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The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, it抯 the same scene from the end of last week抯 show. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment?
Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It抯 all taken care of.
Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Oh yeah, why not?
Rachel: Okay, umm, I抦 gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)
Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didn抰 get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: We抮e still married! Don抰 tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
[Cut to outside Central Perk.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?
Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure!
Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second?
Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we抮e gonna be late for the movie.
(A cab pulls up.)
Phoebe: Oh, there抯 a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.)
Rachel: Yeah, we抮e, we抮e actually just gonna walk 慶ause it抯 right up there at the Angelica.
Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab抯 roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn抰 get the annulment?!!
Ross: I know.
Phoebe: Ross?!
Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer抯 office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don抰 want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.
Phoebe: Don抰 be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y択now? Mine抯 gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.
Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can抰 have another failed marriage!
Phoebe: So okay what? You抮e gonna be married to a girl who doesn抰 even know about it?!桹p, woman! Sorry.
Ross: Well, okay so, I don抰 have it all worked out quite yet. Just don抰 say anything to Rachel, please?
Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay!
(Rachel抯 cab backs up.)
Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!
Phoebe: Hey Rach!
Rachel: What was that?!
Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie?
Rachel: I haven抰 seen it yet!
Phoebe: Well then you抎 better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.)
Rachel: Noooooooo!!
Opening Credits
{Transciber抯 note: In case you抮e wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show厎
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.]
Chandler: Y択now when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn抰 let you have one?
Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he抯 surprisingly strict.
Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you抮e moving out?
Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y択now? I can get out, "Joey, I have too? but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "単o to the bathroom." He may think I抦 sick.
Monica: Y択now, I really have to tell Rachel, but I?We just have to get it over with! Y択now, the next time we see them we抮e just gonna tell them. Okay? That抯 it.
Chandler: Oh, so that抯 this is gonna work now? You抮e just gonna order me around all the time?
Monica: Pretty much.
Chandler: All right.
Joey: (entering) Hey Monica!
Monica: Hi!
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)
Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.
Joey: Oh my God! You抮e pregnant!
Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here抯 the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I抦 gonna be moving out man.
Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh?Hey! I抦 really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.)
Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!
Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you抎 believe that. This sucks!
Chandler: Look, I-I抦 just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I抦 moving right back in with you!
Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you抮e gonna be moving in with him I feel it抯 my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He抯 a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm?Oh-oh he always, he always umm桹h, who am I kidding! He抯 the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?
Phoebe: No, why?
Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!
Phoebe: (gasps) You抮e pregnant!
Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together!
Phoebe: Ooh! That抯 good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe.
(Ross returns from getting some coffee.)
Ross: Hey! Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: What抯 up?
Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together.
Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend卻haking up. Oh, that抯 great. That抯 great. (Kisses and hugs her.)
Phoebe: Guys, I抦 happy too.
Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)
Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled?(Winks at Ross.)
Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn抰 seem so bad? (Exits.)
Ross: Bye.
Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel?Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?!
Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody抯 stairs!
Phoebe: Ross, it抯 not that big a deal! So you抣l been divorced three times, you抣l still have a life, you抣l go on dates?
Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won抰! I抣l be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists.
Phoebe: Ross, you抮e being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!
Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?
Phoebe: Y択now that抯 really fair. Y択now? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I抣l show you! Come here.
Ross: What?! Why?
(She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I抦 going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I抣l have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we抣l cross that bridge when we come to it.)
Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn抰 you date him?
Ross: And if you wait right here, I抣l go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!
Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away?
Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she抯 the only one left!
Chandler: Okay, so that抯 it, everybody knows! It抯 official, we抮e moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You抮e very brave.
(They hug as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y択now, you think you抮e making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel.
Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.
Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!
Chandler: Well, I-I still think you抮e very-very nice and very pretty?
Rachel: What?
Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)
Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here.
Rachel: Oh my God! That抯 so great! I抦 so happy for you guys!
Monica: Really?!
Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together!
Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.)
Rachel: And Chandler, you抮e gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can抰 be late.
Chandler: Rach?
Monica: Yeah, he抯 gonna work on that.
Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God?(Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door?
Monica: (singing) We抣l be waiting for you?
{Transciber抯 note: I抣l finish that one for those of you who don抰 know what they抮e talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three抯 Company too! Yeah, that抯 the theme song for Three抯 Company.}
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross抯 three divorces.]
Ross: 卭nce you know the stories, it抯 not that bad. First marriage, wife抯 hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn抰 allow you to get married when you抮e that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada抯 fault.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn抰 be interested? Who wouldn抰 want to date him?
Stephanie: Well the divorces don抰 bother me, I抎 date him. But, not while he抯 still married.
Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn抰 you want a date?
Karin: Actually, I抦 dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y択now bad for me, so until I work that out?
Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg?
Meg: Well, I don抰 care about the divorces either, but I wouldn抰 date him. It抯 just that he抯 obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.
Ross: What?!
Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "He抯 obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.)
Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here?
Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her.
Ross: We were drunk! I would抳e married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol!
Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!!
Ross: (to the panel) Look, I抦 sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don抰 want to be divorced three times.
Phoebe: Yes, and now he抯 using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg.
Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I抣l go to my lawyer抯 office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth?leans down to Meg抯 ear)桸othing!!
Meg: Okay now I wouldn抰 date you because you seem a little creepy.
Karin: I am so attracted to him right now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler抯 moving in and she抯 moving out.]
Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?
Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn抰 before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn抰 do that to her, she抯 my best friend!
Chandler: Well, Joey抯 my best friend.
Monica: I抦 not your best friend?
Chandler: You just said?Of course you抮e my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?
Monica: All right, all right, at least I抦 prepared.
Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)
Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey!
Chandler: Hey-hey!
Monica: These aren抰 for you! Are you upset?
Chandler: I am now!
Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie!
Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.)
Monica: Rach, there抯 something uh, important I have to tell you.
Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!
Monica: No! But, I抦 throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before.
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together.
Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that抯 funny, I can抰 believe I did that.
Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn抰 clear! I抦 really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There抯 absolutely no rush.
Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.)
Monica: Okay. Don抰 you want a cookie?
Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.
Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue?
(Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.)
Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?!
Monica: I made them!
Rachel: Ooh, good God, they抮e so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.]
Joey: God, it抯 gonna so weird like when I come home and you抮e not here. Y択now? No more Joey and Chan抯. No more J and C抯. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler抯?" "Can抰, its not there."
Chandler: Look, I抦 just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.
Joey: Yeah but we won抰 be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.
Chandler: Not once did we do that.
Monica: (entering) Hi.
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi.
Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how抎 she take it?
Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn抰 cry. She wasn抰 angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)
Chandler: And you抮e upset because you didn抰 make your best friend cry?
Monica: I mean, all I抦 asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don抰 I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!
Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It抯 like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie抯!!
Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!
[Scene: Ross抯 lawyer抯 office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.]
Russell: You got married again.
Ross: Yes.
Russell: So that抯 your second marriage in two years.
Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall.
Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don抰 you tell me what happened.
Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk?
Russell: (interrupting) I抦 sorry, is this the same Rachel who抯 name you said at the altar in the second marriage?
Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.
Russell: Oh, that抯 better then.
Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled.
Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy?
Ross: I think just the annulment for today.
Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out.
Ross: Easy.
Russell: And we抣l need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.
Ross: No problem.
Russell: And we抣l need you and Rachel to testify before a judge.
Ross: Ooh! There抯 no way to do this without her? 慍ause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of.
Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can抰 get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there.
Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff.
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: Y択now, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don抰 know if I want it because it might be y択now, too many memories!
Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that?
Monica: I don抰 know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate.
Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!
Monica: Something to remember me by!
Rachel: Mon, honey you抮e not dying. I抦 just moving out. Y択now, I mean we抮e gonna see each other all the time.
Monica: But still, it抯 a big change. The end of an era, you might say!
Rachel: Are you okay? You抮e not blinking.
Monica: I抦 fine! I just, I抦 thinking how much it抯 an end of era.
Rachel: Oh, all right. But y択now I gotta say, I don抰, I don抰 think six years counts as an era.
Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn抰 significant to you!
Rachel: What is the matter with you?!
Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren抰 you more upset?! Aren抰 you gonna be sad that we抮e not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren抰 you gonna miss me at all?!
Rachel: All right, fine, but don抰 get mad at me. It抯-it抯 just a little hard to believe.
Monica: What抯 hard to believe?
Rachel: Well y択now, it抯 you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y択now? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I抦 not upset because I don抰 see you guys going through with it. I抦 sorry.
Monica: Rachel, it抯 going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.
Rachel: But I?
Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn抰 something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen.
Rachel: It is? Really?
Monica: Yeah, sweetie.
Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean we抮e not, we抮e not gonna live together anymore?
Monica: No.
Rachel: What? Oh my God! I抦 gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.)
Monica: I抦 gonna miss you! (They hug.)
Rachel: I mean it抯 the end of an era!
Monica: I know!
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler抯.]
Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye!
Ross: Oh no.
Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment?
Ross: I couldn抰.
Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel.
Ross: It抯 not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I?
Phoebe: Yeah, complicated 慶ause of the love.
Ross: I?I do, I do not love Rachel. I抦 gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?
Phoebe: I抳e never been more convinced of your love for her.
Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel抯 as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.]
Ross: Ohh, what抯 wrong?!
Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing.
Ross: Oh my桟ome here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It抯 okay. Everything抯 gonna be okay.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Of course.
(Ross suddenly realizes something.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.]
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really?! Well, when?
Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won抰 work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then, I抦 gonna marry Chandler for the money and you抣l marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that抯 when we get married. We抣l have Chandler抯 money and Rachel抯 kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel抯 drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe: I don抰 want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.
End
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