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The One The Last Night
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Written by: Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Directed by: David Schwimmer (Yeah, that David Schwimmer.)
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[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a mini hockey stick on his hand as Chandler enters from his room carrying a bunch of bills.]
Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he抯 scratching his back with it.) Listen, I抦 gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey: Right! And when is that due?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And that抯 every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Joey: Ahhh.
Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)
Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!!
Chandler: That抯 our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don抰 I just梬hy don抰 I just cover you for a while?
Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity卆nymore.
Chandler: It抯 not charity, Joe?
Joey: No! Forget it! Okay桰 mean thanks, but I抦 done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what抯 next? Come on.
Chandler: Okay uh, here抯 the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!
Chandler: Uh, yeah.
(Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.)
Chandler: So, we抣l do the rest of the bills later then?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some money.]
Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment?
Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn抰 take it.
Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs?
Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y択now? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won抰 hurt his pride.
Phoebe: Why don抰 you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want.
Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.
Monica: (entering from her room) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?
Monica: (thinks) Okay.
Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?
Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we抎 go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe.
Phoebe: And also, my birthday.
Monica: It抯 not your birthday.
Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it抯 not your birthday!
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night?
Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we抎 do nothing.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it.
Joey: I don抰 know Ross, not if you抮e gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist.
Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was wondering?
Monica: You抮e not dressed yet?! We抮e supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes!
Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.
Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you抮e packed.
Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight.
Phoebe: My God, I can抰 get a minute of peace around this place.
[Cut to Rachel抯 bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And it抯 obvious that she抯 not packed.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica抯 just gonna kill you.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Phoebe: Well, what you抮e wearing is fine for that.
Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow梇ou抮e not packed!!!! You抮e not packed even a little bit!
Rachel: Surprise!!
Monica: What?
Rachel: No, no don抰 get mad because look梩his is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!
Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam peanuts) I抣l be coordinator! Oh my God! I抦 so sorry, I didn抰 get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can抰 you Phoebe?
Phoebe: I have plans.
Monica: You抮e plans were with us.
Phoebe: That抯 right.
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank you!!
[Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes Rachel抯 door behind her.]
Phoebe: Hurry! Monica抯 gonna make you pack! She抯 got jobs for everyone! Now, it抯 too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the door.)
Monica: (entering and interrupting the guy抯 escape attempt) Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we抮e gonna start with?
Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.
Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing.
Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.
Monica: Okay fine, now Ross?
Ross: Oh, but-but I can抰 do it.
Monica: Why not?
Joey: (quietly) I抳e got Ben.
Ross: Because, because I抳e got Ben.
Monica: It抯 almost 8 o抍lock, it抯 almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he?
Chandler: He抯 at a dinner party.
Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!
Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I抎 just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?
Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel抯 room.)
Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.]
Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: Oh, I wish I抎 know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh that抯 okay. Hey, actually in a way it抯 kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!
(Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.)
Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?
Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven抰 beaten me once since my injury plagued ?7 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money.
Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?
Joey: Okay, you抮e on.
Chandler: Okay, let抯 play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.
(They start playing.)
[Scene: Rachel抯 bedroom, she抯 in her closet bringing down her pair of roller blades from a top shelf.]
Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it抯 the roller blades.
Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God!
Rachel: You remember when we got these?
Monica: No.
Rachel: I guess you weren抰 there. (They hug.)
Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time?(She starts laughing hysterically.) You don抰 remember?
Rachel: I抦 sorry Pheebs, I guess I抦 just really said that I抦 leaving.
Monica: I抦 gonna miss you so much.
Phoebe: Well, this doesn抰 have to be so sad though. Y択now? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you抮e gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you抮e not gonna miss.
Monica: I don抰 think there抯 anything.
Phoebe: Come on, there抯 gotta be something.
Monica: Nope, she抯 perfect.
Rachel: I have one.
Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first.
Rachel: Uh well, I guess I抦 not gonna miss the fact that you抮e never allowed to move the phone pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a little bit.)
Phoebe: Good that抯 a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y択now? Does Rachel move the phone pen?
Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.
Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn抰 anyone feel better?
Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.
Rachel: You get your messages!
Monica: Yeah, well I don抰 think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.
Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one抯 sad.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]
Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That抯 like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, there抯 nothing in the fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.
Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000.
Joey: You serious?
Chandler: Oh yes!
Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me!
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready?
[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]
Chandler: No! No! No! No?Joey looks at him)梠ne can beat me.
(In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)
Chandler: See? Now, that抯 why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe move a box into the living room.]
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me!
Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!
Monica: (on phone) What抯 up?
Ross: Oh, I抦 just over here with Ben. I thought we抎 say hi.
Monica: Oh, put him on!
Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the phone to the fake Ben he has created out of a pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesn抰 feel like talking right now. He抯 smiling though! Okay, talk to you later.
[Scene: Rachel抯 bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades?
Rachel: You know what else I抦 not gonna miss? "I抦 Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"
Monica: "Hi I抦 Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I抎 better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel: "I抦 Monica, I don抰 get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"
Phoebe: Hey! I call her!
Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"
Rachel: "Oh my God, I can抰 find a boyfriend! So I guess I抣l just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
(Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.)
Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. (Phoebe dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining the broken foosball table as Chandler enters from his room.]
Chandler: Still broken?
Joey: This sucks man! The last night you抮e here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.
Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)
Joey: Nah, not my game.
Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about梱択now what? We could play a new game. A new game, it抯 fun.
Joey: Well, what抯 it called?
Chandler: Cups.
Joey: I don抰 know how to play Cups.
Chandler: I抣l teach ya! Come on, come on, it抯 really easy and really, really fun.
Joey: All right.
Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?
Joey: A two and a five.
Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!
Joey: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let抯 play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?
Joey: A four and a nine.
Chandler: You抮e kidding right?
Joey: No. Why?
Chandler: Well that抯 a full cup! (Pays him again.)
Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.]
Monica: I抦 not talking to her!
Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she抯 the one who抯 leaving. It抯 harder for her!
Monica: Well, maybe you抮e right桽he made fun of my phone pen!
Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too.
(Monica goes into Rachel抯 room.)
Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about梂hat are you doing? (She sees that Rachel is unpacking.)
Rachel: I抦 unpacking!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: I抦 not moving! (She re-hangs a picture, crookedly.) Is that picture straight?
Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!
Rachel: Hey, y択now what? You抮e the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?!
Monica: Because it抯 my apartment!
Rachel: Well it抯 mine too! What else you got?!
Monica: How about, you抮e moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and Monica chants "Yes.")
Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! (She knocks over Monica, grabs a box, and runs into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing?
Rachel: Great! Monica抯 moving!
Monica: (entering) I am not!
Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing Rachel around the table.)
Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what抯 going on here. Okay, you guys?STOP!! (They stop.) I know that, I know that you抮e acting mad because you think that it抣l make it easier to leave. But deep down you抮e still really sad. Deep-deep down.
Monica: No Phoebe I am mad!
Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down!
Rachel: Yeah, I抦 just mad!
Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the chase.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they抮e still playing Cups.]
Chandler: You win.
Joey: Well, what did you have?
Chandler: It doesn抰 matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?
Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700.
Chandler: Not 700 exactly?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Double it! (He does.)
Joey: What?
Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Hey, I didn抰 make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don抰 get to excited because that抯 not gonna happen unless you get桸o way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would抳e won. Chandler pays him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a box out of Rachel抯 room.]
Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I抦 just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don抰 mean to make things worse, but umm, I don抰 want to live with Rachel anymore.
Monica and Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: You抮e just so mean to each other! And I don抰 want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
Rachel: Well, Phoebe that抯 fine because I抦 not moving.
Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y択now I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y択now Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate.
Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica?
Monica: Y択now she has 147,000 pairs of boots?
Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon.
Monica: She lets you borrow them.
Rachel: Yeah and you stretch 慹m out with your big old clown feet.
Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it抯 gettin?cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she抣l fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I抎 like.
Phoebe: What else?
Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
Phoebe: That抯 nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.
Rachel: Well y択now, I don抰 want you to be cold.
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)
Rachel: Oh, it抯 gonna be fine.
Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can抰 wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We抣l have so much fun!!
Rachel: But honey, I think she抯 moving in with Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh that抯 right. You抮e still set on that?
Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out the window. She moves closer to it to get a better look.) Oh my God!
[Cut to Ross抯 apartment, he抯 watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, how抯 the packing going? (Listens) Ben? He抯 fine. Yeah, he抯 right桹h my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, it抯 a pumpkin. I抣l come pack.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, that抯 the last time I抦 ever gonna type that line. It抯 just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What抯 wrong?
Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups!
Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin?Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn抰 even get half a cup! Nothin?!
Chandler: Oh man!!
Joey: And he never played before either! Y択now what I think? I think beginner抯 luck, very important in Cups.
Chandler: All right, let抯 play one more hand! One more!
Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I抦 serious this time! In-in fact, look, there抯 a桰 wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y択now, thank you for being such a great roommate.
Chandler: I can抰 take the big white dog! You love it!
Joey: It抯 him, not it!
Chandler: No, but wait梬hat if I bought it from you, y択now? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?
Joey: Wait a second, I see what you抮e trying to do here! You-you抮e trying to give me money again!
Chandler: When did I try to give you money?
Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!
Chandler: I抦 just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you抮e okay.
Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can抰 take care of myself. Okay? Look, I抦 not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I抦 gonna miss卛s you. And now the dog.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And that抯 the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joey抯 or Monica and Rachel抯, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachel抯. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I抦 really gonna miss you.
(They hug.)
Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go. (Hands it to Monica.)
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Yeah.
(Silence ensues.)
Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, I抦 gonna see you in a couple of hours! (They hug again.)
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Bye house!
(They break the embrace.)
Rachel: Bye Mon.
Monica: Bye.
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel抯 old and now empty room.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Monica: She really left.
Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)
Monica: Can I ask you a question?
Chandler: Sure!
Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)
(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It 憈is a sad and happy time for Friends.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross抯 apartment, Chandler is trying to get Joey抯 money back from Ross.]
Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.
Ross: And now you want that money back.
Chandler: Exactly.
Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.)
Chandler: It抯 not a real game! I made it up!
Ross: I抦 sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square.
Chandler: At a fake game!!
Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I抎 be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups.
Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Hmm, let抯 see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)
End
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