|
The One With The Proposal
Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!
Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You抳e bought like a billion of 慹m.
Ross: Yeah, you didn抰 get one.
Chandler: Okay, well tonight抯 the big night.
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?
Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I抦 going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I抦 just gonna propose.
Rachel: Ohh?
Joey: That sounds perfect!
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: You抮e gonna mess it up let me do it.
Chandler: I抦 not gonna mess it up.
Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?
Chandler: She抯 not gonna say no.
Phoebe: If!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
(Monica抯 entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.
(Monica goes into her room.)
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!
Phoebe: It抯 gone.
Chandler: Phoebe!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.
(She goes into the bathroom.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) We抮e practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey Rach!
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can抰 go. We抮e going to dinner remember?!
Rachel: Oh my God, I抦 so sorry.
Monica: What抯 the big deal?
Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn抰 remember where we抮e going.
Joey: Where are you going?
(Chandler stares at him.)
Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)
Phoebe: Open bar?
Rachel: I think so.
Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.
Joey: Hey, y択now what? I抣l come too. I抦 making money now; it抯 about time I give something back.
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?
Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.
Chandler: Oh, so you抮e already doing your part for the kids.
Ross: I抦 sorry, it抯 just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp梩o be a counselor!
Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn抰 agree to that!
Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?
Ross: I don抰 know.
Phoebe: Y択now, you are 12 years older than her.
Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I抦 sorry.
Ross: Uh-uh梂ow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn抰 really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I抦 the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
Joey: That抯 not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)
Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What抯 going on little elves?
Joey: It抯 the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!
Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she抯 gonna know.
Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
(Monica enters from the bedroom.)
Monica: Hi guys.
Chandler: (To Monica) You look beautiful.
Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What抯 going on?
Rachel: (breaking up) We抮e just really卾ery excited about this charity event that we have to go to.
[Scene: The Charity Event, they抮e holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]
Phoebe: Here.
Rachel: Oh! Thank you!
Phoebe: So now what抯 going on here?
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what抯 going on with your hair?
Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?
Phoebe: No! It抯 nice!
(Rachel抯 boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.
Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He抯 the head of my department.
Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)
Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey?
Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.)
Rachel: Well, y択now I-I don抰 know where he is.
Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you抮e gonna bid on some things Rachel.
Rachel: Well, y択now what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.
Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mr. Thompson: Good luck.
Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he抯 left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.
[Scene: Elizabeth抯 Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]
{Transcriber抯 Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I抦 just gonna guess since it doesn抰 matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}
Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)
Ross: What抯-what抯 going on?
Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.
Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That抯 what I did to the kids in my building!
Elizabeth: No, it抯 a water balloon fight! We started it!
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it抯 supposed to be excellent. The director is the same?
Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)
Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)
Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?
Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.
Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It抯-it抯 gotten great reviews! Y択now the uh?
(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)
First Dorm Guy: Attack!
(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)
Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!
The Girls: You put your balloons down!!
First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!
(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)
[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]
Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.
Rachel: Ugh! So close!
(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: I got me some drinks!
Rachel: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Open bar!
Rachel: Well now it抯 an empty bar.
Phoebe: You just can抰 stand anyone else enjoying themselves can抰 you?
Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman抯 day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
Joey: I won! That was my guess!
Rachel: What?! What?! What?!
Joey: I guessed 20,000!
Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don抰 guess, you buy!
Joey: What?! I don抰 have 20,000!
Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!
(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)
Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he抯 looking for and sighs in relief.]
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It抯 a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yes! Yes! I抦 good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything梐re you梐re you perrr-perfect?!
Monica: Yeah. I抦 okay. I抦 actually桰抦 a little cold, can I have your jacket?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can抰 have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should抳e brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you抮e okay?
Chandler: Yes! I抦 fine. In fact I抳e been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Monica: Ohh that抯 sweet!
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn抰 imagine growing old with?
(As he抯 talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let抯 see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard抯 back.)
Chandler: What?! I抦 Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that抯 Richard!
Monica: Oh God, maybe he won抰 see us. Richard!
(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can抰 believe she just did that.)
Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don抰 know why I did that!
Monica: Hey, it抯 good to see you!
Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.
Monica: Yeah桹h that抯 right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.
Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.
Chandler: (to Richard抯 date) And uh, you don抰 have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I抦 Chandler; I make jokes when I抦 uncomfortable.
Richard抯 Date: Hi, I抦 Lisa.
Chandler: Hi.
Richard: Oh, I抦 sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.
Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.
Monica: Chandler, wh-why don抰 we sit down?
Chandler: Yeah, I抣l sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
Monica: (to Richard) It抯 good to see you
Matire'd: (to Richard) You抮e table抯 ready sir.
Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he抯 gone.)
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler抯) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]
Rachel: What were you thinking?!
Joey: I didn抰 know it was an auction!
Rachel: Wh?!
Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!
Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!
Joey: I don抰 know! Charity?
Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She抯 still working her way through her tray of booze.)
Rachel: Phoebe, don抰 you think you抳e had enough to drink?
Phoebe: I抦 just helping the kids!
Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?
Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: Oh hi!
Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.
Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?
Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000
Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can抰 buy the boat, I don抰 have any money.
(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)
Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)
Mr. Thompson: That抯 good. Very good! (Walks away.)
(After he抯 left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)
Joey: So uh listen, I think I抦 gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You卌an抰卨eave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!
Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don抰 have that kind of money!
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we抮e gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you抮e just gonna pay the difference.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Look, I don抰 know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y択now? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
Rachel: Not great.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler抯 and Richard and Lisa抯 tables have been pushed together and they抮e all eating and talking.]
Monica: And so, we抮e hiding in the bathroom.
Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.
Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they抮e going at it right on the bathroom floor.
Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!
{Transcriber抯 Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out .}
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
(An awkward silence ensues.)
Richard: It抯 so great seeing you guys again. I抎 like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it抯 morning and is refreshed."
Monica: Ohh.
Chandler: What?!
(They all drink.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]
Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He抯 excited about what he thought happened.)
Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Ross: Who?
Chandler: Richard!
Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that抯 right that抯 right. That抯 Richard抯 favorite place too.
Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.
Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can抰 get out of!
Ross: Y択now, maybe she is too young for me. Y択now, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don抰 know what to do.
Monica: Why don抰 you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that抯 what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I抦-I抦 12 years older than she is.
Monica: If the school finds out you抮e fired.
Ross: Hmm.
Monica: She抯 leaving for three months.
Chandler: For camp!
Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she抯-she抯 sweet and pretty and?
Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn抰 you?!
Ross: No! No! I卍idn抰 do that. It抯 just?Okay, honestly no. I don抰, I don抰 see a big future with her.
Monica: Okay well I think卼hat抯 your answer.
Ross: I抳e got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you抮e not careful you may not get married at all this year!
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]
Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.
Rachel: Oh great!
Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?
Phoebe: It抯 a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she抯 wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
Emil Alexander: That was me.
Phoebe: Oh, enchant閑. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]
Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
Mr. Bowmont: That抯 me.
Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Joey: You-you have to pay that! It抯 not just a guess.
Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)
Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn抰 win the boat. My wife would抳e killed me.
Rachel: Ohh?
Joey: Are you kidding me?! She抯 gonna this boat!
Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife抯 name?
Mr. Bowmont: It抯 Pam.
Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam."
Joey: Aw-awww!
Mr. Bowmont: I don抰 think she抎 like that.
Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont."
Joey: Oooooh?
Mr. Bowmont: I don抰 think so dear.
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin?sail up the Hudson! You抳e got the wind in your h?sees that he抯 bald)梐rms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you抳e always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin? You can梠oh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you抮e old, Cappy.
Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it抯 for a good cause! All right!
Joey: No way! It抯 mine!!
Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!
Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!
Rachel: But Joey you don抰 have $20,000!
Joey: Who cares?! I-I抣l make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
Joey: Oh my God, you抮e back!
Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)
Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?
Phoebe: I wanna see what抯 in your hand. I wanna see the trash.
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it抯 all dirty. You should throw this out.
Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe抯 wishes.)
Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
Phoebe: What happened?
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn抰 do it!
Joey: What?! Noooo?(Phoebe gasps.)
Chandler: I抦 gonna do it tomorrow y択now, and-and surprise her, but now you抳e ruined it!
Joey: We didn抰 ruin it!
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person抯 hands?!
Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor?
Joey: Glove salesman!
Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn抰 know for sure, so just throw her off the track.
Chandler: That抯 right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you抮e scared of commitment! Convince her that you抮e a little coward!
Chandler: I can do that, I抳e had 30 years of practice.
Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)
Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!
Joey: That guy抯 still doing that?!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you抮e here, let me see your hand!!
Phoebe: No, you抮e too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!
[Scene: Outside of Elizabeth抯 dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]
Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn抰 seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?
Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!
Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about?
Elizabeth: You suck!!
Ross: What?!
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)
Ross: Okay, break-up抯 still on!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn抰 want to get married?
Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.
Monica: (entering) Hi guys!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: What are you up too?
Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin?about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.
Monica: Well that抯 a little crazy. Although I am y択now glad to hear that you抮e branching out on what you look at on the Internet.
Chandler: Yeah, well?Y択now, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?
Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!
Chandler: Eh?
Monica: Okay well that抯 good to know.
(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)
Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont抯 here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)
[Scene: Monica抯 Restaurant抯 kitchen, she抯 cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]
Waitress: Hey Monica, there抯 a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?
Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)
Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in.
(The customer turns out to be?
Richard: Hi!
Monica: Richard!
Richard: Actually, I抦 not here to complement the chef.
Monica: Ohh?Oh, that抯 okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what抯 up?
Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night.
Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?
Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica抯 Restaurant, continued from earlier.]
Monica: What uh梂hat did you梂hat?!
Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn抰 even be here telling you this, I mean you抮e with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he抯 straight I抣l believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn抰 tell ya I抎 regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Monica: Y択now you抮e really not supposed to be back here!
Richard: Well yeah, I抦 sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Monica: Oh God?(Starts looking around.) Why don抰 they put chairs back here?!
Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?
Monica: What the?Yes you抮e too late! Where was all this three years ago?!
Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y択now after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!
Monica: What were you doing in Africa?
Richard: Working with blind kids.
Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I?I抦 sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.
Richard: Okay that抯 fine, I抣l walk away. And I抣l never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler抯 willing to give you everything I am.
Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I抦 the one that抯 making him wait!
Richard: You are?
Monica: Yeah!
Richard: Why?
Monica: Why? Because of the government.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.]
Rachel: Isn抰 it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin?married.
Phoebe: I know, they抮e gonna be so happy together.
Rachel: Ohh?I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?
Phoebe: Not that often!
Rachel: No! I抦 so happy for them!
Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!
Rachel: I抦 so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
(They both take a drink of coffee.)
Rachel: I mean I抦 probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what抯 2%? That抯 nothing.
Phoebe: Totally. I抦 like 90/10.
Rachel: Yeah me too.
(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)
Joey: Hey uh, have you guys seen Chandler?
Rachel: (staring at him) Wh梟o, but y択now who did stop in here looking for ya, Teneal?
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don抰 really believe that do you?
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let抯 take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don抰 mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that抯 just an ordinary pig not even a pig that抯 good at sports!
Monica: Yeah, but that抯 pigs not people!
Chandler: If marriage worked, I抎 be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?
Chandler: Well, never say never but y択now probably uh yeah, never.
Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!
Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don抰 you put down your copy of 慣he Rules?huh mantrap?!
Monica: Y択now what?! I gotta go! Ugh!
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
Chandler: (to them) It抯 okay, I got a plan.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]
Rachel: We抮e gonna find love!
Phoebe: Definitely!
Rachel: Yeah, I抦 pretty confident about that. That抯 what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well y択now, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they抮e 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup?
Rachel: Exactly!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.
Rachel: You do?
Phoebe: Hm-mmm.
Rachel: Who?
Phoebe: Joey.
Rachel: Joey?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!
Rachel: Wh?So?If neither of you are married by the time you抮e 40, you抮e gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel: Oh, seriously?
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were?(She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
Rachel: Charming.
Phoebe: Well hey, it抯 just a backup.
Rachel: Yeah.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]
Joey: Hey Monica!
Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
Monica: Yeah, it抯 great.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, what抯 the matter?! Talk to the captain!
Monica: I抦 just having one of those days where you realize you抮e in a dead-end relationship!
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Monica: It抯 not like I want to get married tomorrow! It抯 just that I-I抎 like to believe that I抦 in a relationship that抯 actually going somewhere, that I抦 not just wasting my time!
Joey: Well, you know Chandler.
Monica: No I don抰 know Chandler! Not anymore! It抯 like it抯 like something抯 changed.
Joey: Maybe you changed?
Monica: I didn抰 change!
Joey: Maybe that抯 the problem.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?
Joey: I don抰 know! (All excited) I haven抰 totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.
Monica: What does he think? Does he think I抦 just gonna wait around for nothing?
Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
Monica: (starts for the door) Well there抯 some people who do want to marry me.
Joey: There are?
Monica: Yeah! Richard!
Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler抯 tellin?ya how much he hates marriage?!
Monica: That抯 right.
Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!
Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he抯 a-a complex fellow who抯 unlikely to take a wife! That-that he抯 against marriage and always will be!
Joey: You got that from what I said?!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]
Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.
Ross: What happened you guys?
(There抯 a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)
Ross: Rach!
Rachel: Hey you!
Ross: Hey, come on in.
Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y択now, I抦 so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we抎 be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn抰 meant to be.
Rachel: Yeah, love. It抯 a tricky business isn抰 it?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we抮e 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we抳e-we抳e already slept together so y択now there抣l be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "What抯 that?!"
Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.
Rachel: Exactly.
Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.
Rachel: What? Who?
Ross: Phoebe.
Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a梑ut-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.
Ross: Ohh, I don抰 think so.
Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross: That抯 impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
Joey: Where the hell have you been?!
Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I抳e been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn抰 keep flying off!
Chandler: My桹h my God!
Joey: I know! They suck!!
Chandler: He抯 not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I抦 supposed to do that!
Joey: I know!
Chandler: Well what?Y択now what I抦 gonna do? I抦 gonna go over there; I抦 gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
Joey: Look, Chandler I don抰 think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
Chandler: You抮e right.
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I抦 gonna get the ring! I抦 gonna get the ring! (Does so) I抦 gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I抦 just going to propose!
Joey: Okay.
Chandler: Okay great.
Joey: Dude-dude-dude!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Richard抯 Apartment, he抯 smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal匽
Monica: Hi.
Richard: Hi.
Monica: I don抰 know why I抦 here.
Richard: I didn抰 ask. You wanna come in?
Monica: I don抰 know.
Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I抣l just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)
Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink?
Monica: Yeah, I抣l have a scotch?
Richard: 卭n the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?
Richard: Uh, no! No! That抯卆rt! If it bothers you I can put my art out.
Monica: No that抯, that抯 okay.
Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y択now, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard: Oh really?
Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don抰 like my new eye doctor.
Richard: Who is it?
Monica: Edward Nevski?
Richard: Yeah he抯 no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?
Monica: No.
Richard: Ahh.
Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I抳e ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.
(Richard mouths, "Wow!")
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
Phoebe: Of course I can! It抯 just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I抳e already lost Chandler!
Rachel: What?!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Phoebe! We抮e both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!
Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!
Phoebe: I don抰桳ook I don抰 know what you抮e complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!
(At the same time.)
Joey: No we weren抰!
Ross: I was not!
Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we抮e married!
Rachel: Phoebe you can抰 have both of them! You have to pick one!
Joey: Pick me!!
Ross: No! Pick me! I don抰 want to end up an old maid!
Phoebe: All right well let抯 see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat桾his is hard!
Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
(Rachel gets all happy.)
Phoebe: No wait! Just桹kay桱ust wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don抰 make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.
Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) I抦 talking about massages.
Rachel: Oh.
(She turns her head away and when she抯 not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, "No, I抦 not." Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)
Rachel: Okay, y択now what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we抮e gonna do! I抦 gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and I抦 gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
Joey: Okay that抯 fair.
Ross: All right.
Phoebe: Good!
(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)
Rachel: Pick one.
Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
Rachel: You抮e welcome.
Phoebe: (reading) Ross!
Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.
Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Richard抯 Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]
Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!
Richard: Excuse me?
Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.
Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!
Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up抯 apartment! Y択now, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Richard: Yeah! You抮e saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
Monica: Y択now, let抯 face it, I抦 not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don抰 want that!
Richard: I think that抯 fair.
Monica: Fair? Please don抰 even talk to me about fair! Fair would抳e been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would抳e been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Richard: It抯 okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.
Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don抰 kn桿mm. I don抰 know. Umm?
Richard: I know. (Backs away.)
Monica: Y択now, I-I?I have to figure卻ome st梇択now, some stuff before I can?
Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I抣l be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)
[Scene: Richard抯 Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
Richard: Chandler.
Chandler: Where is she? I抦 not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Richard: She抯 not here and please come in.
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left.
Chandler: Well where did she go?
Richard: Well she said she had to think things over.
Chandler: Oh my God, I can抰 believe this! Y択now, I thought匢 thought you were a good guy.
Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.
Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn抰 tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Richard: Well all right, one thing happened?
Chandler: Y択now what? I can抰 believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
Richard: Well I抦 sorry.
Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Richard: Well, apparently I抦 willing to offer her things that you are not.
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y択now? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she抎 be surprised!
Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn抰 fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)
Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
Richard: No I don抰 have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don抰 let her go. Trust me.
Chandler: Y択now Richard厃ou are a good guy.
Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!
(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]
Joey: Dude!
Chandler: I can抰 talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Joey: She抯 gone.
Chandler: What?
Joey: She抯 gone. She had a bag and she left.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.
Chandler: Well why didn抰 you stop her?! Why didn抰 you just tell her it was a plan?!
Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn抰 believe me.
Chandler: Well where?Where did she go?
Joey: To her parent抯 I think and she said you shouldn抰 call her. But if I were you I would.
Chandler: I can抰 believe I ruined this.
Joey: I am so sorry man.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
Chandler: Oh my God.
(Monica gets down on one knee.)
Monica: Chandler?In all my life?I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to協all in love with my best卪y best?There抯 a reason why girls don抰 do this!
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought?(Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you抣l let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: Yes.
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!
(They hug again.)
Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We抮e dying out here!
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We抮e engaged!!!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I抳e ever been!
Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn抰 here!
Monica: Oh?
Rachel: Oh hell, he抯 done this three times! He knows what its about!
Joey: Yeah!
(They all hug again.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, it抯 just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]
End
|