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The One With Monica抯 Thunder
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Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Story by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, what抯 going on?
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica抯 quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah I抣l take that.
Ross: What抯 up?
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
Chandler: Thanks.
Ross: Where is she?
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) I抦 engaged!!!!!! I抦 engaged!!!!
[Cut back inside.]
Joey: Yeah, she抯 been out there for twenty minutes, I抦 surprised you didn抰 hear her on the way over.
Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I抦 gay! I抦 gay!" Can I bring her in?
Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. It抯 sweet.
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: I抦 getting married!!!! I抦 gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because I抦 engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don抰 you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fianc閑 will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
[Cut back inside.]
Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I抣l be in the closet.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that匢 love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldn抰 be my梠ur-our night, if you all weren抰 here to celebrate with me梪s桪amnit!
Chandler: It抯 okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
Monica: Awww, come on梬ait梥top it. Okay, to Monica.
Chandler: To Monica!
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y択now, I抦 kinda musical.
Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she抯 even had time to?
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, you抮e on your own.
Monica: Y択now what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.
(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
Joey: But I-I-I can抰 stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I抦 supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
Joey: You guys don抰 think I look 19?
(A brief silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
Monica: Okay everybody, let抯 go! Let抯 go!
Rachel: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
Joey: I was afraid of that.
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler抯 bedroom, they抮e getting ready.]
Monica: (looking at her hand) Y択now what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) You抮e not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Chandler: Know what I mean?
Monica: Yeah, but I don抰 think we have time.
Chandler: There抯 gonna be a wedding. You抮e gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica: (lustily) Let抯 do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don抰 worry about it!
Chandler: (motioning with his hands) I抦 not worried, I抦 uh, I抦 fascinated. Y択now it抯 like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)
Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing)
"First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.
But here I am singing on his wedding day!"
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: If you would抳e let me finish, it goes on to say that he抯 probably not gay.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]
Chandler: Sure, you guys don抰 have this problem, you抮e made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: You look great!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.
Chandler: You okay over there?
Rachel: I don抰 know, y択now? I feel a little umm?No, y択now what? Never mind, I抦 gonna be fine.
Chandler: Oh, don抰 worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Wow! Happy Monica抯 night!
Rachel: Well thank you, you too.
Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married?
Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so?
Rachel: Oh?
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I?I mean, do-do you think we抮e ever gonna have that?
Ross: You mean, we梱ou and me?
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
Rachel: Shake it off.
Ross: I mean梟o, it抯 just 慶ause, it抯 just 抍ause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
Rachel: No, absolutely. Y択now like it was umm?
Ross: Surely you can think of something good.
Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Ross: My hands?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Y択now, you-you were really good at the stuff too.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, y択now what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had a bonus night!
Ross: A what?
Rachel: Y択now, bonus night. Y択now, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.
Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
Ross: No.
[Silence.]
Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I抦-I抦 sure it would be amazing but I単otta say I really-really don抰 think it would be a good idea. Y択now? I really, really卍on抰.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (he抯 in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. He抯 got the wool cap, he抯 got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and he抯 got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like they抮e from the inner-city.]
Joey: 慡up? 慡up dude?
Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don抰 hurt me.
Joey: So you抮e playing a little Playstation, huh? That抯 whack! Playstation is whack! 慡up with the whack Playstation, 憇up?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.
Joey: Come on man, really how old?!
Chandler: Young! You抮e a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody抯 ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)
Chandler: Joe?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Uh, you抳e had a lot of sex right?
Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
Chandler: Well, it抯 just the reason that I抦 asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to桰 mean I really wanted to, but I couldn抰? There huh梙mm, there-there was an incident.
Joey: Don抰 worry about that man, that happens.
Chandler: It抯 happened to you?
Joey: Yeah! Once.
Chandler: Well, what抎 you do?
Joey: I did it anyway.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.]
Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Let抯 go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why aren抰 you dressed yet?!
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)
Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, I抣l tell you what, if you get ready now I抣l let you play it at the wedding.
Phoebe: Really?! Oh that抯 so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I抣l have to pound on you for a little bit.
Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!
Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)
Monica: I抣l get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating my?She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) I抦 sorry, uh apparently I抳e opened the door to the past.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw?
Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
Rachel: What?
Monica: See, I抳e been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I抦 only planning on doing this once. So, uh y択now, maybe this is selfish and I抦 sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about?
Ross: It is! It is!
Monica: No it抯 not! No! No! Now it抯 about you and Ross getting back together!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together!
Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: That抯 true.
Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)
Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
Monica: Thunder being stolen!!
Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, it抯 nothing! Monica, come on!
Ross: Look let抯 not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn抰 even matter!
(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Chandler: (angrily) I don抰 think that抯 what they were talking about Joe!!
Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler can抰 do it, these guys kissed?(Points to Ross and Rachel.)
Joey: What?
Chandler: What?!
Joey: You guys kissed! Oh my梩his is huge!
Rachel: No!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: No-no, it抯 really not huge.
Ross: And; people thinking it抯 huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
Monica: Well, we抮e still talking about it, aren抰 we?
Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandler抯 problem.
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Monica: Yes that would be lovely.
Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes!
Joey: Seriously?
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!
Joey: (gasps) I抦 30!
Rachel: Joey, you are not! You抮e 31.
Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!
Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we抣l get us some Mai Thai抯, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.
Monica: Y択now what? I-I think that umm, I don抰 feel like going to The Plaza.
Phoebe: Why?!
Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look?
Monica: No-no, I-I really don抰 want to talk about it! I don抰! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
Joey: Psss, that is whack!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
Phoebe: (she抯 strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think I抣l play it at the wedding.
Joey: Yeah! Well, I think we抣l see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don抰."
Phoebe: Well, I don抰 think Monica is gonna take this away.
Joey: Wouldn抰 she?
Phoebe: Would she?
Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy bar!
[Scene: Rachel抯 bedroom, she抯 pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]
Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda left some stuff up in the air?
Rachel: What do you think Monica meant when she said she didn抰 want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Ross: Still thinking about it huh?
Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!
Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.
Rachel: Y択now what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler抯 bedroom, they are both getting undressed.]
Monica: I can抰 believe her, y択now it抯 just梚t抯 so typical.
Chandler: Now Monica, I know you抮e upset, but don抰 forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there抯 going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
Monica: Paris?
Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it抯 romantic, but because I can!
Monica: I love you!
(They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)
Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler: Okay, don抰 say anything, you might scare it away.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Chandler: It抯 Paris, who knows we抮e here!
Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, what抯 up? (She enters.)
Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I抦 just gonna need a small deposit.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: Y択now, just some good faith money to hold the date.
Chandler: Pheebs, we抮e not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
Joey: They break your heart, don抰 they?
Phoebe: Y択now, I don抰 really need their permission.
Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you?You gotta do something about your eyes.
Joey: What?! What抯 wrong with my eyes.
Phoebe: They give you away! There抯 just-there抯 just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
Joey: And that抣l get rid of my wisdom?
Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler抯 room, they are making out again as there抯 another knock on the door.]
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don抰 care!
(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
Monica: Yes.
Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn抰 want to talk to anyone, especially me?
Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
Monica: Well, let抯 just say it抯 not the first time you抳e stolen my thunder.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, here抯 a thought.
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?
Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.
Monica: It抯 all everybody at the party could talk about!
Rachel: Monica, y択now what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica: (gasps) We had a caricaturist!
Rachel: Oh!!
Phoebe: (singing, angrily)
"Whenever I get married, guess who won抰 get to sing?
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!"
(Exits.)
Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I don抰 want to steal your stupid thunder!
Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)
Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain抰 gonna happen!
Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
Ross: Uh, Rachel, I抳e been thinking. I don抰 think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I抦 calling it off.
Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.
Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?
Monica: I don抰 know! I don抰梞aybe you抮e feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you抎 get married first! Maybe you can抰 stand the fact that your formerly fat friend is getting married before you!
Rachel: Oh wow. That梱択now what? That is so unfair. Y択now what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let抯 go have sex!
(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)
Monica: (yelling after them) I can抰 believe you抮e gonna have sex on my engagement night!!
Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)
[Cut to Rachel抯 bedroom.]
Ross: Look uh, if we抮e gonna do this?
Rachel: We抮e not gonna do this, all right? She抯 just gonna think that we抮e doin?it.
Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
(There抯 a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Monica: (outside the door) It抯 Monica, open up!
Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
Ross: Oww!
Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?
Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I抦 going to announce that I抦 pregnant!
Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?!
Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you don抰 know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!
Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am so卻o happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I抦 not. I抦 not even close. And I don抰 know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that抯 dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
(Ross looks at Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Ross) I don抰 care, she slept with me.
Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, I抦 so sorry I ruined your night.
Monica: (starting to cry) I抦 sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)
Ross: (deadpan) Well, I抦 going to take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man.
Chandler: Thanks.
Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who抯 going to enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandler抯 door.]
Phoebe: (singing)
"We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed.
That抯 right, I抦 here all night, and Chandler will never get l?
Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here抯 a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
Phoebe: Oh thank you.
Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.)
Phoebe: Now?(Starts singing again) "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer?Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him)桹h梠h! All right, I抣l pound on him in the morning.
End
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