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The One With Rachel抯 Assistant
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Written by: Brian Boyle
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don抰 mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren抰 amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn抰 have done it without you buddy. You抮e a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can抰 get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop-motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it抯 your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: It抯 your mommy. It抯 your mommy.
Ross: Ohhhh?
Rachel: That抯 nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they抮e gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was umm匫kay.
Ross: It wasn抰 the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you don抰! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means I抦 stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin?right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I don抰 know. I don抰 know. I can抰 lie to him again. Oh no I梟o! I抦 just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that抯 right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn抰 that good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You抣l never gonna believe what happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and?
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You抮e not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway I抦 sittin?in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: I抦 gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that抯 great!!
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Oh, you weren抰 finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if you抮e gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It抯 the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it抯 really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he抯 so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I抦 so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I got桰 get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: I抣l be playing Drake Ramoray抯 twin brother, Stryker!
Monica: Oooh!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) Well桰 got a head rush from standing up too fast right there.
[Scene: Rachel抯 New Office, she抯 interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That抯 right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel: I抳e never interviewed anyone before. I抳e actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn抰 the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It抯 not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in, it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I抦 a total pro!
(There抯 a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Man: Hello?
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I抦 sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I抦 here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what抯梬hat is梬hat抯 your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That抯 it. That抯 my whole name.
Rachel: That抯 your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let抯-let抯 just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I haven抰 worked in an office before, and I really don抰 have a lot of experience, but uh?
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You抳e got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday抯, come on!
Tag: It抯 lame, I know. But I抦 a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn?
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I抦 sorry, it抯 for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can抰 tell you. It抯 a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren抰 supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No I抦 serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why don抰 you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I can抰 do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I抣l tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we抮e on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe抯 secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe抯 old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: That抯 it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That抯 right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just don抰 know how you decide who to hire. I mean I抳e got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there抯 this guy?
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. He抯 so pretty I wanna cry! I don抰 know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don抰 hire an assistant because they抮e cute, you hire them because they抮e qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you抮e saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Let抯 see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh?But no! No! You can抰-you can抰 hire him, because that梚t抯 not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay you抮e right. I抣l hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don抰 show this to Monica! And don抰 tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer抯 office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: It抯 been a while, huh? Wow, it抯 funny these halls look smaller than they used to.
Terry: It抯 a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Ramoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why don抰 we start right now!
Joey: Okay.
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray, Stryker抯 twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Y択now Terry, I-I don抰 really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
Terry: I抦 sorry Joey that抯卼hat抯 the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think you抮e pretty special huh? Sittin?up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin?stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y択now what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who抯 hoop?This is a star that the hoop梩his hoop桰 was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, she抯 there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren抰 any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first?(Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
Rachel: Kinda.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn抰 put "good at noticing stuff" on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, I抦 guessing you hired somebody.
Rachel: Well?
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You抮e my new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Rachel: Yeah!
Tag: I can抰 believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey! Good, you抮e home!
Chandler: Oh it抯 always nicer to hear than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I抳e had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! What抯 up?
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Oh, nothin?much. Just trying to figure out what I抦 gonna do for dinner.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: (notices the table) Hey桹oh! What抯-what抯 that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. They抮e umm?They抮e just uh単round beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way I抣l pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can抰 eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What抯 so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) I抦 not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompson抯 getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It抯 not like I chose to do it! It抯 not like桰t抯 not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: You抮e right. I mean I抦 sorry. Yeah, I shouldn抰 be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had to okay?! We抮e getting married! Married couples can抰 keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar?
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you抮e thinking, Chandler抯 not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you抮e right, Chandler抯 not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with単irls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard?
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey桹oh, how抯 Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It抯 the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week抯 script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they抮e taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We抮e not even shootin?them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Phoebe: Sorry.
Rachel: I抦 sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn抰 mind, of course.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she抎 made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn抰 tell time 憈il she was 13!
Monica: It抯 hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow梬hoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: Hey!!!
Monica: Ohh, I抦 sorry I couldn抰 think of any more for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin?
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! That抯 madness!
[Scene: Rachel抯 Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Green抯 office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Tag: Hi! Rachel Green抯 office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
Tag: Phoebe! That抯 a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We抣l be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I抦 telling you?
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I抳e ever done. But I抦 telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There抯 a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because she抯 listed in the credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!
Kathy: Cute assistant! What抯 his story? Is he?
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terry抯 office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I抦 surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait桳ook梂ait I-I?Look, I抦 really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I抦 too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I can抰 help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guy抯 been in a coma for five years. It抯 hopeless.
Nurse #2: It抯 not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Ramoray抯 a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only it抯 not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Ramoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it抯 your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I抦 back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Monica: Y択now, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Monica: No!
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I don抰 know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Y択now when I said that because we抮e getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let抯 not do that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if you抣l excuse me, I-I抦 gonna go hang out with some people who don抰 know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, I抎 steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "I抦 sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn抰 hang out with卆ll the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, she抯 looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what抯 up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch卋y guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But I抦 not gay. And I especially wouldn抰 want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Why抯 that?
Tag: I don抰 think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don抰 want you to feel like you can抰 tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: 慘ay.
Tag: Well?
Rachel: Yeah.
Tag: I抎 love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, she抯 gay.
End
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