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The One With Rachel抯 Date
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Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica抯 Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress.]
Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! (Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey how was dinner?!
Phoebe: Dinner was good!
Monica: Okay!
Phoebe: I抦 just saying hi! Now I抦 gonna go!
Monica: Okay!
(Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive man.)
Phoebe: (To him) Oh, well hello there.
Guy: Hi.
Phoebe: (To Monica) I didn抰 see this on the menu.
Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef.
Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica抯 boss?
Tim: Actually she抯 my-my boss. Sous is French for under.
Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand.
Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?
Tim: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh you厃ou made pesto?
Tim: Yes I did.
Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o?
Tim: I匢-I don抰 know, but I would say it抯 pretty good-o. (Phoebe laughs too hard.)
(Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.)
Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.
Tim: I like your necklace.
Phoebe: I made it myself.
Tim: You are so talented.
Phoebe: Well, it抯 no pesto.
Monica: All right, all right! Let抯 just cut to the chase, okay? (To Phoebe) You抮e single. (To Tim) You抮e single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (To Tim) She抣l be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) I抣l give him your number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler抯 Office, he抯 working at his computer as his boss, Mr. Franklin, sticks his head in.]
Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Mr. Franklin: You抮e a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
Chandler: What抯 funny about that?
Ross: (running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long.
Chandler: Hey that抯 okay. So, where do you want to go?
Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go.
Chandler: The Hard Rock Caf?
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: Again?!
Ross: Yeah!!
(They go out to the elevators.)
Ross: I抦 telling you, I like the food!
Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)
Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?
Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that抯 my name.
Ross: Well, why don抰 you correct him?
Chandler: Oh it抯 been going on way to long now. Y択now, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn抰 say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it抯 five years later, the donut抯 gone and I抦 still Toby.
Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him!
Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look桞esides, we work in different departments. He抯 on the sixth floor y択now? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What抯 the big deal? It could be worse, it抯 not like he抯 calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)
Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It抯 not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!!
Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
[Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.]
Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I抳e discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it?
Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica抯 brain.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious?
Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let抯 just do that.
Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica抯 body, it was gone.
(Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little 慡mell-the-fart?acting.)
Director: Cut! Very nice people!
Joey: (To Rachel) Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner.
Rachel: Well don抰梂hat happened to Jessica抯 body?!
Joey: I抦 not telling, you抣l have to see it on TV!
Rachel: You don抰 know do you?
Joey: No, couldn抰 care less.
Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man.
Joey: Hey you too!
Joey's Co-Star: Alright.
(Rachel clears her throat.)
Joey: What? You weren抰 in it.
Rachel: Oh! (Motions to Joey抯 co-star.)
Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash?
Kash: Yes?
Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi.
Kash: Hey! How come I haven抰 seen you here before?
Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks I抣l just embarrass him. Y択now, he thinks I抦 some kind of a soap opera nut梂hich I抦 not! I抦 not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dog抯 name is Wally. Well look at that, I抦 just stroking your arm.
Joey: (grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go! (Starts to pull her away from Kash.)
Rachel: Oh, we抮e leaving. Bye Kash.
Kash: Bye.
Rachel: Say hi to Wally.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh Monica!
Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can抰 wait to get sous-neath him.
Monica: I匢 have to fire him.
Phoebe: But why?!
Monica: Because he抯 terrible! Okay, he抯 slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire!
Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y択now you can be very intimidating. And besides I抳e met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.
Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please?
Monica: (thinks about it) All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there!
Phoebe: That抯 fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too.
Monica: I paid to have this done.
Phoebe: Love it!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming.
Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot.
Joey: Hey, I抦 with you. He even asked me if I thought you抎 go out with him.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think I抦 gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
Joey: I said no.
Rachel: What?!
Joey: What? I匢 just figured since you抮e pregnant you抮e not gonna be seeing people.
Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?
Joey: I didn抰 tell him. I didn抰 know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people.
Rachel: Good-good, don抰 tell him. Don抰 tell him. Just have him call me okay?
Joey: Rach look, I really don抰 think that抯 such a great?
Rachel: Okay, you go do it! I抣l come back to that set! I抣l meet more actors! I抣l meet 慹m all!
[Scene: Chandler抯 Office Building, Chandler is walking by the elevators and sees Bob standing there.]
Chandler: Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey! How抯 my pal Toby doing today?
Chandler: If I see him, I抣l ask.
Bob: (laughs) Toby!
(The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.)
Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too?
Chandler: Yeah!
Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other.
Chandler: We抮e on a semi-first name basis.
Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team?
Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don抰 know if he has what it takes.
Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six.
Chandler: But this is eleven. It抯 almost twice as hard up here.
Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put.
Chandler: I think it抯 best sir.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I抳e got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)
Chandler: Y択now what you should do, just toss 慹m in the shedder and claim you never got 慹m.
Mr. Franklin: (laughs) That抯 a good one. (Walks away.)
Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go!
Phoebe: But?
Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you can抰 fire him today.
Monica: Why not?!
Phoebe: Because I抦 dumping him today.
Monica: What?! You said he was sweet!
Phoebe: He is sweet. He抯 too sweet. He calls me all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?"
Monica: Just don抰 pick up your phone.
Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him) "I抦 so worried about you." Uck! Be a man!
Monica: What? So now I抦 not allowed to fire him?
Phoebe: You can抰 fire him and dump him the same day, he抣l kill himself.
Monica: Okay well then, I抣l fire him today and you go out with him for another week.
Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I抣l kill myself!
Monica: Okay well, then we抣l both do it today and he抣l just have to deal with it!
Phoebe: Okay. But the question is who抯 gonna go first. 慍ause whoever goes second is the bitch.
Monica: What do you mean?
Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that抯 just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that抯 just been fired, blond bitch!
Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first.
Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh. But桽crew you I抦 going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.)
[Scene: Chandler抯 Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk up.]
Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec?
Chandler: Sure, what抯 up?
Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I抦 not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.]
Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I抦 not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I抦 a recovering alcoholic. I抦 a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I抦 still a little drunk?"
Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There抯 a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that抯 supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
Joey: No. No. But I抣l go see a normal person movie with ya.
Ross: Rach? You wanna come?
Rachel: Oh no, I can抰. I got a date.
Ross: A date?
Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?
Ross: Why no, it抯 the opposite of weird. It抯-it抯 uh, regular. It抯-it抯 uh, it抯 mundane. It抯 actually uh, a little dull.
Joey: It抯 no Ukrainian film.
Rachel: Yeah桹oh! Earrings! (Goes into her room.)
Ross: A date?! She抯-she抯 got a date?! With who?
Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show.
Ross: You set her up?!
Joey: No
Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?!
Joey: Well, I was thinking that it抎 probably be okay because Ross hasn抰 gone out with Rachel in five years!
Ross: Joey, I抦 not worried about her! I抦 worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them?
Joey: Hey! I抦 an (does the quote-marks thing as well) actor too! I抦 not sure. I think they抮e taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island.
Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour?
Ross: Why don抰 they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that抯 a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That抯 fun too! Whew!!
(There抯 a knock on the door and Joey answers it.)
Kash: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash.
Kash: Hey.
Ross: Hi. I-I hear you抮e going on a ferry tonight.
Kash: Yeah.
Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we?
Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey guys do you think this is too slutty桯i Kash!
Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go?
Rachel: Yeah! All right, I抣l see you guys later.
Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys.
Rachel: Thank you.
Kash: Thank you.
Ross: Yes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door before Rachel could hear the entire sentence.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters.]
Tim: (walks behind Phoebe) Hi! (And startles her.)
Phoebe: Hi.
Tim: Oh, I抦 so glad you called. I feel like it抯 always me calling you. So, what抯 up? Is everything okay with Phoebe?
Phoebe: It will be卛n a minute. Listen, Tim you抮e a really great guy.
Tim: It抯 because I抦 with you.
Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) I抦 just桰抦 in a place in my life right now where I匢?
(Tim抯 beeper goes off and he answers it.)
Tim: Whoops. Sorry. (Looking at it, like a newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe fake laughs.) Oh, it抯 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right away. (Starts to leave.)
Phoebe: Oh-oh no she doesn抰! I know what that is. You can stay.
Tim: Awww, I抣l miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to leave) And I will be holding you, right here. (Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to Phoebe who catches it, and then leaves and Phoebe throws the kiss back.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are having dinner.]
Joey: So what movie do you want to see桝nd not another one I have to read. Okay? I get enough of that from books.
Ross: Books?
Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it抯 like enough!
Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why don抰 we uh, why don抰 we just stay here? Let抯 not see a movie, we抣l just hang.
Joey: And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Hey, if that抯 what you want to do I抦 not gonna say no.
Joey: Dude! What is going on?!
Ross: I just匢 have to find out how it went.
Joey: Why?
Ross: This guy could be my baby抯 stepfather!
Joey: They go on one date and you抮e worried about them getting married?! He抯 not you!
Ross: I just桰-I can抰 believe she抯-she抯 dating?!
Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?
Ross: I don抰 know! I guess I just can抰 believe any of this is happening.
Joey: What do you mean?
Ross: It抯 just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan抯, it抯 like桰t breaks my heart a little. I mean I抳e always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Y択now? Maybe fight over the science section.
Joey: That抯 a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that!
Ross: No! No I can抰. I mean Rachel抯 out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.
Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?
Ross: It used to be. Now she doesn抰 really have a face. Smokin?body though.
Joey: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the face isn抰 Rachel.
Ross: No but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were?
Joey: I know, but I don抰 think that抯 what she wants.
Ross: No, it抯 not what I want either. I mean I-I can抰 force myself to fall in love with her again now.
Joey: That抯 okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? It抯 not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there抯 gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Hey, I tell you what. Let抯 you and me go out and have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want. Come on!
Ross: (checks his watch) We can still catch that Ukrainian film.
Joey: No, I said fun!
[Scene: Outside Chandler抯 Office, Chandler is just about to go into his office when Bob calls for him from behind.]
Bob: Hey Toby!
Chandler: Hey Bobby.
Bob: It抯 Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bing抯 office is?
Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, it抯 (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?
Bob: I want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.
Chandler: Okay Bob listen uhh, I抦 the reason you didn抰 get the job up here.
Bob: Toby don抰.
Chandler: Bob!
Bob: Toby! I抦 not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler!
Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult position.
[Scene: Monica抯 Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is waiting for Tim who enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Tim: I got your page, is everything okay?
Monica: Uh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe?
Tim: Oh it抯 great! It抯 great! Thank you so much for introducing us!
Monica: Oh my pleasure. Okay, I抦 afraid I抳e got some bad news. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Monica!
Monica: (simultaneously) You抮e fired!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) I抦 breaking up with you!
Tim: What?
Phoebe: I抦, I抦 breaking up with you.
Monica: You抮e fired.
Tim: Why?
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, I抦 just桰抦匢抦 just not ready for a relationship right now.
Monica: Yeah and-and I抦 sorry too. But, well I just桰 like things done a certain way and the chemistry抯 just not right.
Phoebe: Oh that抯 good, the chemistry thing for us too.
Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm?(To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, it抯 only because I think you抮e so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because I梱ou抮e the most talented chef I抳e ever worked for. Anyway?(Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)
Monica: Tim wait!
Tim: Yeah?
Monica: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-there抯 a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again.
Tim: Really?
Monica: Yeah.
Tim: Thank you so much! 慍ause I-I know I can do better!
Monica: Okay.
(They both look at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: And Tim I just wanna say, good luck here. (Shakes his hand and leaves, which disgusts Monica.)
[Scene: A Street, Ross is walking past a newsstand and sees Rachel.]
Ross: Hello.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Well, how was the date?
Rachel: Well I抦 alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think?
Ross: Uh-huh. What happened?
Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant.
Ross: Ah, he didn抰 uh, take it so well?
Rachel: Well better than you, but y択now still not what you want.
Ross: Oh?
Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."
Ross: He sounds swell.
Rachel: Doesn抰 he?
Ross: Hey, wanna厀anna a little cheering up?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: Sit down.
Rachel: Okay.
(They sit on some front steps.)
Ross: Guess whose middle name is Muriel.
Rachel: (thinks then gasps) Chandler M. Bing?
Ross: Yeah-ha!
Rachel: Oh my God. (Laughs)
Ross: I抦 sorry about your date.
Rachel: Oh it抯 all right. I抦 guess I抦 just done with the whole dating thing. It抯 one more thing in my life that抯 suddenly completely different. This is hard.
Ross: Yeah I know. (Pause) On the other hand in um, in about seven months you抮e gonna have something that you抮e gonna love more than any guy you抳e ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea.
Rachel: Thanks sweetie.
Ross: You wanna, you wanna grab some coffee?
Rachel: Oh no, I think I抦 gonna go home and eat ten candy bars.
Ross: Hey, I thought I cheered you up.
Rachel: Oh you did, there are twenty in here.
Ross: Right. Good night.
Rachel: Good night.
(He kisses her on the cheek and heads to Central Perk.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering and Mona from the wedding recognizes him.]
Mona: Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: Hey it抯 Mona! From the wedding.
Ross: Oh hi!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Wow! Uh卙ow are you?
Mona: I抦 good except umm, you still owe me a dance.
Ross: Oh that抯 right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Mona: (laughs then stops) Oh you抮e serious. Sure!
Ross: Great! Well umm?
(Ross continues to talk to her as the camera pans to show Rachel standing in the doorway.)
Mona: I think I might need one more cup of coffee.
Ross: Sure! Uh, let me get it for ya.
Mona: Okay.
(Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to head for home.)
Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler抯 Office, Bob is ransacking Chandler抯 office.]
Chandler: (entering) Bob. Bob! Bob!!! (He turns around) What the hell are you doing?!
Bob: I just found out this is Chandler抯 office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!
(He thinks about it and decides to join in by turning over a chair and continue ransacking the place.)
End
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