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The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath
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Written by: Vanessa McCarthy
Transcribed by: Jean Liew
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[Scene: Joey and Rachel抯. Joey is eating Frosted Flakes.]
Joey: (in his head) All right. It抯 a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don抰 feel that now. It抯 crazy. You抮e fine. You抮e better than fine. In fact, as your friend Tony would say, grrreat! Everything抯 normal. She抯 just your friend Rachel. Your friend, Rachel. Your friend, Rachel.
(Rachel comes out of her room.)
Rachel: Hi sweetie!
Joey: Hey! It抯 your girlfriend, Rachel!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Monica exits from the bathroom and sits down in the living room with Chandler.]
Monica: Hi...
Chandler: Are you, are you high?
Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.
Chandler: Really? I don抰 like baths.
Monica: Yeah, you do. You like them with me.
Chandler: It抯 not the bath I enjoy, it抯 the wet, naked lady.
Monica: Uh, baths are so relaxing.
Chandler: What do you do? You just sit there stewing in your own filth.
Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I抦 telling you. If you had some candles, and some bubbles, and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.
Chandler: Honey, it抯 two o抍lock on a Wednesday and I抦 watching Road Rules. How stressed do you think I am?
(Joey enters.)
Joey: Hey, Chandler. You, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.
Chandler: Oh yeah. (he searches through the fridge) Is this a leftover meatloaf talk or a cold pizza talk?
Joey: Neither.
Chandler: Oh my God, what抯 up?
(They sit.)
Joey: I dunno. It抯 just, lately, I抳e been feeling a little... (he can抰 say it) Ok, here抯 what it is... (he can抰 say it) Y択now what, I feel a lot better, thanks.
Chandler: Just come back.
Joey: All right. Um, you and Monica. Friends a long time. And sure, there are rules. You went to London. But that抯 different. I mean, there are rules there too. You know what I mean?
Chandler: Do you?
Joey: It was different for you guys. You were both in the same place, right? Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, when Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
Joey: Y択now what, this is a bad idea. Forget it. (gets up) Forget it. This was bad. Listen, do me a favor. Keep this a conversation between you and me.
Chandler: If that.
(Joey leaves.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down with a muffin.]
Rachel: Hi. Ross, listen, don抰 forget, we have that doctor抯 appointment tomorrow.
Ross: Right.
Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?
Ross: We talked about it and we don抰 wanna know. All we care about is that it抯 happy and healthy.
Rachel: Yeah. Happy and healthy and cute.
Ross: And smart.
Rachel: Popular.
Ross: With an aptitude for science.
Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey, have you started to think of names yet?
Rachel: Yeah. I抳e come up with a bunch of ideas.
Ross: Really? Me too.
Phoebe: Me too!
Rachel: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah. If it抯 a girl, Phoebe. If it抯 a boy, Phoebo.
Ross: Maybe. It wouldn抰 hurt to have a backup though. Rach, Rach, what were you thinking?
Rachel: Ok. I was thinking if it抯 a girl, how about...Sandrine? It抯 French.
Ross: Oh. Oh. That抯 a really pretty name for, for...an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, fine, what do you have?
Ross: Ok, it抯 a for a boy Oh, it抯 a little out there, but, Darwin.
Rachel: Oh, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.
Ross: You抮e just saying that cause I said no to your name.
Rachel: I抎 really not.
Phoebe: How about you each get five vetoes?
Ross / Rachel: Oh ok.
Rachel: All right.
Ross: That sounds fair.
Rachel: Like you抮e gonna need it though. Oh, check this out. If it抯 a girl, Rain.
Ross: Veto.
Rachel: Why?!
Ross: Rain? 揌i. Hi. My name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat.?
Phoebe: I know her!! ???
Ross: Ok. How about for a boy, Fatture! (?)
Rachel: Ross, do you hate our child?
Ross: Fine. You go.
Rachel: Ok. James.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: But only if it抯 a girl.
Ross: Oh, veto. Ok, how about, ooh! I like Ruth. What about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh. I抦 sorry. Are we having an eighty-nine year old? How about Dayton?
Ross: Veto. Stuart.
Rachel: Veto. Sawyer.
Ross: Veto. Helen.
Rachel: Veto.
Phoebe: Is it me, or is Veto starting to sound really good?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Boy, do I really have a surprise for you!
Chandler: Sex on the balcony?
Monica: No, but someone抯 really not going to get over that idea.
Chandler: What is it?
Monica: I drew you a bath.
Chandler: Honey, I don抰 like baths. Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?
Monica: Please, will you try it for me? Come on! I used all my best stuff! I, I lit some candles, I put on some music, I used bath salts, plus bubble bath. And I got you this little Navy ship. (holds it up) So it抯 a boy bath.
Chandler: This does butch it up a bit.
Monica: I swear, if you try it, you抣l love it.
Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?
Monica: Absolutely. (Chandler does a victory thing and rushes into the bathroom) I don抰 know how that discussion抯 gonna go.
[Scene: The bathroom. Chandler抯 in the bath. There are candles at the foot of the tub and Only Time is playing. He抯 apparently enjoying himself.]
Chandler: (in his head) All right. This isn抰 so bad. I like the flowery smell. Which is ok because I抳e got my boat.
(He pulls it out. There抯 a knock and Monica enters.)
Monica: So?
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: I told you you were a bath person. Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.
Chandler: I抦 gonna need a bigger boat.
[Scene: The doctor抯.]
Ross: I don抰 think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. Oh come on. Little Ruthie Geller? How cute is that?
Rachel: Oh, oh my God, I can practically hear the mah-jong tiles!
Dr. Long: Ok. All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of your baby?
Ross: Oh, no, we抮e not.
Rachel: Oh, but you have it right there in your file? You could tell us whether it抯 a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?
Dr. Long: That抯 right. But, if you don抰 wanna know -
Ross: No. We wanna wait.
Rachel: Right. Right.
(Dr. Long gets beeped.)
Dr. Long: Oh. I抣l be right back. And I know it抯 really not my place, but please don抰 name your child Phoebo.
(She leaves. Rachel looks at the wall, covered with baby pictures.)
Rachel: So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
Ross: What?! Rach, come on. That抯 terrible. They抮e, uh, they抮e babies. They抮e all beautiful.
Rachel: Third one from the left.
Ross: Yeah. Why is it staring at me? (Rachel starts to peak at the file) I think it knows I抦 talking about it. Don抰, don抰 you (turns around) what?!! You抮e looking!!
Rachel: I didn抰!!
Ross: I saw you!!
Rachel: I did, but, but I didn抰 see anything, I swear!!
Ross: Shame on you!! Ugly Baby judges you!!
Rachel: But, hey, Ross, listen to me! I -
Ross: No, no, don抰 tell me, I don抰 wanna know!!
Rachel: I couldn抰 tell you even if I wanted to because I don抰 know!! I really didn抰 see anything and I don抰 wanna know! It was just a momentary lapse.
Ross: A momentary lapse! Don抰 you have any self control?!
Rachel: Uh, ok, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Monica enters.]
Monica: Hello?
Chandler: I抦 in the bathroom. Can you come in here? There抯 something wrong.
Monica: Y-y択now what? I think I抣l wait out here.
Chandler: I抦 in the bathtub.
Monica: Oh. (she goes into the bathroom) Hey. What抯 wrong?
Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong. The water抯 tepid, the salts didn抰 dissolve and there抯 now...lodged places. And the scents I used don抰 compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile? Oh!
Monica: What?
Chandler: The bath salts. They抮e starting to effervesce. It抯 different...It抯 interesting.
Monica: Ok, um, let抯 talk about something else.
Chandler: Right. Sure. Sure. So what was going on with you today? Oh! Oh!
Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong...
Chandler: I had the same conversation!
Monica: You did? What was he talking about?
Chandler: I don抰 know. Joey hasn抰 had this much trouble getting out a word since we saw him in Macbeth.
Monica: That was a loooong night.
Chandler: All right. Let抯 break this down. What exactly did he say to you?
Monica: Ok. He was talking about rules.
Chandler: Uh huh.
Monica: And looking at people differently.
Chandler: He didn抰 say anything about that to me.
Monica: Oh. What did he say to you?
Chandler: He was asking me all these questions about you, me and London. And of course the glue that holds us all together, the rules.
Monica: Ok. So, you, me and London, and looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and me did in London with someone.
Chandler: But what did he mean about rules?
Monica: Wait a minute. He stopped talking the moment Phoebe came in.
Chandler: He was looking at differently.
Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so that would be breaking the rules!
Chandler: Oh my God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!
Phoebe: You guys?
Monica: Just a minute! The future Mrs. Tribbiani!
Chandler: Don抰 say anything.
Monica: Why would I say anything? When two of our closest of friends could start the great love affair of our lives! And they would have me to thank! And we could all start having babies!!
Chandler: I抦 not going to let you say anything!
(He starts to get up but Monica puts more stuff into his bath.)
Monica: Hey, you just stay here!
Chandler: Ahh...
(Cut to the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Oh! Monica, I brought back your iron.
(She holds it up.)
Monica: You had that?! I thought I lost it. I got a new one like a month ago.
Phoebe: Oh. Just as well. I broke this one. (she dumps it in the trash. Monica stares at her) What?
Monica: Nothing.
Phoebe: Ok.
Monica: I mean, I, I, I really shouldn抰 say. I抦 really not supposed to.
Phoebe: Fine.
Monica: It抯 a humdinger!
Phoebe: Well, then it抯 really too bad that you can抰 tell me.
Monica: Somebody likes you!!!
Phoebe: Oh. Is it Chandler?
Monica: No!!
Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring!
Monica: It抯 Joey.
Phoebe: Really, Joey? You don抰 say?
Monica: Is it something you抎 be interested in?
Phoebe: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. You know, on the one hand, mother may I. But, y択now, on the other hand, no. No, I can抰. It抯 - no, oh no. I don抰 wanna risk what we have.
Monica: I guess this makes sense. Do you think you抮e gonna talk to him?
Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it抯 Joey! He can抰 get hurt. Wow! I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey?
Monica: No, no. Not Chandler. Just Joey.
Phoebe: (not believing her) Uh. Sure.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is there and Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Y択now what, I抳e been thinking about it. I抦 really coming along on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.
Ross: Rach! I can抰 tell you how much that means to me! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You, you hated the name Ruth. Why would you change your mind? Unless you know we抮e never going to have to use it. You saw the folder and you know it抯 a boy!!
Rachel: I didn抰 see anything. I actually changed my mind about the name!!
Ross: Oh I don抰 think so. You, you just gave me Ruth so that you抎 get to name him when it抯 a boy. And then you抣l swoop in and, and name him Heath! Or Blaine! Or, or Sequoia!
Rachel: I would - Sequoia!
Ross: Veto.
Rachel: Fine.
Ross: Unless!
Rachel: No...
Ross: Unless you anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it抯 a girl. And, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! I抦 not falling for that!! And Ruth is off the table!!
Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth.
Ross: Not like this!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel抯. Joey is there and Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Uh, what抯 up?
Phoebe: Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaaat?
Phoebe: I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh my God, you do?!
Phoebe: Yes. And I抦 sorry. I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that抯 very rare.
Joey: I know, I know. And this, this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys! I mean, it抯 Rachel for God抯 sakes!
Phoebe: For God抯 sakes, it抯 Rachel.
Joey: I know, I know. And not only is she my friend, she抯 my pregnant friend! My pregnant friend who抯 Ross抯 ex!
Phoebe: Yeah, that抯 Rachel. Don抰 beat me over the head with it.
Joey: What am I going to do? Y択now, I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings. Like, last night, I stayed up all night making a list of all the things I don抰 like about her. Wanna hear it?
Phoebe: Yeah.
(He gets it out of a drawer.)
Joey: 揝he made me switch to Light Mayo.?That抯 it! (crumbles up the paper) That抯 all I got! And you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better.
Phoebe: Joey, I think you抮e just getting upset with nothing. It抯 probably just a crush.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Absolutely! Y択now, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away.
Joey: Yeah! It抯 just a crush! That抯 all this is! It抯 a crush! I抦 Joey, I don抰 get deep feelings.
Phoebe: That抯 right. There you go. Crushes happen all the time. I know I抳e had them for all you guys. Except for Ross and Chandler.
Joey: Huh.
Phoebe: And I抦 sure you抳e had them for us.
Joey: Not really.
Phoebe: Umm hmm. (turns around) Throw me a bone here!
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel抯 there and Ross enters.]
Ross: So, uh, I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: That抯 right. The student has become the master.
Rachel: Ross, I swear. I don抰 know!
Ross: Oh come on! You know it抯 a girl!
Rachel: A what?!
Ross: You really didn抰 know?
Rachel: We抮e having a girl?!
Ross: No...
Rachel: That抯 what you just said! A girl!
Ross: Yes. I憁 sorry. I抦 so sorry.
Rachel: Oh... Don抰 be. We抮e having a girl!! Sometimes I can抰 believe it抯 with you, but, uh, we抮e having a girl!! Oh!
(They hug.)
Ross: I know, I know. Y択now what, I抦 putting Ruth back on the table.
Rachel: Oh yes! We抣l have ourselves a little baby Ruth!
(They think about it.)
Ross: Permission to veto?
Rachel: Yes, please.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler enters. Monica comes out of the bathroom.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Do I smell essential oils?
Monica: Yeah, I抦 going to take a bath. I抦 just going to get a magazine.
(Chandler rushes into the bathroom and closes the door. Monica comes out with the magazine and goes into the bathroom. He抯 already in the bath.)
Monica: What do you think you抮e doing?!
Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind?
Monica: I know you抮e new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum.
Chandler: It抯 so hard to care when you抮e this relaxed.
Monica: Fine. You can have the bath but I am taking your boat. (she picks it up) You抮e just a girl in a tub!
(She turns to leave but bumps into Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Ooh!
Chandler: Hey!!
Phoebe: Hi Bubbles. Manly. Well, I thought I would just drop by and let you knwo how it went with Joey.
Chandler: You told her?!!
Monica: She pulled it out of me!! She抯 like a conversational wizard. How did it go?
Phoebe: Well, it turned out he doesn抰 like me.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, how would you feel if you went to Lee Majors抯 house and I told you he liked you, but you went down there and found out he didn抰 like you, how would you feel?!
Monica: I don抰 think I抎 care.
Phoebe: Lee Majors is hot.
Joey: Hello?
Phoebe: We抮e in the bathroom!
Joey: Why?
Chandler: Because it抯 a relaxing and enjoyable time.
(He comes in.)
Joey: What are you guys doing in here?
Monica: Oh my God. A friend he抯 looking at differently. But we抮e wrong. It抯 Rachel.
Chandler: You like Rachel?!!
Joey: Hey, look, it抯 not a big deal. Phoebe and I talked about it. It抯 just a crush. It will go away. Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles. Ooh!
(He looks away while Chandler does so.)
Phoebe: Mazel tov.
(Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh hey.
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: I抳e been looking for you. What are we doing in here? Oh my...
Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat.
(She hands it to him.)
Ross: Hello?
Chandler: Yes, we抮e all in here and we抎 love for you to join us!!
(Ross enters.)
Ross: Well, hey, hey, what抯 going on? Ooh, cool boat. Oh no! Hey, did-did-did you tell them?
Rachel: No. I was waiting for you.
Phoebe: Tell us what?
Rachel: We抮e having a girl.
Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: Yay!
(They all hug and then look at Chandler.)
Chandler: Oh, I抣l catch ya later!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel抯. He抯 eating Cocoa Puffs.]
Joey: (in his head) All right. It抯 a new day. It抯 just a crush. That抯 all. Just a little crush. All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like the bird here would say, it was cuckoo! Everything抯 going to be fine. It抯 just a crush.
(Rachel comes out her room.)
Rachel: Hi sweetie.
Joey: I love you!!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯 bathroom. They抮e both in the tub.]
Monica: It抯 nice to do this together, isn抰 it?
Chandler: Yeah. And what you抮e doing feels sooo good.
Monica: I抦 not touching you.
Chandler: You抮e not?
Monica: It抯 the salt.
Chandler: Oh, sweet lord, new realms of pleasure.
Monica: Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy.
(She reads her magazine.)
End
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