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The One Where Rachel Is Late
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Written by: Shana Goldberg Meehan
Transcribed by: Jean Liew
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[Scene: Central Perk.]
Ross: Hey what you guys looking at?
Joey: Oh its a poster for that world war one movie that im in, check it out.
Ross: Yeah wo it looks really VIOLENT!
Joey: I know, i coming soon to a theatre near you, im in THX, im unsuitable for children!
Ross: Man i cannot wait to see this.
Joey: Yeah yeah its already generating oscar buzz.
Phoebe: I started that!
Joey: i thought i did, Oh hey guess what i just talked to my agent and the premiere is next week, and your all invited
Everyone: [Excited] Oh great.
Monica: Are we going to take a limo?
Joey: Sure! Why not?
Monica: I love taking a limo when nobody died.
Rachel: Well, obviously, I won抰 be able to come. For those of you who haven抰 checked your calendars, today抯 my due date!
Everyone: Oh. yeah [suttle laughing]
Rachel: Well, I just wanted to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you抳e been during this time. I couldn抰 have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! I am so looking forward to the next part. I am really going to miss being pregnant.
[Cut to the next day or so. Central Perk. Rachel enters.]
Rachel: That抯 right, still no baby. Come on, people, make some room!
(Ross gets out of his chair.)
Ross: Oh, sweetie, maybe you抎 be more comfortable here.
Rachel: (mad) You... Like you haven抰 done enough.
Ross: But, I, I know how miserable you are. I wish there were something I could do. I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses, it抯 the male...they carry the baby. (Rachel glares some more) And then, also, I抎 be far away in the sea.
(He sits back down. Joey, Monica and Chandler move over on the couch and Rachel sits.)
Rachel: God. Whoa. I have never been so uncomfortable in my whole entire life.
Phoebe: Oh, I抳e been there. I remember, towards the end -
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, that抯 a great story. Could you tell it to me while you抮e getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe goes to the counter) Ooh... Oh, God, get out! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!
Chandler: [something]
(They all get up except for Rachel.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Joey, Chandler and Phoebe are there. Rachel enters and sighs.]
Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?
Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you, cause I抣l do it.
Monica: What are you doing here so early?
Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, 揝tart your maternity leave early. Just rest. Get ready for the baby.?Y択now what, screw 慹m. They don抰 want me there, I抣l just hang out with you guys.
Phoebe: Or, you could do volunteer work.
(Joey抯 cell rings.)
Joey: Hello.
(Cut to Estelle.)
Estelle: Joey, it抯 Estelle. Great news. I got up and one guest tickets to the premiere.
(Cut to Joey, back and forth whenever they talk, and so on.)
Joey: One guest?! You said I could have six tickets.
Estelle: Oh, I sold four of them on Ebay. (Joey looks upset) You抣l be sitting next to HotGuy372.
Joey: Oh my God, so that抯 it? I only get to bring one guest?
Estelle: What time you wanna pick me up? ...hello?
Joey: (to the gang) Did you hear that? I only get one ticket to the premiere, so I have to pick between you three and Ross.
Rachel: But what, what about me?
Joey: You said you didn抰 want to go.
Rachel: I don抰. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What, just because I抦 pregnant, I抦 invisible?
Joey: Definitely not invisible.
Monica: Well, y択now, Ross didn抰 care enough to be here, so I think he抯 out. You snooze, you lose.
Chandler: He抯 not snoozing, he抯 teaching a class.
Monica: Somebody抯 snoozing. Uh, Joey, not that this should affect you at all, but if you pick me...I was planning to wear a sequin dress, cut down to here.
(She shows him.)
Chandler: I haven抰 seen this dress.
Monica: Star in a movie.
Phoebe: Joey, you pick whoever you want. Listen to your heart telling you. 揚hoe-be, Phoe-be.?
Joey: Well, uh, I think I wanna take Chandler.
Phoebe: Phoe-be, Phoe-be, (speeds up) Phoe-be, Phoe-be, Phoe-be.
(She makes the no heart rate noise.)
Chandler: You really wanna take me?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I抦 sorry. I wish I could take everybody, but Chandler抯 always supported my career. He抯 always paid for acting classes and headshots and stuff. I mean, all this will be my way of paying you back.
Chandler: So you抮e never going to actually pay me back?
Monica: Hey, just because he paid for your headshots, you抮e going to take him? I, I don抰 think you抮e comprehending just how slutty this dress is!
Joey: Y択now, it抯 not just the stuff you paid for! I mean, it抯 everything, you know? He read lines, he, he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous. He consoled me after I didn抰 get parts that I really wanted. He always believed in me, even, even when I didn抰 believe in myself.
Chandler: I always knew you were going to make it. I抦 so proud of you.
Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.
Joey: All right, I抦 gonna go shave.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I抦 gonna go spit.
(They leave to get their dignity back. Rachel gets up.)
Rachel: Uh, I have to go pee. If I don抰 come out in five minutes, it抯 because I抳e choked to death on the potpourri stink.
(She goes in the bathroom.)
Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose and I抣l blow her mouth and the kid will just (makes pop noise) right out of her.
Monica: She抯 over a week late. She抯 gotta have it today, right?
Phoebe: I don抰 know. I think it抯 still gonna be awhile.
Monica: Care to make it interesting? I bet you that she will have it by this time tomorrow.
Phoebe: Ok.
Monica: Ok, how much?
Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars.
Monica: How about fifty bucks?
Phoebe: Fine. I抣l call [???] and move some money around.
Rachel: (from the bathroom) All right, whose turn is it to help me get up?
Phoebe: No one抯 here! (realizes) Oh dammit.
(She goes to help Rachel.)
[Scene: The premiere. Cameras, people, the whole deal. The signs says World Premiere, 揙ver There.?I guess this the movie Joey was working on when Chandler and Monica got married. Chandler and Joey get out of the limo.]
Chandler: This is so exciting. There are cameras, people taking our picture. How do I look?
(He straightens his collar.)
Joey: A little tall.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Would you mind crouching down a little bit so I look taller? (Chandler does.) There you go.
Chandler: It抯 just so glamorous.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: Oh, hey. Well, Mon, Rach is here. Still pregnant. Uh, I抦 sorry, I know how uncomfortable you are. You know what, you look great.
Rachel: Oh, thank you.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Fifty bucks.
Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently, this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy.
(She goes in the bathroom.)
Monica: Dammit. Dammit. Here抯 fifty bucks.
(She gives it to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: I see that you lost. I forget, do you like to lose?
Monica: Oh, stop it! Double or nothing, that she has it by tomorrow.
Phoebe: Fine! You抮e on. Until then, General Grant, why don抰 you set up camp, right here.
(She puts the bill down her shirt. Ross enters.)
Ross: Hey, is Rachel here, we have a doctor抯 appointment.
Monica: She抯 in the bathroom.
Ross: We have to go.
Rachel: (bitchy) IN A MINUTE!!!!
Ross: People ask me why we抮e not together. I don抰 know what to tell them.
(Rachel comes out.)
Rachel: All right, all right. Let抯 go.
Ross: Uh, do you want to change first? The doctor抯 keeping the office open late, so if you hurry...
Rachel: I抦 fine.
Ross: Really, don抰 you think that抯 a little inappropriate?
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Good God, man, don抰 anger it.
Rachel: Ross, it抯 one hundred degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat capable -
Ross: Oh ok, whatever you want. Ok, you抮e the mommy.
Rachel: Uhuhuhuh, pal, don抰 call me mommy, if you call your own mother that.
(She leaves.)
Monica: I抦 actually with her on this one.
(Ross leaves.)
[Scene: The premiere, inside the theatre. Joey is watching the movie.]
Joey抯 Character Whose Name I Forgot: I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along.
Joey: Ok, this is it. There抯 a fight scene coming up.
(Chandler抯 asleep with his mouth open.)
Joey抯 Character: ...and the 82nd Ground Division...
[Scene: The doctor抯 office. Ross and Rachel are waiting.]
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Can I ask you something? When Carol was pregnant with Ben...
Ross: Umm hmm?
Rachel: Were you this irritated?
Ross: ...wow.
Rachel: 慡cuse me?
Ross: Nothing, it抯 just, uh, you抳e been a little short with me lately. I抦 not trying to irritate you.
Rachel: Well, then you must just have a natural talent for it.
Ross: Y択now what, the doctor will be in soon. Why don抰 we not speak?
(Rachel mouths ok.)
Rachel: Seriously, [something].
Ross: You know, we should ask the doctor if she knows how to deliver a baby that抯 half human, half pure evil!!
(Dr. Long enters.)
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi, Dr. Long, how are you?
Ross: You抮e nice to her.
Rachel: She has the drugs.
Dr. Long: We抣l do a quick check.
Rachel: Ok.
Dr. Long: Eight days late, huh?
Rachel: Yeah.
Dr. Long: You must be getting a little uncomfortable.
Rachel: A tad.
Dr. Long: Well, you抮e about eighty percent [???], so you抮e on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you抮e anxious, there are some ways to help you along.
Rachel: Do them!
Dr. Long: Actually, there are things you could do. Just some home remedies. In my experience, I抳e found that some of them are very effective.
Rachel: I抦 ready to try anything.
Dr. Long: Ok. An herbal tea you can drink. You could take some castor oil. There抯 eating spicy food.
Rachel: We抣l do all of those.
Dr. Long: Taking a long walk.
Rachel: Good, done.
Dr. Long: And then, there抯 the one proved most effective. Sex.
(Rachel glares at Ross.)
Ross: You抳e got to be kidding!!
(Rachel takes a look at the booklet.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The premiere. Credits music...applause. Chandler wakes up.]
Chandler: Good job, Joe, well done, top notch.
Joey: You liked it, you really liked it?
Chandler: Oh, oh yeah!
Joey: Which part?
Chandler: The whole thing!
(They get up.)
Joey: Whoa, give me some specifics.
Chandler: I loved the specifics. The specifics were the best part!
Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did you, did you like that part?
Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo...in a World War One epic.
[Yep, he did the stress thing.]
(Joey nods.)
Joey: (angrily) You fell asleep!!! There was no kangaroo. They didn抰 take any of my suggestions. Thanks a lot for coming, buddy. See ya later.
(He leaves.)
Chandler: I抦 sorry. I抦 so sorry. (points) Look, this guy fell asleep. He fell asleep too, be mad at him!! (the guy doesn抰 look so good) Or, call an ambulance.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are on the couch. Phoebe and Monica enter.]
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby抯 going to come?
Rachel: No, but she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
Ross: Yeah, we went for a walk, herbal tea, castor oil, spicy food. nothing worked.
Rachel: Well, there was something else that we didn抰 try, but someone thinks (mimics Ross) 搕hat will open up a can of worms!?
Monica: Well, what is it, what is it? If it can help bring the baby here, like today, I think that you should do it.
Ross: It抯 sex.
Monica: Do it!
Ross: Monica!
Monica: I抦 just saying, it抯 been a really long time and women have needs. [something]
Phoebe: Oh, I, I, I don抰 know about that. Anyway, if you two had sex, the repercussions could be catastrophic.
Monica: All right, let抯 think about it. If Ross isn抰 willing to do it, he isn抰 the only guy in the world who could have sex with you. You could borrow Chandler. Chandler is good.
Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you?!
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
Rachel: Why, why are you doing it?
Monica: Oh, fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you抮e gonna have the baby and I don抰 want to lose again!
Ross: (to Phoebe) While she抯 been going through this hell, you抳e been making money?! Betting on your friend staying in this misery?
Rachel: I抣l take that bet.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: I抦 miserable here. I might as well make some money out of it.
Ross: Can I get some of that action?
Monica: Wait a minute, so now I抦 betting against all three of you?
Rachel: Monica, I really feel like tomorrow is the day.
Monica: Oh, ok!
(Rachel mouths to Ross and Phoebe, no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Sleeping Beauty!
Chandler: Where have you been? I tried to call you. I have to talk to you.
Joey: Aw, are you upset? Did you lose sleep?
Chandler: I抦 so sorry.
Joey: Uh uh. The only reason I came over here is to settle things between us. You抳e done a lot for my career and I wanted to pay you back, by taking you to the premiere, but you missed it!! Ok, so how much do I owe you?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Give me a number or I don抰 owe you anything.
Chandler: You don抰 owe me anything and I don抰 want you to -
Joey: Ahahahah, we抮e doing this. Now, you got me my first set of headshots. How much were those?
Chandler: Uh, I don抰 know. $500.
Joey: Ok, 500. What else?
Chandler: Well, I got you the second set because the first set were the booger headshots.
Joey: Ok, so that抯 another 500. That抯 500 plus 500, so that抯...
(He ponders that math problem for a moment.)
Chandler: Do you want me to get you a calculator?
Joey: Please.
(Chandler hands him one.)
Chandler: Here.
(Joey punches it in and laughs.)
Joey: What else?
Chandler: Uh, acting classes, stage combat classes, tap dancing classes.
Joey: We抮e keeping that under our hats.
Chandler: And then there was that dialect coach who was helping you for the play where you needed a southern accent. After twenty hours of lessons, it still came out Jamaican.
Joey: What the hell are you talking about? (bad Jamaican accent) The south will rise again, man!
Chandler: Yes, money well spent.
Joey: Yeah. (types that in) Ok, what else? Rent!
Chandler: Two, three years of rent, utilities, food.
Joey: Ok. (tap) Ok. (tap) Ok. (tap tap tap) So I抦 writing you a check for...So, you fell asleep during my movie... Big deal, right? How do you clear this thing?
(He hits a button several times.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. They抮e eating spicy food.]
Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada.
Rachel: Ross, we tried all the spicy food. It抯 not working.
Ross: Try one of these peppers. (he gives it to Rachel, who eats it with no problem) Oh, so hot. Hot... Oh... (rubs eyes) By the way, you don抰 wanna touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
Rachel: I抦 feeling nothing.
Ross: Oh...oh...
Rachel: Speaking of hot, watching you do that, really makes me wanna have sex with you.
Ross: Stop it.
Rachel: Come on. Ross, why are we wasting any time with all this other stuff? We know it抯 going to work! It抯 doctor recommended.
Ross: I抦 sorry, but we have to have some boundaries. My God, I抦 dying.
Rachel: Come on, Ross, we抳e done it before, we can do it again. It抣l be a nice way to close the pregnancy!
Ross: This isn抰 sane. I抦 not going to make love to you just so you抣l go into labor.
Rachel: Make love, what are you, a girl?
Ross: Always a great way to get into a man抯 pants.
Rachel: You will be performing a service. Just think of me as a ketchup bottle, you know? You bang on the end of it just to get something to come out?
Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.
Rachel: Uh, I know it, you抮e right. That抯 not sexy. (drops fork) Oh, whoops, I seem to have dropped my fort. Let me just bend over and get it. (bends over with great difficulty) Oh! Oh God!!
Ross: Are you ok? This is, this is never going to happen.
Rachel: Oh, come on, Ross. I抦 miserable here! You started this, now you finish it!! Come on, wuss, make love to me.
Ross: You know what?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Forget it.
Rachel: Oh, whoa, what, Ross, you抮e not going to [???]? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, know. (snores) I mean, you抎 think the damn jalapeno would have cleared up your sinuses, but nooo. That抯 not enough. (He suddenly grabs her and kisses her) Hey!
Ross: I抣l get that baby out of you!!!
(They commence kissing.)
Rachel: Oh God...
Ross: I know.
Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. I think my water just broke.
Ross: I am good! Ok, I抣l tell you what.
Rachel: Ok, ok.
Ross: I抳e got the pillow. (grabs one off a chair) I抳e got the bag. (grabs it off the floor) You got the keys?
Rachel: I抳e got the keys. Ok, ok. Oh.
(They smile and hold hands.)
Ross: We抮e having a baby.
(They hug and kiss.)
Rachel: I didn抰 really have time to read this part of the book, but do you think we have time to -
Ross: Not so much.
(He opens the door.)
Rachel: Ok.
(They leave.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯 kitchen. Monica and Phoebe sit there. Monica is paying Phoebe.]
Monica: Two hundred.
Phoebe: Thank you.
Monica: That抯 it. I don抰 care when the baby comes. No more betting. (phone rings) Hello? (listens) Uh huh. (listens) Uh huh. (listens) Ok! (hangs up) I guess we could bet one more time.
Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby?
Monica: How did you know that?!!! (calls across the hall) Joey, Chandler, it抯 time!!
Phoebe: They抮e at the coffee house.
Monica: You know everything!! (grabs her stuff) Double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds...I bet you it has hair! I bet you it抯 a girl!
Phoebe: We know it抯 a girl.
Monica: I抣l give you really good odds.
End
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