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The One Where Emma Cries
WRITTEN BY : Dana Klein Borkow
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Scene: (Continues from The One Where No One Proposes - Ross is still next to Rachel)
Ross: You said you'd marry Joey?
Rachel: Ok you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married?(Long Pause) Im not helping.
Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?
Rachel: that is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give them mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.
Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again you were engaged to my best friend.
Rachel: well (looks at Ross weird) really, I thought Chandler was your best friend.
Ross: (in a awkward position) well Chandlers my oldest friend, but Joey's my NO! A A A! (points at Rachel)
Rachel: ooooo!
Joey: (enters) hey im gonna take off I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye.
Ross: Rachel said she'd marry you!
Joey: (looks around the room) this isnt the right room sorry folks. (leaves)
(Opening Credits)
Scene: (Monica, Phoebe, Joey & Chandler are at Ross & Rachel's waiting for them to come home)
Monica: ok I don't wanna be negative so ill say that most of the signs you bought are good.
Phoebe: no they ran out of it's a girl (the sign says "It's a boy") but I can fix this one, (she writes "not" in between its and a) See.
Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) so sexy. Honey.
Chandler: yea yea. (pulls the balloon out of his mouth)
Monica: honey why don't you go lie down.
Chandler: no no Ross & Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (pulls a balloon out of his mouth) am I producing them?
Joey: why're you so tired?
Chandler: couldn't sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn't sleep, you know I was like if I fall asleep now ill get six hours sleep, but If I fall asleep now ill get 5 hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn't fall asleep.
Joey: you know what you should've done, you should have told yourself that little story
Rachel: (enters with Emma) hi
Everyone: Hi, welcome home.
Monica: Phoebe did the signs.
Rachel: oh you guys thanks for doing this.
Phoebe: look at all the stuff people sent
Rachel: oh AH! (see's a big gorilla teddy) oh my gosh there's something every mother needs a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment what are people think?(reads the card) oh you guys I love it.
Joey: hey so where's Ross?
Rachel: he's downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Joey: is he still mad at us?
Rachel: well you more then me, but he cant stay to mad at me I mean I just had his baby.
Joey: that's not fair I cant do that.
Rachel: yea im not too sure you should be here when he comes up.
Joey: see this is what I was afraid of, I didn't think I should be here either but somebody (looks at Chandler) said he'd be over it by now.
Chandler: hey what do I know I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
Scene: (Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting)
Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago & London. Are consistently solid but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.
-Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back up.
Ms. McKenna: Boston is down Atlanta Houston is down I could go on and on but instead of boring you ill go straight to my forty two point plan.
-Chandler leans over to the man next to him drifting off yet again, realizing he gets back up
Chandler: Walter (nods)
Scene: (Phoebe Monica Rachel & Ross at the apartment)
Phoebe: She's just so cute I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a peter pocket.
Ross: (comes out from the back room) ok I put most of the stuff away.
Rachel: oh great the pas fires?
Ross: its in the closet
Rachel: the burping clogs?
Ross: linen closet
Rachel: The dippers?
Ross: in the hospital.
Phoebe: wow you guys gotta hospital fancy!
Ross: no I left the dippers at the hospital there's some in the bag but ill run out and get some more.
Rachel: alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin
Ross: sure what kind?
Rachel: umm let me think what'do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t
Ross: please take your time its an important decision not like say I know deciding to marry someone this is about a muffin (opens his eyes and acts like its serious)
Rachel: blue berry
Ross: blue berry it is
Rachel: thanks
Monica: wow he really not letting this go is he?
Rachel: god how long do you think that's gonna last
Phoebe: I dunno well he got over the we were on a break thing really quickly
Rachel: you know what I cant even worry about that right now, cause I got the cuttie little baby, oh I cant believe how much I love her, I cant get enough of her, like right now I miss her I actually miss her.
Phoebe: you know that's?that's her.
Rachel: oh god look at her sleeping, oh I love her so much, oh I think im gonna wake her up.
Phoebe: oh know Rach no no you know your never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
Rachel: what I can do whatever I want, I made her, come on little girl, hi
-Emma starts crying
Phoebe: I don't wanna say I told you so but shes kinda doing that for me.
Rachel: oh im sorry mummy's so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep shh shhh! Go back to sleep
-Emma continues crying in the background
Monica: breaks your heart doesn't it
Phoebe: it really does?how long do you think we have to stay.
Scene: (Chandlers meeting continues)
Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyone's on board its settled, Chandler, (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?
Chandler: yep
Ms. McKenna: are you on board?
Chandler: (not knowing what his saying yes to) yes
Ms. McKenna: Then problem solved Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa your gonna love Oklahoma.
-Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what his agreed to.
Scene: (Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica & Phoebe try different methods)
Phoebe: well alright we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe.
Monica: alright here's something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
Rachel: ok (starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)
Monica: it worked!
Rachel: Oh (happy) oh know just stopped threw up a little bit (She starts crying again) oh come on what am I gonna do its been hours and it wont stop crying.
Monica: Umm she rach not it she.
Rachel: yea im not so sure
Monica: oh my god I am losing my mind
Phoebe: yea no kidding this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross.
Scene: (Ross in central perk getting Rachel her muffin)
Ross: hey gunther can I get a couple of blue berry muffins to go (he puts a bag with dippers in it on the counter)
Gunther: dippers huh
Ross: yep
Gunther: so I guess Rachel had you baby
Ross: yep can you believe it
Gunther: nope I still cant believe she slept with you in the first place
Ross: huh? Ooh (laughs) you mean like a?Huh?
Joey: (enter central perk) hey. (smiles, Ross just ignores him and turns back round), Ross I know your pissed at me but we have to talk about this, ah actually we don't, (Ross walks off) fine, fine ok but I gotta say technically I didn't even do anything wrong.
Ross: (turns back) what (angry) you didn't do anything wrong.
Joey: I said I didn't technically
Ross: ok lets put aside that you "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel
Joey: look can I just stop you right there for a second when people do this " " (the two fingers on each hand) I don't really know what that means, (Ross just looks at him) you were saying.
Ross: and I can even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't you tell me huh you had all day to and you didn't.
Joey: I know I should've "im sorry" (he really is sorry but his using it in the wrong way)
Ross: not using it right joe.
(He brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again)
Ross: im gonna go
Joey: no come on Ross (he grabs his bag so he cant leave), look Ross we have to get passed this
Ross: give me the bag
Joey: no look I don't know what else to do I said im sorry
Ross: Joey!
Joey: you should scream at me or hit me
Ross: im not gonna hit you
Joey: why not, you'll feel better I'll feel better, and I know you want to I can see it in your eyes
Ross: no I don't
Joey: a little bit
Ross: no
Joey: little bit
Ross: No!
Joey: (excited) a little bit more.
Ross: Give me the bag
Joey: no hit me
Ross: give me the bag
Joey: hit me
Ross: Joey give me the bag
Joey: hit me!
Ross: joe im not kidding?
Joey: (interrupting) hit me, hit me
Ross: No!
Joey: (shouts) HIT ME! HIT ME!
(Ross goes crazy and goes to punch him but Joey gets out the way and he punch's his hand against the poll, Note* the audience scream like crazy! - Ross then screams from the pain and turns to Gunther and Gunther has a huge smile on his face.)
Ross: YOU DUCKED!!
Joey: IM SORRY! IT WAS A REFLEX
Ross: OH MY GOD THIS, THIS REALLY HURTS!!
Joey: I COULDN'T HELP IT, when a fist comes at your face YOU DUCK! Look (He goes to punch Ross expecting him to duck but he doesn't and he punches him in the eye, the audience go crazy again, Gunther looks very happy at the counter watching)
Ross: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!!!!
Joey: YOU WAS SUPPOSED TO DUCK!!! Why didn't you duck?
Ross: why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital
Joey: good good yea, (grabs the bags) maybe while were there they can check your reflex's (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face, the audience go wild again) "Oops" (They walk out, the central perk door shuts and the audience shout and scream and applaud as the scene fades to black)
(Commercial Break)
Scene: (Emma is still crying)
Monica: try feeding her again
Rachel: I already fed her.
Monica: I know, that's why I said again!
Phoebe: alright you guys we cant turn on each other, that's just what she wants.
Chandler: (enters) hey
Monica: hey
Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute
Rachel: oh know you guys just stay here, im gonna go check her dipper, pheebs you wanna come
Phoebe: oh im kinda part of this.
Chandler: actually pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing
Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler.
(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the background while Chandler and Monica talk)
Monica: ok whats up
Chandler: ok umm you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year you know you could study french cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the sand and go wine tasting in bordo.
Monica: oh yea (smiles)
Chandler: ok you know that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma
Monica: what who says that?
Chandler: people who ever never been to Paris
Monica: whats going on?
Chandler: were moving to Tulsa (makes a excited expression on his face)
Monica: excuse me?
Chandler: ok Ms. McKenna she kind of work above my boss she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there and I was sleeping and apparently said yes.
Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa Oklahoma
Chandler: The sooner state, what ever that is
Monica: Chandler I don't even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
Chandler: really oh what a beautiful morning staring with a fringe on top
Monica: are you trying to tell me that were moving to Oklahoma or that your gay, alright not that this matters but did they at least offer you a huge raise
Chandler: no no but they are going to lease us a ford focus, (Monica's not impressed) ill get out of it
Monica: thank you.
Chandler: (hears Emma crying finally) What is wrong with Emma
Monica: oh she misunderstood she thought she was moving to Tulsa.
Scene: (Chandler goes to see Ms. McKenna)
Chandler: umm mam do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: it's a funny story actually (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said id move to Tulsa I didn't really know what I was saying
Ms. McKenna: you fell asleep?
Chandler: but only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, aint that funny, irony not a fan alright (he sits down) see heres the thing I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she wont go see me I love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven, Tulsa is Italy please don't make me go there.
Ms. McKenna: Chandler I?
Chandler: no no no! look Carol can I call you Carol?(pause) why would I when your name is Ellane, oh what a great picture of your son, strapping (pause) that's a picture of your daughter isnt it, well shes lovely I like a girl with a strong jaw. I call you from Tulsa
Scene: (Ross is at the hospital with Joey)
Joey: hey so how is it?
Ross: I broke my thumb
Joey: your thumb, that's weird you sure your punching right make a fist, (Ross just looks at him) maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Ross: you know what you can go I just have to fill out some forms (trys to hold the pen but cant)
Joey: you, you want me to help you with that
Ross: why does it look like im having trouble with my misshapen claw. (hands Joey the form)
Joey: Name? (pause) I know Ross but what's it short for? You know like, like Rossle or Rosstepher
Ross: just Ross
Joey: its pretty, ok date of birth
Ross: you know my birthday
Joey: sure maytember
Ross: October 18th
Joey: occupation? Dinosaurs
Ross: actually im a palian?Dinosaurs is fine?the drawing is not
Joey: alright a who do you want as your emergency contact?
Ross: ah Rachel I guess
Joey: ok relationship, boy this could take a while.
Ross: just ah?just put roommate
Joey: come on you guys are more then that I mean your gonna get together right
Ross: I don't think that we are
Joey: but you too were supposed to be together
Ross: well I thought so too then she said she'd marry you
Joey: come on Ross that didn't mean anything she just had the baby she was all freaked out about doing it alone she would have said yes to anybody
Ross: yea that's what she said
Joey: so
Ross: so I don't wanna be just anybody
Joey: wow
Ross: you know what its, its better this way anyway, I mean I don't know what I was thinking going down that road again with us its just much easier if were just friends who have a kid
Joey: really?
Ross: yea
Joey: and your ok with that?
Ross: yes I mean its what we always planned, and if you have a plan, you should stick to it, that's why they call them plans, hello, (pause) im fine.
Joey: hey for what its worth with Rachel I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody"
Ross: hey their you go! (smiles because Joey used it correctly)
Joey: "thanks"
(Ross looks away not bothering)
Scene: (Emma continues to cry)
Rachel: Oh My God! How long has she been crying?
Monica: about a week and a half
Phoebe: well alright looks like you guys have got it under control so im just gonna go (She gets up and Rachel looks at her upset and Monica just stares) No! misery really does love company ALRIGHT! (she sits back down)
Monica: Rach try holding her a different way
Rachel: you guys im doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try
Phoebe: alright ill try fine! Yes ok!
Rachel: here you go (hands Emma to Phoebe)
Phoebe: shh! NOTHING WORKS WITH THIS CHILD!! (Hands her back after 2 seconds)
Rachel: oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I cant even comfort my own baby im the worst mother ever
Monica: your just new at this it'll get better, think about your first day at work I mean that couldn't have been easy but you figured that out
Rachel: yea I don't think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her.
Monica: ok ill take her, here (takes Emma)
Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom (goes to the bathroom)
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow (goes to scream into a pillow)
Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby Bouncy baby Ooh baby baby Ooh baby baby Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)
Phoebe: (comes back into the room) Have I gone deaf?
Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby OOH BABY BABY BABY!
Phoebe: you must be a fireball in bed
Monica: I cant believe it, shes asleep, I got her to go to sleep, I have actual magical powers
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds, I can hear the voice in my head again (Monica looks at her strangely) im kidding (she smiles at something the voice in her head says to her and sits down)
Rachel: Oh My God! You got her to stop crying
Monica: yes I did, I'm Monica super aunt
Rachel: you are the official baby crier stopper
Monica: yes I am!!
Rachel: your never leaving the apartment
Monica: say what?
Rachel: that's your new job, day and night she starts crying I need you here
Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!
Phoebe: Thankfully you don't need me at all (gets up and to leave) so ok super aunt see you later Rachel lets give it six to eight months (she leaves)
Rachel: ok so listen im gonna go lay down
Monica: What?
Rachel: you know the book says that whenever shes sleeping I should be sleeping so?(she does thumbs up to Monica and goes to lay down)
Chandler: (enters) hey
Monica: shhh! We just got her to go to sleep
Chandler: oh so there cant be any yelling
Monica: No!
Chandler: were moving to Tulsa
Monica: WHAT!
Chandler: shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (walks backwards towards the door) I cant, I cant hear you he runs out)
Scene: (Ross finally comes home)
Ross: hey
Rachel: heeeeey, where have you been? (he shows her his thumb) what happened to you?
Ross: ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him
Rachel: oh know Ross! This is not good we have to talk about this Joey thing please sit (he sits) you have got to get over this Joey thing ok I never really wanted to marry Joey ok?
Ross: ok
Rachel: you know what I really really want?
Ross: what Rach?
Rachel: I wanna sleep I wanna eat I wanna take a shower I mean before she wakes up we gotta do this all over again.
Ross: (smiles) right
Rachel: I mean I got news for you Mr, Emma not easy
Ross: well, that's what im here for (Emma starts crying again) want me to get that?
Rachel: no its really ok?Monica!
Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got It! Got It! Got It! Got It! Got It! Got It!
Scene: (Joey, Ross and Chandler comes into Central-Perk)
Joey: you know ah Ive been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, its not my fault it's a natural instinct
Chandler: (enters) hey what you guys talking about?
Joey: hey ok great what would you do if I did this (swings to punch Chandler, he moves and he ends up punching Ross, Ross then gets up and just stares at Joey)
End
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