I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing!

(he uses his remote to turn on the music, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, and starts dancing for Phoebe. He shakes his butt, moves his shoulders back, grabs his crotch and hops towards Phoebe. Phoebe is half horrified and half scared. He takes his hat off and throws it away, does some "Can Can" high kicks and swings his butt in front of Phoebe who looks at it in disgust. Then he tears open his shirt and shows her his chest and she flinches.)

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa (he turn off the music) . She cringed!

Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on!

Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time!

Phoebe: Shocking!

Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way!

Phoebe: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding?

Rachel: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book!

Phoebe: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything!

Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time!

Phoebe: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this.

Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper)

Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath (points at his groin) ... is all man.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man?

Roy: (making a crying face) Oh, you're mean!

Monica: (walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir...

Roy: Damnit. OH! (To Phoebe) Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings!

[Scene: At Pyramid. Joey is with the woman now.]

Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Joey: (To Henrietta) My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! (makes a thumbs up sign)

Donny: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. (Joey goes form looking very confident to looking very shocked the instant the word congress is said) Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go!

(Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen)

Joey: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. (Next word: "Rotunda") Pass. (Next word: "Filibuster" stares at it a moment) Pass. (Henrietta is looking very confused) (Next word: "Addendum" 4 seconds remaining) Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat.

Henrietta: Uvula!

Joey: Oh, then pass. (Next word: "Joint session", but time's up, Joey acts very disappointed)

Donny: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! (Gene is clapping his hands looking very happy and so is Joey) And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani (Both of their smiles fade away instantly)

[Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys.]

Ross: (To Chandler) You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me?

(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)

Chandler: (to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them) . That didn't make us sound gay at all!

Ross: You broke the pact!

Chandler: Ross, that was 16 years ago!

Ross: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship.

Chandler: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.

Ross: I didn't.

Chandler: Oh really?

Ross: No.

Chandler: Oh really!?

Ross: NO!

Chandler: ADRIENNE TURNER!! (A girl behind them turns around)

Adrienne: Yes?

Chandler and Ross: Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her)

Ross: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner.

Chandler: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her.

Ross: I don't know what... you're talking about.

Chandler: Really?

[Flashback scene: 80's College party.]

Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors.

(An 80's Rachel and fat Monica walk into the party room. Both with funny hairdos and clothes)

Monica: I can't believe we are at a real college party! (Rachel laughs excitedly) I have to pee so bad!

Rachel: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute!

Monica: Hey, you've got a boyfriend!

Rachel: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! (They spot Chandler)

Monica: Look, there's Chandler, you know, that stupid friend of Ross' who said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds!

Rachel: It... You can so totally tell.

Monica: I KNOW!

Rachel: Well let's see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails) .

Chandler: Aren't you...?

Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do) .

Chandler: (smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?

Rachel: Bitchin'

Chandler: Hi Monica.

Monica: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you (rolls her eyes) NOT. (she and Rachel giggle a little and Chandler looks unimpressed)

Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)

Monica: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs.

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days.

(Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine)

Ross: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this.

Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this.

Ross: Cool! (They start kissing again and Chandler looks shocked)

[Scene: We cut back to the present. The reunion where Chandler and Ross are talking.]

Ross: I didn't know you knew about that.

Chandler: Well, I did and it hurt. (they walk towards the bar) That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room".

Ross: (looks disappointed in himself) Man... I... I'm sorry.

Chandler: Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago.

Ross: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even.

Chandler: (smiling a little nervously) Hmm mmmhm..

Ross: We are even, right?

Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?

Ross: (thinks about it for a few seconds) What did you do to my mom?

Chandler: Not her!

[Flashback scene: We cut back to the 80's party. Rachel and Monica are "dancing".]

Rachel: I am sooo drunk.

Monica: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. (Chandler approaches)

Chandler: Soo... you girls having fun?

Monica: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. (A guy enters holding a pizza box)

Pizza guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA?

Monica: Oh THATS ME! (she runs to the pizza guy)

Rachel: (finishing the last of her drink) I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow.

Chandler: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now?

Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship.

Rachel: (blushing) Oh, what a line. (walks towards the drinks table with her back towards Chandler and whispers "Oh my God!")

Chandler: So where are you applying to?

Rachel: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... (Chandler leans in an kisses her) (She pulls away) Hey!

Chandler: I'm in college and I'm in a band.

Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again)

[Scene: Monica's apartment. The stripper is sitting at the kitchen table. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are standing around him]

Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before?

Phoebe: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.

Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know.

Rachel: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have?

Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame.

Rachel: So maybe something in an office.

Phoebe: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch.

Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind.

Phoebe: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay?

Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it.

Phoebe: (after a pause) Finish it!

Roy: What?

Phoebe: Your last dance. Do it for us.

Roy: Really?

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Really?

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time.

Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies!

(they sit down and Roy plays "You Make Me Feel" by Sylvester on his boom box, and starts... With his back towards the girls, he starts waving his hands, then backs towards the girls slapping his butt, then swings it around, and makes thrusting pelvic movements in front of Phoebe. He dances around the tables in between all the girls, and gets back into the kitchen part of the room. He then tears off one of his sleeves and throws it towards Monica and Rachel, who fight over who gets it. He then tears off his other sleeve and moves it back and forth between his legs, getting closer to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot!

(Roy then sits on Phoebe's lap, looking exhausted)

Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, don't stop!

Roy: (out of breath) Have to...

[Scene: The game show studio. Joey and Gene are sitting in the winner circle.]

Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready?

Joey: (nervously) Yeah...

Gene: (irritable) Sure. (Joey gets even more nervous)

Donny: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! (runs off)

(the screen says "6 to win" and "types of trees")

Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch...

Joey: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees?

(Joey hears the bell which means his answer is correct and is surprised. The screen now says "5 to win" and "Spanish words")

Gene: Uhm... Buenos días, enchilada, por favor...

Joey: (sympathetic) Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words.

(There's the next bell, and the correct answer. The screen changes to "4 to win" and "things that burn". Gene now realizes that he got two correct answers and gets up in his seat.)

Gene: A match, a candle...

Joey: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out.

Gene: A torch, a bonfire... (Joey seems lost) uhm, your pee...

Joey: Things that burn.

(and another bell for the correct answer. "3 to win" and "What a dog might say")

Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly".

Joey: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it.

Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark".

Joey: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says.

(the bell sounds again, "2 to win" and "pizza toppings")

Gene: Pepperoni...

Joey: (instantly) Pizza toppings, next!

(there's 10 seconds left, "1 to win" and "Supermodels")

Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer...

Joey: Oh, oh, oh... (5 seconds left)

Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss...

Joey: Girls Chandler could never get?

Gene: (irritated) Supermodels!

Joey: Where? (looking around)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's there and Ross and Chandler walk in.]

Ross: Hey, where's Rachel?

Monica: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital.

Ross: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?

Monica: What? When was this?

Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school.

Monica: Oh my God! That's wild!

Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.

Ross: Well, it matters to me.

Chandler: Why?

Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time.

Chandler: You kissed her that night too?

Monica: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.

Chandler: Seriously, where did this happen?

Ross: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples' coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first.

Chandler: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on?

Ross: Mine.

Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.

Ross: No, she was definitely on my bed.

Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?

Ross: Well, then who was on my bed?

Monica: (screeching) OH! Oh, oh! (holding her hand in front of her mouth)

Ross: (realizing) NO! No, no!

Monica: YES! (Chandler gets an "oh no!" look on his face)

Ross: You were under the pile of coats?

Monica: I was the pile of coats!

Ross: OH MY GOD!

Monica: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser?

Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?

Monica: You were my first kiss ever?

Chandler: What did I marry into?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Back at the party in 1987. People are dancing to "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps.]

(Monica is dancing. At first she seems insecure and moves slowly, but then gets into the groove and swings her hips from side to side while holding her hands up. She then eats the last piece of pizza she was holding and again moves her hips from side to side, pushing her hands in the air in beat with the music. Her moves get more wildly while she's snapping her fingers. She loses balance and falls back onto a pink bean bag.)

Monica: Oh, crap!

THE END