这听起来可能有些奇怪

　　but it's really a genetic flaw that makes us go into show business但让我们进入脱口秀行当的确实是一种遗传缺陷I mean, what normal people want to stand on the stage, have vegetables thrown on them哪会有正常人想要站在台上 等别人朝他脸上扔蔬菜They don't

　　没人想这样

　　I read somewhere that most people's greatest fear is having to speak in public我听说 很多人最害怕的就是在公众面前讲话

　　They frighten to death of it

　　他们害怕得要死

　　We are fortunate to live in an age when it obviously paid huge dividends我们很幸运 能够活在一个讲笑话能发财的时代If this was ancient Rome

　　如果是在古罗马

　　and Caesar said why are all those soldiers laughing凯撒说 那些士兵在笑什么

　　Well, that guy is entertaining them

　　有个人在讲笑话

　　Really? Kill him

　　真的吗 杀了他

　　Number 12, you can never make it too late, you can only make it too soon第12点 成功永远没有太晚 只有太早

　　You know, show business is like golf. If you play it right you can do it to your 80s脱口秀行当就像打高尔夫球 80岁都能打

　　When you start out in show business, I know开始进入脱口秀行当后

　　hours are days, days are weeks, weeks are years我开始觉得有些度日如年

　　I thought I was the oldest guy

　　我觉得我很老了

　　I thought I was the last guy ever do this night show我觉得我是搞夜间秀的最后一个人

　　I was only 27 years old

　　其实我只有27岁

　　But then we get to the age the whole things turn us around之后一切都反过来了

　　and years are weeks, and weeks are days, and days are hours我开始觉得度年如日

　　So it kind of changed

　　这会发生变化

　　Number 13

　　第13点

　　If you can't get in front door, go through back door如果前门进不来 那就进后门

　　You know, for years, I couldn't get to Tonight Show我有很多年都没能进入今夜秀

　　I auditioned, I auditioned, I just couldn't get it我试演过很多次 但就是不行

　　You know why? I wasn't good enough

　　知道为什么吗 因为我不够好

　　Nothing personal, I wasn't good enough

　　没什么别的问题 就是不够好

　　So I did every second-rate cable bad talk show I could get my hands on于是我接了很多能够接手的二线有线电视脱口秀until I was good enough

　　直到我变得足够好

　　Don't pout and be a hole like I was when I couldn't pass a drama audition在通不过喜剧试演时不要自暴自弃

　　Keep trying

　　继续努力

　　Number 14, you can only live in the time you live in第14点 你只能生活在你所生活的时代

　　I had a young comedian come up one time and he said曾经有个年轻喜剧演员跑来跟我说

　　you guys all came up during the golden age of comedy when it was easier你们这些人都生活在喜剧的黄金年代 这让你们很容易成功So what are you advocating? Time travel? Shut up your mouth你想说什么 时间旅行吗 闭上你的嘴