Voice from the past

 

 

It was the kind of voice that you never forget. Deep. Warm. Melodic. Soothing, yet with a hint of laughter hidden in those depths. The kind of voice that sends a pulse racing.

 

And that’s exactly the effect it had when I heard it again, after five years. But then, it always had.

 

My first serious love. But dreams don’t last, do they?

 

It was early evening when the phone rang. I was sitting outside, breathing in the scent of roses and lavender1). A fragrant mixture that always calmed me at the end of a long day. “Katy？”His voice. Just as it used to be. For a moment, I couldn’t reply, and when I did it was only a whisper. “Ben?”I could imagine his smile. That wide mouth tilting2). The corners of his eyes crinkling. The deep cleft in his cheek he refused to call a dimple. “You remember me, then？”I laughed softly. “Oh yes, Ben. I remember you. ”And love you, I wanted to add. “Despite. . . ”He paused. “Where are you？”I asked him, trying to recognise the background noise. “Gatwick. Just landed. Can we meet up, Katy？”He was here in England. So close. But to meet？No. Not now. Not ever. “Please, Katy. ”The sheer desperation in his words throbbed right through me twisting my heart. My teeth bit into my lips, trying to steady them enough to reply. “No, Ben. ”Silence hung between us. I remembered the pain in his eyes the last time we‘d met. The way they had changed from blue to slate3). Lifeless and dead. All laughter gone. Were they like that now？

 

“Ben？”There was a rustle of sound. The cuff4) of his jacket maybe, brushing the receiver. “I’m still here. ”His voice was flat, toneless. The way I’d heard it once before. “And I’m determined to see you, whatever you may say, this time. I need you, Katy. ”Oh, Ben, if you only knew. I wanted desperately to be with you again. To touch your face, your hair. Feel your warm kiss. Memories ached through me. “I love you, Katy. I always have. Always will. ”And I love you. The words beat in my brain, but I couldn’t let them loose. If I did. . . “I’ll be there in an hour. ”“No, Ben. You mustn’t. ”The phone had already clicked down, leaving a faint buzz. I sat, the receiver pressed against my ear, listening to the noise. Willing Ben’s voice to continue. It was over. It had to be. I‘d made that decision five years before.

 

Five years. Was that all it was？It see med so long ago now. Until then, everything had been good. Too good. We‘d met at a TV comedy show. You know the sort--where there’s a live audience. The girl I shared an office with had tickets, but at the last minute her boyfriend went down with a tummy5) bug, so she asked me instead. Ben was in the seat next to mine. The show was so hilarious6) that I lost one of my contact lenses with all the laughing. Panic. Then Ben produced one of those mini torches7) and found it on my sleeve.

 

After the show, we went to a coffee bar. A year later, we were still together――and then everything went wrong. Promotion in his job meant that Ben had to work abroad. At first, it was just for a week or two at a time. I dreaded him being away. I found it really scary in the flat without him. I started getting tense headaches. Wearing my contact lenses seemed to make them worse. I decided to have them checked. They were like a good-luck charm to me. Without them, I‘d never have met Ben. Then――the bombshell. A new contract in Finland meant that Ben was to work there until it was completed. “It could take several years, Katy. We’ll get married straight away so you can come with me. ”“No. ”“But it’s the only way. . . ”“I’m not coming with you, Ben. I’ve been trying to tell you for a while now. . . It’s over between us. And this is an ideal opportunity to end it. ”I hated the expression on his face. Stunned. All colour draining away. It was as though I‘d sliced into him with a knife. Nothing he said could change my mind. It had to be this way.

 

And now he was back here in England again, coming to see me. I couldn’t let that happen. All I had to do was not open the door. The bell almost shattered my jangled nerves. Then the rattle on the knocker. I sat, fingers taut round the arms of the wooden seat, trying to breathe in the balm of roses and lavender. I heard the click of the garden gate, then his voice close beside me. Deep. Melodious8). Soothing. Gentle.

 

“Katy, why didn’t you tell me？All this time. If I’d only known, I would never have gone away. ”His kiss was warm as his lips brushed against my cheek. Slowly, I reached up, tracing the outline of his face. Touching the softness of his hair. Remembering. Wishing desperately that I could see him again. “Oh, Katy, Katy. This was the reason？You knew？”“It wouldn’t have been fair. I loved you too much. . . ”His lips halted my words. “And doubted that I could love you enough if you were blind？Oh, Katy.”

 

All I would ever know now was his voice. A voice that revealed so much――his love, his understanding, his strength.

 

I didn’t need to see his expression. All I had to do was listen.