and part of me doesn’t want to beat up somebody who’s taped to a tree.

　Jason is bright red. It contrasts nicely with the gray duct tape.

　“Oh,” says Clare. “You know, I think that’s enough.”

　I am relieved. So of course I say, “You sure? I mean there are all sorts of things I could do. Break his eardrums? Nose? Oh, wait, he’s already broken it once himself. We could cut his Achilles’ tendons. He wouldn’t be playing football in the near future.”

　“No!” Jason strains against the tape.

　“Apologize, then,” I tell him.

　Jason hesitates. “Sorry.”

　“That’s pretty pathetic—”

　“I know,” Clare says. She fishes around in her purse and finds a Magic Marker. She walks up to Jason as though he is a dangerous zoo animal, and begins to write on his duct-taped chest. When she’s done, she stands back and caps her marker. She’s written an account of their date. She sticks the marker back in her purse and says, “Let’s go.”

　“You know, we can’t just leave him. He might have another asthma attack.”

　“Hmm. Okay, I know. I’ll call some people.”

　“Wait a minute,” says Jason.

　“What?” says Clare.

　“Who are you calling? Call Rob.”

　Clare laughs. “Uh-uh. I’m going to call every girl I know.”

　I walk over to Jason and place the muzzle of the gun under his chin. “If you mention my existence to one human and I find out about it I will come back and I will devastate you. You won’t be able to walk, talk, eat, or fuck when I’m done. As far as you know, Clare is a nice girl who for some inexplicable reason doesn’t date. Right?”

　Jason looks at me with hatred. “Right.”

　“We’ve dealt with you very leniently, here. If you hassle Clare again in any way you will be sorry.”

　“Okay.”

　“Good.” I place the gun back in my pocket. “It’s been fun.”