访谈录 Interview 2007-05-03&05, 什么导致高离婚率？（在线收听）

This morning on The Doctors Are In, struggling marriages, young couples today has a 40 percent chance of getting divorced. When the going gets tough, why do so many people get going? Dr Gail Salts is a psychiatrist and Today contributor, and Dr Drew Pinsky is a relationship expert and host of the radio show "loveline"

Hey, folks, good to have you back.

Good morning, thanks.

40 percent of people get divorced, but we know there are a lot other people living in marriages and they are struggling and they are thinking of themselves, is it worth saving this? Is the bottom line if you're even thinking that, then it's probably worth the effort?

I would say, yes, however there are few caveats: physical abuse, serious emotional abuse that means consistent social isolation and constant criticism that's really toxic.

I sort of think of it as an unwillingness to change and be part of the partner, There is toxic issue going on, there is sex abuse, or even, even sometimes psychiatric symptom (That's right) that people are unwilling to get treatment for it. Not enough has made it the fact that that individual, if they are willing to change, and does get appropriate treatment, things can be worked out very well.

You talked about disdain, (yes) if there is disdain for one partner by the other, (yes) that marriage is too far down the track, isn't it?

You know what, generally speaking, my, my experience, my (you could be contempt though, if contempt is as good as the same as disdain) disdain and contempt are so toxic and so difficult to manage, even if you come into treatment, that’s been my experience, that usually you are kinda at the end of the road there.

And that can’t be, because there is something called irreconcilable differences.

Those talk about this, (Yeah) a lot, you know, in a lot of states that's what people put down (sure) as a reason to get divorced. It’s, it's less severe than abuse, it's certainly less severe than infidelity, is it real, is it OK?

You know, I, I would tell you that basically you're never marrying your clone, of course, there are gonna be differences. Our expectations are reconciled? (nobody says irreconcilable differences), or isn't that a judgment call, you could say, I think it's (but to me, again, that's an unwillingness to change again) yes. 'cause they are irreconcilable because neither person is willing to give a little bit, and the fact is when that marriage fails, people are just likely to go recreate the same exact relationship in the second marriage.

Ok, but, but irreconcilable differences, you, you are assuming these people haven't come up with these after two weeks ( right), they probably come up to them after these with 3 years, 4 years,8 years, so why isn't it legitimate.

It is legitimate.

It’s a legitimate feeling but you are weighing against other things, the benefits of staying married which are physical health, emotional health, (the children's health), the children's longevity..., their physical health, emotional, their ability to stand in a relationship longer.

What about the idea that life isn't a dress rehearsal, and you hear lot of people say, (yes) if you can’t find happiness in this relationship, (yes) find it somewhere else.

And that's what I would say to them that the likelihood that they would be happy in the next marriage is definitely no better. (Then this one and..) It has to be with the person, personal happiness and the ability to work on that unchanged.

That is a fact that we don’t take commitment that, we take it too lightly, It’s always wrong to take commitment lightly, but we make a, we make a solemn vow in front of God and everybody, and we think well, you know, things are kind of going so well, if this isn’t working for me, I will try somewhere else. This has to be taken very, very seriously because of the mental and physical health issues for everyone involved.

And because people often blame their own unhappiness on the marriage, understandably so, they say, oh, it's must be about the marriage (right) and this person, when it’s often about something in themselves.

In some ways, the statistic, generated a vicious cycle (yep) because when people hear it that 40 percent of people or 45 percent of people get divorced, it immediately makes you think, well then it is not that big deal.

Good point
you know, it will become a social norm, (really) (Yes) a social norm, behaviors or thoughts really become something that we all participate in (because.. endurable ) (yes)

And you feel like you are in good companion and you feel like maybe I’m not doing something that is such a big deal, and you feel, PS there will be big pool of other people out there who feel the same way that you can get remarry too.

In the 45 seconds left, the idea that kids complicate everything, and this question: is there such a thing as good divorce for kids? and if so, (yes) is a good divorce better than a bad marriage?

Healthy divorce is every bit as important as healthy marriage, maybe even more important. The ability to work together and, and by the way, it’s not just important for the kids it’s important for each individual person, so that they can move on.

Then the kids would say that they, sometimes the adult kids would look back and say they're relieved when their parents broke up, but those are usually situations of sex-abuse and extreme versus (contempt then) contempt abuse, these sort of thing. Well, kids are actually relieved that things are breaking apart, but again, I cannot emphasize stronger enough, that going and getting treatment, often will relieve those things. Our kids will just as relieved by parents participating in something constructive. (and even individual treatment.)

Bottom line though is never OK to take the commitment too light, never. never.
Gail. Draw, good to see you both.
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