读者文摘:最搞笑的职场段子之愚蠢员工篇（在线收听）

Haven't you heard there are no dumb questions in business?

难道你没听说在商业中没有愚蠢的问题吗？

From these HR queries, that truism is clearly not true.

从这些人力资源方面的问题来看，这个老生常谈显然是不正确的。

I falsified my resume. Now that I'm working here, can I change it?

我伪造了我的简历。现在既然我在这里工作了，我可以把它换掉吗？

Can my supervisor require me to have specific working hours?

我的主管能要求我有具体的工作时间吗？

Can I have my salary deferred until next year so I don't have to pay taxes this year? I don't need the money this year.

我的工资能延迟到明年再发吗？这样今年我就不用交税了。今年我不需要这笔钱。

Will you give me a raise if I stop smoking marijuana? Can I wear a swimsuit and towel on casual day?

如果我不吸食大麻了，你能给我涨工资吗？我可以在便装日穿泳衣和毛巾吗？

Since my mother and father both died before I came to work at this company, will I be credited for bereavement leave I didn't have to take?

既然在我来公司之前，我的父母亲都去世了，那么我会因不必休丧假而受到赞扬吗？

Everyday my supervisor tells me to stop chatting and get back to work. Can he do that?

我的上司每天都叫我停止聊天，回去工作。他能做到吗？

Some excuses for missing work are so dumb they are almost inspired. (Feel free to borrow from these in the future.)

误工的一些借口是如此愚蠢，他们几乎得到了启发。(以后你可以随意运用这些借口。)

The employee said that he couldn't come to work because his fortune-teller had asked him not to step out of the house or he would suffer a brain hemorrhage.

这名员工说，他不能来上班，因为算命先生让他不要走出家门，否则他会脑出血。

An employee refused to come to work because his fish was unwell.

一名员工拒绝上班，因为他的鱼不舒服。

The employee said he'd gotten drunk the night before and was now suffering from a hangover.

一名员工表示，他前一天晚上喝醉了，现在因宿醉而难受。

The employee insisted he'd locked himself in his house by mistake and that the house did not have any windows to crawl out of.

一名员工坚决认为他把自己锁在房子里了。而且房子没有窗户可以爬出来。

An employee said his mother made his favorite dish and he ate too much.

一名员工说，他母亲做了他最喜欢的菜，他吃了太多。

Doctors and nurses in hospitals work long, strenuous hours.

医院里的医生和护士工作时间长，工作强度大。

Sometimes it shows up in the odd things they accidentally write in the patient charts.

有时它会出现在他们不小心写在病人病历上的奇怪的东西里。

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

这位病人眼泪汪汪，不停地哭。她似乎患有抑郁症。

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

第二天，膝盖好些了，第三天它就完全不见了。

Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

出血开始于直肠区域，并一直持续到洛杉矶。

She is numb from her toes down. The skin was moist and dry.

她脚趾以下麻木。皮肤又湿又干。

Social history reveals this 1-year-old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.

社会历史显示，这位一岁的病人既不抽烟也不喝酒，现在没有工作。

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

病人有两个十几岁的孩子，但是没有其他异常。

Of course, sometimes HR itself is the issue, thanks to some questionable work place directives.

当然，有时候由于一些有问题的工作场所指示，人力资源本身就是问题。

I'm a teacher, so I have a million stupid rules I have to follow.

我是一名老师，所以我有一百万个要遵守的规则。

But the worst one is that my performance evaluation is based on student improvement on a statewide literacy test. I teach wood shop.

但最糟糕的是，我的成绩评估是基于学生在全州读写能力测试中的进步。我教木工。

At my old job, HR held a meeting to tell us that there was too much swearing on the sales floor.

在我以前的工作，人力资源经理开会告诉我们销售人员满口脏话。

Someone pointed out that swearing is very common in our industry and that is the way that our customers speak.

有人指出，在我们的行业中，说脏话是很常见的，这是我们的客户说话的方式。

HR later sent out a memo explaining that swearing should be limited to conversations with clients.

人力资源经理后来发了一个备忘录解释道，脏话应该仅限于和客户的对话中。

My workplace doesn't let you use the word problems. Instead, we have to say challenges if something is wrong.

我工作的地方不让你使用问题这个词。相反，如果出了什么问题，我们不得不说挑战。