The Exact Science of Matrimony' by O.Henry

 

Jeff Peters and Andy Tucker could never be trusted. One day, the two men decided¹ to open a marriage business to make some quick and easy money. The first thing they did was to write an advertisement to be published in newspapers. Their advertisement read like this:

“A charming² widow³, beautiful and home-loving, would like to remarry. She is only thirty-two years old. She has three thousand dollars in cash and owns valuable property in the country. She would like a poor man with a loving heart. No objection⁴ to an older man or to one who is not good-looking. But he needs to be faithful⁵ and true, can take care of property and invest⁶ money with good judgment⁷. Give address, with details about yourself. Signed: Lonely, care of Peters and Tucker, agents, Cairo, Illinois.”

When they finished writing the ad, Jeff Peters said to Andy Tucker: “So far, so good. And now, where is the lady?”

Andy gave Jeff an unhappy look. “What does a marriage advertisement have to do with a lady?” he asked.

“Now listen,” Jeff answered. “You know my rule, Andy. In all illegal activities, we must obey the law, in every detail. Something offered for sale must exist. It must be seen. You must be able to produce it. That is how I have kept out of trouble with the police. Now, for this business to work, we must be able to produce a charming widow, with or without the beauty, as advertised.”

“Well,” said Andy, after thinking it over, “it might be better, if the United States Post Office should decide to investigate our marriage agency⁸. But where can you hope to find a widow who would waste her time on a marriage proposal⁹ that has no marriage in it?”

Jeff said that he knew just such a woman.

“An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter,” he said, “used to work in a tent show. He made his wife a widow by drinking too much of the wrong kind of alcohol¹⁰. I used to stop at their house often. I think we can get her to work with us.”

Missus Zeke Trotter lived in a small town not far away. Jeff Peters went out to see her. She was not beautiful and not so young. But she seemed all right to Jeff.

“Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mister¹¹ Peters?” she asked when he told her what he wanted.

“Missus Trotter,” said Jeff, “three thousand men will seek to marry you to get your money and property. What are they prepared to give in exchange? Nothing! Nothing but the bones of a lazy, dishonest, good-for-nothing fortune-seeker. We will teach them something. This will be a great moral¹² campaign. Does that satisfy you?”

“It does, Mister Peters,” she said. “But what will my duties be? Do I have to personally reject these three thousand good-for-nothings you speak of? Or can I throw them out in bunches?”

Jeff explained that her job would be easy. She would live in a quiet hotel and have no work to do. He and Andy would take care of all letters and the business end of the plot. But he warned her that some of the men might come to see her in person. Then, she would have to meet them face-to-face and reject them. She would be paid twenty-five dollars a week and hotel costs.

“Give me five minutes to get ready,” Missus Trotter said. “Then you can start paying me.”

So Jeff took her to the city and put her in a hotel far enough from Jeff and Andy’s place to cause no suspicion¹³.

Jeff Peters and Andy Tucker were now ready to catch a few fish on the hook¹⁴. They placed their advertisement in newspapers across the country. They put two thousand dollars in a bank in Missus Trotter’s name. They gave her the bank book to show if anyone questioned the honesty of their marriage agency. They were sure that Missus Trotter could be trusted and that it was safe to leave the money in her name.

Their ad in the newspapers started a flood of letters – more than one hundred a day. Jeff and Andy worked twelve hours a day answering them. Most of the men wrote that they had lost their jobs. The world misunderstood them. But they were full of love and other good qualities.

Jeff and Andy answered every letter with high praise for the writer. They asked the men to send a photograph and more details. And they told them to include two dollars to cover the cost of giving the second letter to the charming widow.

Almost all the men sent in the two dollars requested. It seemed to be an easy business. Still, Andy and Jeff often spoke¹⁵ about the trouble of cutting open envelopes and taking the money out.

A few of the men came in person. Jeff and Andy sent them to Missus Trotter and she did the rest. Soon, Jeff and Andy were receiving about two hundred dollars a day. One day, a federal¹⁶ postal¹⁷ inspector¹⁸ came by. But Jeff satisfied him that they were not breaking the law.

After about three months, Jeff and Andy had collected more than five thousand dollars, and they decided it was time to stop. Some people were beginning to question their honesty. And, Missus Trotter seemed to have grown tired of her job. Too many men had come to see her and she did not like that.

Jeff went to Missus Trotter’s hotel to pay her what she was owed, and to say goodbye. He also wanted her to repay¹⁹ the two thousand dollars that was put into her bank account.

When Jeff walked into the room she was crying, like a child who did not want to go to school.

“Now, now,” he said. “What’s it all about? Somebody hurt you? Are you getting homesick?”

“No, Mister Peters,” she said. “I’ll tell you. You were always a good friend of my husband Zeke. Mister Peters, I am in love. I just love a man so hard I can’t bear not to get him. He’s just the kind I’ve always had in mind.”

“Then take him,” said Jeff. “Does he feel the same way about you?”

“He does,” Missus Trotter answered. “But there is a problem. He is one of the men who have been coming to see me in answer to your advertisement. And he will not marry me unless I give him the two thousand dollars. His name is William Wilkinson.”

Jeff felt sorry for her. He said he would be glad to let her give the two thousand dollars to Mister Wilkinson, so that she could be happy. But he said he had to talk to his partner about it.

Jeff returned to his hotel and discussed it with Andy.

“I was expecting something like this,” Andy said. “You can’t trust a woman to stick with you in any plan that involves her emotions.”

Jeff said it was a sad thing to think that they were the cause of the breaking of a woman’s heart. Andy agreed with him.

“I’ll tell you what I am willing to do,” said Andy. “Jeff, you have always been a man of a soft and generous heart. Perhaps I have been too hard and worldly and suspicious²⁰. For once, I will meet you half-way. Go to Missus Trotter. Tell her to take the two thousand dollars out of the bank and give it to this Wilkinson fellow and be happy.”

Jeff shook Andy’s hand for a long time. Then he went back to Missus Trotter. She cried as hard for joy as she had done for sorrow.

Two days later, Jeff and Andy prepared to leave town.

“Wouldn’t you like to go meet Missus Trotter once before we leave?” Jeff asked Andy. “She’d like to express her thanks to you.”

“Why, I guess not,” Andy said. “I think we should hurry and catch the train.”

Jeff was putting all the money they had received in a belt he tied around his body. Then Andy took a large amount of money out of his pocket and asked Jeff to put it together with the other money.

“What’s this?” Jeff asked.

“It’s Missus Trotter’s two thousand dollars,” said Andy.

“How do you come to have it?” Jeff asked.

“Missus Trotter gave it to me,” Andy answered. “I have been calling on her three nights a week for more than a month.”

“Then you are William Wilkinson?” Jeff asked.

“I was,” Andy said.

Words in This Story

publish – v. to have something you wrote included in a book, magazine, or newspaper

investigate – v. to try to get information about (someone who may have done something illegal)

reject – v. to refuse to love, care for, or give attention to (someone)

federal – adj. of or relating to the central government?

inspector – n. a person whose job is to inspect something

partner – n. one of two or more people, businesses, etc., that work together or do business together

1 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

2 charming   

adj.迷人的，可爱的

参考例句：

• She looked small and gentle and altogether charming.她看起来小巧文雅,十分迷人。
• She has charming manners.她具有媚人的风姿。

3 widow   

n.寡妇

参考例句：

• Martha was a very rich young widow.玛莎是个很有钱的年轻寡妇。
• All this money was appropriated for the support of his widow.所有这些钱作为给他的遗孀的抚养费。

4 objection   

n.厌恶，异议，反对；反对的理由

参考例句：

• None of them raised any objection.他们谁也没提出反对意见。
• Please present your objection to the plan.请提出反对这个计划的理由。

5 faithful   

adj.守信的，忠实的，如实的，可靠的

参考例句：

• They promised to be faithful to their ideal for ever.他们保证永远忠于自己的理想。
• We must be honest and faithful to the people.我们对人民必须忠诚老实。

6 invest   

v.投资；投入(时间等)；授予，赋予

参考例句：

• I have decided to invest in a new car.我已经决定买一辆新汽车。
• The best time to invest is now.现在是投资的最佳时机。

7 judgment   

n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见

参考例句：

• The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
• He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。

8 agency   

n.经办；代理；代理处

参考例句：

• This disease is spread through the agency of insects.这种疾病是通过昆虫媒介传播的。
• He spoke in the person of Xinhua News Agency.他代表新华社讲话。

9 proposal   

n.提议，建议；求婚

参考例句：

• I feel that we ought to accept his proposal.我觉得我们应该接受他的建议。
• They could not gain over anyone to support their proposal.他们无法争取到支持他们建议的人。

10 alcohol   

n.酒精，乙醇；含酒精的饮料

参考例句：

• The law forbids shops to sell alcohol to minors.法律禁止商店向未成年者出售含酒精的饮料。
• The alcohol is industrial.这些酒精是供工业用的。

11 mister   

n.(略作Mr.全称很少用于书面)先生

参考例句：

• Mister Smith is my good friend.史密斯先生是我的好朋友。
• He styled himself " Mister Clean ".他自称是“清廉先生”。

12 moral   

adj.道德(上)的，有道德的；n.品行，寓意，道德

参考例句：

• Moral beauty ought to be ranked above all other beauty.品德之美应列于其他美之上。
• He deceived us into believing that he could give us moral support.他骗得我们相信他能给我们道义上的支持。

13 suspicion   

n.猜疑，怀疑；怀疑，嫌疑

参考例句：

• There was just a suspicion of light in the east. 东方刚刚泛白。
• I confess to some suspicion of your honesty.我承认对你的诚实有所怀疑。

14 hook   

vt.钩住；n.钩子，钩状物

参考例句：

• The blacksmith forged a bar of iron into a hook.铁匠把一根铁条锻造成一个钩子。
• He hangs up his scarf on the hook behind the door.他把围巾挂在门后的衣钩上。

15 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

16 federal   

adj.联盟的；联邦的；(美国)联邦政府的

参考例句：

• Switzerland is a federal republic.瑞士是一个联邦共和国。
• The schools are screaming for federal aid.那些学校强烈要求联邦政府的援助。

17 postal   

adj.邮政的，邮局的

参考例句：

• A postal network now covers the whole country.邮路遍及全国。
• Remember to use postal code.勿忘使用邮政编码。

18 inspector   

n.检查员，监察员，视察员

参考例句：

• The inspector was interested in everything pertaining to the school.视察员对有关学校的一切都感兴趣。
• The inspector was shining a flashlight onto the tickets.查票员打着手电筒查看车票。

19 repay   

v.偿还，报答，还钱给

参考例句：

• I feel honor bound to repay the money I borrowed.我觉得有责任归还我借的钱。
• I must repay her for her kindness.我必须报答她的恩惠。

20 suspicious   

adj.可疑的，容易引起怀疑的，猜疑的，疑心的

参考例句：

• A man was hanging about the house in a suspicious manner.一个男人在房子周围可疑地荡来荡去。
• He's so suspicious he would distrust his own mother.他这个人疑心太重，连自己的母亲也不相信。