TED演讲:内心的喧哗

 　　The day I left home for the first time to go to university was a bright day brimming with hope and optimism. 我第一次离家到大学念书的那天 感觉棒呆了，日子充满希望

　　I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high,  我学业表现不错，大家对我期望颇高

　　and I gleefully entered the student life of lectures, parties and traffic cone¹ theft. 我也满怀期待地投入大学生活，上课、参加派对, 喝醉了偷交通路标.

　　Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,  当然, 事情不能只看表面

　　and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer,  就某种程度而言，上课和偷交通路标这些活跃又不服输的印象只是伪装

　　albeit² a very well-crafted and convincing one.  但掩饰得很好，足以瞒过任何人

　　Underneath³, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure and fundamentally frightened 只是我内心其实不快乐而且不安，骨子里很害怕……

　　frightened of other people, of the future, of failure and of the emptiness that I felt was within me. 怕其他人、未来，怕失败，还有内心的空虚感

　　But I was skilled at hiding it,  但我隐藏得很好!

　　and from the outside appeared to be someone with everything to hope for and aspire⁴ to. 外表看来就像是对一切都充满期待与抱负

　　This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete that I even deceived myself,  甚么都不怕的想法是如此彻底，连我自己都信以为真

　　and as the first semester ended and the second began,  所以念完一学期；而新学期开始的时候

　　there was no way that anyone could have predicted what was just about to happen. 根本没人能预料将要发生的事

　　I was leaving a seminar when it started,  当时已开始上课而我正要逃学

　　humming to myself, fumbling⁵ with my bag just as I'd done a hundred times before,  我边哼歌边收拾东西，动作一如往常熟练

　　when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe, "She is leaving the room." 这时传来一个冷眼旁观的声音:"她要走了"

　　I looked around, and there was no one there,  我四下张望，但根本没人

　　but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment was unmistakable. 那声音听来果断清晰，不可能是我听错

　　Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home, and there it was again. 我太震惊了，连忘在阶梯上的书都没拿就冲回家，但那声音又来了!

　　"She is opening the door." "她正要开门"

　　This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.  就是这样开始的。这个声音在我耳边响起

　　And the voice persisted, days and then weeks of it, on and on, narrating⁶ everything I did in the third person.  并且持续不断，每天每星期地重复 以旁观者的语气叙述我作的事

　　"She is going to the library." "她要上图馆了"

　　"She is going to a lecture." "她要去上课了"

　　It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while, strangely companionate and reassuring,  这声音起初毫无感情，但一段时间后却令人莫名熟悉与安慰

　　although I did notice that its calm exterior⁷ sometimes slipped and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion. 但我的确发现，这表面平静的语调有时也会不经意地泄漏我隐藏的情绪

　　So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it which I often did,   就拿我常需要压抑愤怒这事来说吧!

　　being very adept⁸ at concealing⁹ how I really felt,  隐藏情绪这事我很在行的

　　then the voice would sound frustrated¹⁰.  不过那声音就会因此听起来很气馁

　　Otherwise, it was neither sinister¹¹ nor disturbing,  但其他时候，听来还不致令人不安

　　although even at that point it was clear that it had something to communicate to me 尽管这声音当时很明显地有事要对我说

　　about my emotions, particularly emotions which were remote and inaccessible¹². 尤其是我的情绪始终深藏不露的这件事

　　Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,  就在那时我犯了一个大错

　　in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified¹³.  我把听到声音的说给一位朋友听，她吓坏了!

　　A subtle conditioning process had begun,  她开始不着痕迹地导正我

　　the implication that normal people don't hear voices  暗示幻听不是正常现象

　　and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.  而且我自己也觉得很不对劲

　　Such fear and mistrust was infectious.  这样的恐惧和疑虑是会传染的

　　Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign¹⁴ anymore,  忽然那声音听来不再那么友善

　　and when she insisted that I seek medical attention I,  当她坚持我必须去看医生

　　duly complied, and which proved to be mistake number two. 我顺从地照做，但事后证明又错了!

　　I spent some time telling the college G.P. about what I perceived to be the real problem:  之后我找校医谈，说出我担忧的问题

　　anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,  像是焦虑、没自信和对未来恐惧

　　and was met with bored indifference¹⁵ until I mentioned the voice,  但对方没什么兴趣，也不在乎，但当我一提到，听见有人说话这件事

　　upon which he dropped his pen, swung round and began to question me with a show of real interest. 他立刻放下手中的笔，转过头来开始很关心地问了一些问题

　　And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,  平心而论，我当时非常渴望关切和帮助

　　and I began to tell him about my strange commentator¹⁶.  所以我就把有一位"评论员"的事说出来了

　　And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said, "She is digging her own grave." 我深信当时那声音会说："她在自掘坟墓"

1 cone   

n.圆锥体，圆锥形东西，球果

参考例句：

• Saw-dust piled up in a great cone.锯屑堆积如山。
• The police have sectioned off part of the road with traffic cone.警察用锥形路标把部分路面分隔开来。

2 albeit   

conj.即使；纵使；虽然

参考例句：

• Albeit fictional,she seemed to have resolved the problem.虽然是虚构的，但是在她看来好象是解决了问题。
• Albeit he has failed twice,he is not discouraged.虽然失败了两次，但他并没有气馁。

3 underneath   

adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面

参考例句：

• Working underneath the car is always a messy job.在汽车底下工作是件脏活。
• She wore a coat with a dress underneath.她穿着一件大衣，里面套着一条连衣裙。

4 aspire   

vi.(to，after)渴望，追求，有志于

参考例句：

• Living together with you is what I aspire toward in my life.和你一起生活是我一生最大的愿望。
• I aspire to be an innovator not a follower.我迫切希望能变成个开创者而不是跟随者。

5 fumbling   

n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理

参考例句：

• If he actually managed to the ball instead of fumbling it with an off-balance shot. 如果他实际上设法拿好球而不是fumbling它。50-balance射击笨拙地和迅速地会开始他的岗位移动，经常这样结束。
• If he actually managed to secure the ball instead of fumbling it awkwardly an off-balance shot. 如果他实际上设法拿好球而不是fumbling它。50-50提议有时。他从off-balance射击笨拙地和迅速地会开始他的岗位移动，经常这样结束。

6 narrating   

v.故事( narrate的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• She entertained them by narrating her adventures in Africa. 她讲述她在非洲的历险来使他们开心。
• [Mike Narrating] Worm and I fall into our old rhythm like Clyde Frazier and Pearl Monroe. [迈克叙述] 虫子和我配合得象以前一样默契我们两好象是克莱德。弗瑞泽和佩尔。门罗。 来自电影对白

7 exterior   

adj.外部的，外在的；表面的

参考例句：

• The seed has a hard exterior covering.这种子外壳很硬。
• We are painting the exterior wall of the house.我们正在给房子的外墙涂漆。

8 adept   

adj.老练的，精通的

参考例句：

• When it comes to photography,I'm not an adept.要说照相，我不是内行。
• He was highly adept at avoiding trouble.他十分善于避开麻烦。

9 concealing   

v.隐藏，隐瞒，遮住( conceal的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• Despite his outward display of friendliness, I sensed he was concealing something. 尽管他表现得友善，我还是感觉到他有所隐瞒。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• SHE WAS BREAKING THE COMPACT, AND CONCEALING IT FROM HIM. 她违反了他们之间的约定，还把他蒙在鼓里。 来自英汉文学 - 三万元遗产

10 frustrated   

adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧

参考例句：

• It's very easy to get frustrated in this job. 这个工作很容易令人懊恼。
• The bad weather frustrated all our hopes of going out. 恶劣的天气破坏了我们出行的愿望。 来自《简明英汉词典》

11 sinister   

adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的

参考例句：

• There is something sinister at the back of that series of crimes.在这一系列罪行背后有险恶的阴谋。
• Their proposals are all worthless and designed out of sinister motives.他们的建议不仅一钱不值，而且包藏祸心。

12 inaccessible   

adj.达不到的，难接近的

参考例句：

• This novel seems to me among the most inaccessible.这本书对我来说是最难懂的小说之一。
• The top of Mount Everest is the most inaccessible place in the world.珠穆朗玛峰是世界上最难到达的地方。

13 horrified   

a.(表现出)恐惧的

参考例句：

• The whole country was horrified by the killings. 全国都对这些凶杀案感到大为震惊。
• We were horrified at the conditions prevailing in local prisons. 地方监狱的普遍状况让我们震惊。

14 benign   

adj.善良的，慈祥的；良性的，无危险的

参考例句：

• The benign weather brought North America a bumper crop.温和的气候给北美带来大丰收。
• Martha is a benign old lady.玛莎是个仁慈的老妇人。

15 indifference   

n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎

参考例句：

• I was disappointed by his indifference more than somewhat.他的漠不关心使我很失望。
• He feigned indifference to criticism of his work.他假装毫不在意别人批评他的作品。

16 commentator   

n.注释者，解说者；实况广播评论员

参考例句：

• He is a good commentator because he can get across the game.他能简单地解说这场比赛，是个好的解说者。
• The commentator made a big mistake during the live broadcast.在直播节目中评论员犯了个大错误。