Jacky’s Funny Self-Portrait

Jacky’s Funny Self-Portrait

Hello, my name’s Jacky Earl and I’m a bank clerk but I’ve recently been made 1)redundant¹, I’ve got no pension, earn nothing and I thought I’d make my life really easy by doing 2)stand up. I’ve worn black in case I die. I warn you early on though don’t mess with me ‘cause I’m 3)menopausal. Now you notice when I talk my top lip never moves, it’s not because I’ve overdone² the 4)Botox, it’s because I’m from 5)Croydon. A lot of people 6)slag³ Croydon off but I couldn’t live anywhere else, ‘cause that’s where my house is. I’m actually nervous I’ve never done this before and I’m shaking. The good thing is you lot don’t know if I’m nervous or just a hopeless alcoholic⁴, do you?

My first husband was 30 years older than me, he was my boss. I only went in for the job and I come out with a 10 pound baby. Yes, I have a little boy, my little Dave. Don’t they grow up fast these days? He wants to do this, he wants to do that, he says I’m over-protective, I said shut up and eat your 7)rusks! He’s 21. Before his 21st I bought him a car, I know, I spoil him but what the hell. Anyway it’s a very special car and when he’s eaten all the sweets he can use it as a moneybox. And here’s a hint for the girls, if you want to look younger, stand by something a lot older than you, like a pyramid or 8)Lesley Joseph. I don’t mean to be 9)bitchy, I just am.

Yeah my mate went to one of them 10)spas, I said oh yeah what did you get, seaweed 11)wrap, deep heat 12)massage⁵, 13)manicure, 14)pedicure, facial? No, no she said a tin of 15)spam and a 16)trifle. I like shopping, I go out in my Fiat⁶ Spincento, go and park it just stop. I only bought it ‘cause the 17)bloke in the shop said it had air conditioning, I’ve been driving it for six months and I still got 18)dandruff. Cars are weird⁷, aren’t they, they’ve always got a rear view mirror, what’s that about? It doesn’t matter where you sit you can’t see your 19)bum⁸ in it, it’s physically⁹ impossible. My little baby boy he’s got a big head and he’s20)ginger¹⁰, that is not funny. Anyway, stiches, I know all about stiches when I had him they were stiching me up for three quarters of an hour but I loved being pregnant, so I’ve tried to maintain the shape. 

That is actually me finished folks thankfully, thank you for being kind. If you liked me, I’mJacky Earl; if you didn’t, I’m 21)Jenny Eclair. Thank you. 

注释：
1) redundant [ri5dQndEnt] a. 多余的
2) stand up 是类似于单口相声的一种表演形式，通常在酒吧等娱乐场所进行，因为表演者演出时要站着而得名，也称stand up comedy
3) menopausal [7menEU5pC:zEl] a. [生理]更年期的
4) Botox（A型肉毒杆菌毒素Botulinum Toxin¹¹ Type A），保妥适，一种用来消除脸部皱纹的注射剂，过量注射可能导致肌肉僵硬，影响正常的面部表情
5) Croydon克罗伊登，英国的一个小镇
6) slag off （英国俚语）指不公正地侮慢或评断某人（物）
7) rusk [rQsk] n. 甜面包干
8) Lesley Joseph 莱斯利·约瑟夫，英国当代戏剧演员。在最近（2004年1月）的童话剧《白雪公主》中，她饰演邪恶的皇后
9) bitchy [5bitFi] a. （俚语）泼妇的；有恶意的
10) spa [spB:] n. 矿泉，温泉区
11) wrap [rAp] n. 包，裹
12) massage [5mAsB:V] n. 按摩
13) manicure [5mAnikjuE] n. 修指甲
14) pedicure [5pedikjuE] n. 足疗
15) spam [spAm] n. 斯帕姆午餐肉
16) trifle [5traifl] n. （英国烹调）一种牛奶蛋糊甜食
17) bloke [blEuk] n. （英国俚语）小子，家伙
18) dandruff [5dAndrQf] n. 头皮屑
19) bum [bQm] n. （主英国英语）屁股，臀部
20) ginger [5dVindVE] n. 姜黄色，黄褐色
21) Jenny Éclair 是英国著名的喜剧演员，Jacky Earl即是在她的指导下完成这次表演的

怪怪女子自画像

    嗨，我叫杰基·厄尔，一个银行职员。不过最近我被公司裁员了，没有遣散费，赚不到一个子儿。说说单口相声，我想我的生活才真正有些盼头。我穿一身黑，万一死了好有准备。我提前警告你们，别惹我，我到更年期了。现在你们注意到，我说话的时候上嘴唇从来不动。这不是因为我用保妥适过量了，而是因为我来自克罗伊登。好多人对克罗伊登横挑鼻子竖挑眼，不过其它任何地方我都呆不下去，因为我的房子在那里。其实我挺紧张以前我从没说过这个，我一直在发抖。好在你们多数闹不清我是在紧张呢，还是我根本就是一个无可救药的酒鬼，对吧？
    我第一个丈夫比我大30岁，他是我老板。我只不过冲着工作进去的，结果出来的时候带了个10磅重的小宝宝。是的，我有了个小男孩，我的小戴夫。这年月小孩子不是长得特快吗？他想做这，他想做那，他说我管得太死了，我说闭嘴嚼你的甜面包干去！他21岁了。在他21岁生日之前，我给他买了辆车。我宠坏了他，不过管他呢。不管怎样，那是一辆很特别的小汽车，他吃完所有糖果的时候，还可以把车子当钱箱子用。这里有一个对女孩子们的忠告，如果你想看起来年轻些，站到那些比你年岁大很多的东西旁边去，比如金字塔，或者莱斯利·约瑟夫之类的。我不是想装成这么坏，我本来就这么坏。
    我的好朋友去了一个温泉疗养地，我说哦那么你有些什么收获？海藻泥热敷、深度热量按摩、修指甲、足疗、做脸部护理？不不，她说就一个午餐肉罐头和一个牛奶蛋糊。我喜欢购物，开着我的菲亚特出去，一进车位便停好了。我买那辆车只不过因为车行那臭小子说它有空调; 我开了半年，还是有头皮屑。小汽车都挺古怪是不，它们都有后视镜，那起什么作用？无论你坐在哪儿都看不到自己的屁股，这是全然不可能的。我的小宝贝儿子有个大脑袋，黄褐色头发。那没什么好笑。无论如何，缝合线，我知道所有那些缝合线，在我生他的时候，他们花了45分钟来缝合我的伤口。但我喜欢怀孕，所以我努力保持那身材。
    这就是真正的我，满怀感激地结束这表演了，谢谢你们这么友善。如果你们喜欢我，我就是杰基·厄尔;不喜欢的话那我就是珍妮·埃克莱尔。谢谢大家。

 

 

1 redundant   

adj.多余的，过剩的；(食物)丰富的；被解雇的

参考例句：

• There are too many redundant words in this book.这本书里多余的词太多。
• Nearly all the redundant worker have been absorbed into other departments.几乎所有冗员，都已调往其他部门任职。

2 overdone   

v.做得过分( overdo的过去分词 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度

参考例句：

• The lust of men must not be overdone. 人们的欲望不该过分。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• The joke is overdone. 玩笑开得过火。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

3 slag   

n.熔渣，铁屑，矿渣；v.使变成熔渣，变熔渣

参考例句：

• Millions of tons of slag now go into building roads each year.每年有数百万吨炉渣用于铺路。
• The slag powder had been widely used as the additive in the cement and concrete.矿渣微粉作为水泥混凝土的掺和料已得到广泛应用。

4 alcoholic   

adj.（含）酒精的，由酒精引起的；n.酗酒者

参考例句：

• The alcoholic strength of brandy far exceeds that of wine.白兰地的酒精浓度远远超过葡萄酒。
• Alcoholic drinks act as a poison to a child.酒精饮料对小孩犹如毒药。

5 massage   

n.按摩，揉；vt.按摩，揉，美化，奉承，篡改数据

参考例句：

• He is really quite skilled in doing massage.他的按摩技术确实不错。
• Massage helps relieve the tension in one's muscles.按摩可使僵硬的肌肉松弛。

6 fiat   

n.命令，法令，批准；vt.批准，颁布

参考例句：

• The opening of a market stall is governed by municipal fiat.开设市场摊位受市政法令管制。
• He has tried to impose solutions to the country's problems by fiat.他试图下令强行解决该国的问题。

7 weird   

adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的

参考例句：

• From his weird behaviour,he seems a bit of an oddity.从他不寻常的行为看来，他好像有点怪。
• His weird clothes really gas me.他的怪衣裳简直笑死人。

8 bum   

n.臀部；流浪汉，乞丐；vt.乞求，乞讨

参考例句：

• A man pinched her bum on the train so she hit him.在火车上有人捏她屁股，她打了那人。
• The penniless man had to bum a ride home.那个身无分文的人只好乞求搭车回家。

9 physically   

adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律

参考例句：

• He was out of sorts physically,as well as disordered mentally.他浑身不舒服，心绪也很乱。
• Every time I think about it I feel physically sick.一想起那件事我就感到极恶心。

10 ginger   

n.姜，精力，淡赤黄色；adj.淡赤黄色的；vt.使活泼，使有生气

参考例句：

• There is no ginger in the young man.这个年轻人没有精神。
• Ginger shall be hot in the mouth.生姜吃到嘴里总是辣的。

11 toxin   

n.毒素，毒质

参考例句：

• Experts have linked this condition to a build-up of toxins in the body.专家已把这一病症与体内毒素的积累联系起来。
• Tests showed increased levels of toxin in shellfish.检验表明水生有壳动物的毒素水平提高了。