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访谈录[Interview]2007-10-31:跟朋友说拜拜

时间:2008-06-21 06:10来源:互联网 提供网友:海芋不屑   字体: [ ]
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    (单词翻译:双击或拖选)
Susan Shapiro Barash is the author of 'Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry1' ; and psychologist Gail Saltz is here today contributing. Good morning to both of you.

Good morning.

So when, when is it time, when do you decide and how do you decide, you know what, this thing just isn’t working anymore. And you, Gail , believe honesty is the best policy?

You know what, I really do. Because I think frankly2 we take a lot of our friendships too lightly, unlike romantic relationships which we invest and think we do a million segments on. Friendships are important relationships and if you are gonna value something then honesty and real communication is one the only way to salvage3 it when it may need salvaging4 . And two, the only way to really get closure and end something so that someone doesn’t keep chasing it, feeling humiliated5 and sort of dragging it out.

So it's, it, you actually end on a good note in a sense.

Exactly, I think you don't burn a bridge that way.

So how do we know it’s time to end a relationship? The friendship.

I think when there are more negative possibilities in a friendship and there is nothing really good happening, when you are trying to avoid a friend, and for women, it’s even harder, it really is.

Why? What? Is it different for men and women?

I think it is. (Why?) Well, women, you know they hold the bars so high. They think it's their friends can heal all the ill, you know, an unhappy marriage, you confide6 in your friend, a troubled child. And so when a friend can't help you because her own life is so complicated then you feel that your friend let you down.

And then for men?

You know, what men's friendships tend to be based more on shared activities. They tend, I mean they sternly feel emotionally about their friends. You would say that outright7. (Sure.) But maybe not as intensely or in such a complicated way. You know, for women especially, but for men too. We often choose our friends based on old stories, on old relationships they remind us of like a sibling8 relationship or parent relationship. And therefore for women they are often fraught9 with very complicated feelings that aren't actually about what's happening in the current relationship. But old stuff, and so it can be difficult to tell is what's going on right now more about me or about you. And that's a helpful thing to sort out before you decide to break off a relationship.

And is it usually about us more than the other person?

Well I think that women often think that they are sort of innate10 together, that their lives reflect to one another, they're sort of, but I would call the twining syndrome11. (Alright) And it isn’t really like that. You know women have very individual lives.

So what is the best way to break up a friendship?

I think it depends partly on what kind of friendship we are talking about, coz there are many different kinds. If it's more of the casual relationship, you see them from time to time. I know people hate confrontation12. And then it may be Okay to sort of just back off and let it go. But if this is a relationship you’ve invested in or a long-term friend, then honestly, first of all, try to fix it. Because that life history you share with that person, that’s not easily replaceable. But if you can't.

But what about, what about the friendships where, it's casual to you, (right) but to the other person, they seem to think that you are best friends. And there's a, there's a different level.

You are on a different page with each other?

But you have to admit that there is a problem. You have to admit that the give and take isn't equal or even close to equal. And then I think you can talk about it. But I agree with Gail. You have to talk about it.

You know, really, if you sat down and said in some sort of kind. I mean it should be kind. The point is not to blast the person away. To be thinking of them too. But just say, look, these things just aren’t working. You might first of all find out that you’ve been wrong that you’ve been thinking something is going on if they didn’t understand that could be repaired. And you might wanna try it again. But moreover, if it’s not gonna work, just say it flatly, just say, you know what, you are good person. (And don’t let it fade away.) don’t let it fade away, just say you are a good person, it’s not gonna work, it gives you both closure and it keeps both of you from feeling later that you are going to be hurt and have trouble investing in a new relationship. (Alright, Susan...)

And you have to remember it's as important as a love relationship, a marriage, these friendships are very very highly valued.

Alright, ladies, thank you so much. Good advice. (Thank you!) Susan Shapiro Barash and doctor Gail Saltz , thanks.

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 rivalry tXExd     
n.竞争,竞赛,对抗
参考例句:
  • The quarrel originated in rivalry between the two families.这次争吵是两家不和引起的。
  • He had a lot of rivalry with his brothers and sisters.他和兄弟姐妹间经常较劲。
2 frankly fsXzcf     
adv.坦白地,直率地;坦率地说
参考例句:
  • To speak frankly, I don't like the idea at all.老实说,我一点也不赞成这个主意。
  • Frankly speaking, I'm not opposed to reform.坦率地说,我不反对改革。
3 salvage ECHzB     
v.救助,营救,援救;n.救助,营救
参考例句:
  • All attempts to salvage the wrecked ship failed.抢救失事船只的一切努力都失败了。
  • The salvage was piled upon the pier.抢救出的财产被堆放在码头上。
4 salvaging e65753a5869b6a7f4a2f75038af94195     
(从火灾、海难等中)抢救(某物)( salvage的现在分词 ); 回收利用(某物)
参考例句:
  • A shipping company has made a claim for the cost of salvaging a sunken ship. 某轮船公司要求赔赏打捞沉船的费用。(make a claim 要求)
  • It is not uncommon to hear that a shipping company has made a claim for the cost of salvaging a sunken ship. 航运公司为打捞沉船的费用而提出要求,这并非奇闻。
5 humiliated 97211aab9c3dcd4f7c74e1101d555362     
感到羞愧的
参考例句:
  • Parents are humiliated if their children behave badly when guests are present. 子女在客人面前举止失当,父母也失体面。
  • He was ashamed and bitterly humiliated. 他感到羞耻,丢尽了面子。
6 confide WYbyd     
v.向某人吐露秘密
参考例句:
  • I would never readily confide in anybody.我从不轻易向人吐露秘密。
  • He is going to confide the secrets of his heart to us.他将向我们吐露他心里的秘密。
7 outright Qj7yY     
adv.坦率地;彻底地;立即;adj.无疑的;彻底的
参考例句:
  • If you have a complaint you should tell me outright.如果你有不满意的事,你应该直率地对我说。
  • You should persuade her to marry you outright.你应该彻底劝服她嫁给你。
8 sibling TEszc     
n.同胞手足(指兄、弟、姐或妹)
参考例句:
  • Many of us hate living in the shadows of a more successful sibling.我们很多人都讨厌活在更为成功的手足的阴影下。
  • Sibling ravalry has been common in this family.这个家里,兄弟姊妹之间的矛盾很平常。
9 fraught gfpzp     
adj.充满…的,伴有(危险等)的;忧虑的
参考例句:
  • The coming months will be fraught with fateful decisions.未来数月将充满重大的决定。
  • There's no need to look so fraught!用不着那么愁眉苦脸的!
10 innate xbxzC     
adj.天生的,固有的,天赋的
参考例句:
  • You obviously have an innate talent for music.你显然有天生的音乐才能。
  • Correct ideas are not innate in the mind.人的正确思想不是自己头脑中固有的。
11 syndrome uqBwu     
n.综合病症;并存特性
参考例句:
  • The Institute says that an unidentified virus is to blame for the syndrome. 该研究所表示,引起这种综合症的是一种尚未确认的病毒。
  • Results indicated that 11 fetuses had Down syndrome. 结果表明有11个胎儿患有唐氏综合征。
12 confrontation xYHy7     
n.对抗,对峙,冲突
参考例句:
  • We can't risk another confrontation with the union.我们不能冒再次同工会对抗的危险。
  • After years of confrontation,they finally have achieved a modus vivendi.在对抗很长时间后,他们最后达成安宁生存的非正式协议。
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TAG标签:   访谈录  interview  拜拜  访谈录  interview  拜拜
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