女士如何处理恋爱中的"敏感"问题

This morning on our continuing series, On the Couch¹ with Dr. Gail Saltz, our Today contributor and psychiatrist² helps you cope with some serious relationship problems.

Hostess: Gail, good to see you.

Gail: Good to be here.

Host: Ok, let's go right to the emails, coz' we've got some really interesting stories here. First email we've received: my sister is infatuated with my boyfriend and constantly flirts³ with him. I've ignored it to keep the peace in our family. My mother says I should forget about it. But what she's doing is hurting me. What should I do?

Gail: You know sister rivalry⁴ is so common, and even when you grow up, it's common still. But there are a couple of people involved in what's going on. You need to talk to the boyfriend: I don't appreciate you flirting⁵ back, coz' let's face it, it takes two to tango. You need to talk to the mom and say: Hey, peace at any price? This is really hurting me. Why would you support this? But mostly you need to talk to your sister and say: Look, if you're still feeling rivalrous with me over something, we need to talk about what that is. Because stealing my boyfriend is not the sisterly way to go. We need to talk about what's in your qua that you're acting⁶ out here.

Hostess: And the culpability⁷ as mom to say keep the peace (at any price), as there is the thing that makes me feel, you know, uneasy⁸ about that. (It's, Of course it's very hurtful to her.)

Gail: It's not uncommon⁹, unfortunately, to have one parent feel that somehow one of their children is more fragile¹⁰ than the other and support that child more and that might be going on here.

Hostess: ok, let s look at the second email: My boyfriend is constantly looking at other women. I see him gaze, and they smile back. It's like, "Boy, I'd love to be with you, but I'm stuck with her." It hurts me, and when I talk to him about it, he says that he is a man, and that's what men do. My female friends tell me not to worry-that he's just looking. I'm young, in great shape , I love him. But why am I so unhappy?

Gail: You're unhappy because he is RUDE. And he's not taking your feelings into consideration. You know, you hear this a lot, men are visual and they can't help it. I say that's kind of ridiculous. Everybody is visual. And everybody likes to look at what attracts them. But people stop looking at other things that attract them in an obvious way because they don't want to hurt the person they are with. So he's not listening to how you feel. You need the basics to explain to him how would you feel if I checked out the tush of every guy that I thought was attractive. That wouldn't make you feel good either. It really should be the same for the sexes and while everybody wants to look, people control that out of consideration for their partner.

Hostess: Ok, great advice. Ok let s look at email No. three: I often repeat a pattern in my romantic relationships: I get close to a boyfriend, feel emotional pressure, start to see his faults, and then break up with him. Then once the pressure is off, I reconnect with him. This is driving me current boyfriend crazy. I can't figure out if he is just wrong for me, or if I have commitment issues.

Gail: Well, this is a very good question and a common scenario¹¹. One way to help you tell the difference is: if this is your MO, meaning if in past relationships you've tended to do this, I get close, I want you ,I want you; oh, now you are here, now go away, then probably you do have a commitment issue and a fear of intimacy¹². On the other hand, if that's not being your past history, you've had long relationships, they've worked out, but now it s happening just with this guy, it may be more that this guy isn't really working for you, but you are afraid of being alone. Many women are afraid of not having someone with them.

Hostess: With a fear of intimacy, right?

Gail: Well, if you've been able to be intimate in the past, (You should be (like) it.)that's less likely. But if in fact it is only with this guy, then sometimes it's: I wanna be with a guy and even this not good guy is better than no guy at all, which I would say, is not the way to go. If you keep having problems, it's probably time to move on.

Hostess: Ok, let s look at the fourth email: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. His mother kisses my boyfriend on the lips just before she goes to sleep. I have never been comfortable with it. When I recently mentioned it, he said that it was not a big deal, and that she's always done that. She has three daughters and does not kiss them on the lips. Is this weird¹³?

Gail: Well, probably a lot of people are going eek. But let me say this, for a mother and a son, they' re sort of each other's loves for a long time. It's very normal for mom to be your first love when you're a little boy. And hopefully one day you grow up and you'll pick up a girl that reminds you of mom in the positive ways but is not mom. On the other hand, unfortunately, some moms have trouble letting it go and so they keep some sort of connection going and this may be one of them. If this is the only one, I'd say, all right, tell him you don't like it. But I wouldn't do worry too much. But if there are other things, like he listens to everything she says, she calls all the time, she's there all the time, he just may not be available for you, which could be a big problem.

Hostess: Gail, excellent advice, as always.

Gail: My pleasure.

Hostess: Thank you so much.

1 couch   

n.睡椅，长沙发椅；vt.表达，隐含

参考例句：

• Lie down on the couch if you're feeling ill.如果你感觉不舒服就躺到沙发上去。
• The rabbIt'sprang from its grassy couch.兔子从草丛中跳出。

2 psychiatrist   

n.精神病专家；精神病医师

参考例句：

• He went to a psychiatrist about his compulsive gambling.他去看精神科医生治疗不能自拔的赌瘾。
• The psychiatrist corrected him gently.精神病医师彬彬有礼地纠正他。

3 flirts   

v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• She flirts with every man she meets. 她同她遇到的每个男人调情。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She flirts with every handsome man she meets. 她和所遇到的每个美男子调情。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

4 rivalry   

n.竞争，竞赛，对抗

参考例句：

• The quarrel originated in rivalry between the two families.这次争吵是两家不和引起的。
• He had a lot of rivalry with his brothers and sisters.他和兄弟姐妹间经常较劲。

5 flirting   

v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• Don't take her too seriously; she's only flirting with you. 别把她太当真，她只不过是在和你调情罢了。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• 'she's always flirting with that new fellow Tseng!" “她还同新来厂里那个姓曾的吊膀子！ 来自子夜部分

6 acting   

n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的

参考例句：

• Ignore her,she's just acting.别理她，她只是假装的。
• During the seventies,her acting career was in eclipse.在七十年代，她的表演生涯黯然失色。

7 culpability   

n.苛责，有罪

参考例句：

• As if the estrangement between them had come of any culpability of hers. 姐弟俩疏远的责任竟仿佛落到了她的身上！ 来自英汉文学 - 双城记
• The offence, as now defined in English law, covers a wide spectrum of culpability. 英国法律规定，违法包括很多种过失行为。 来自互联网

8 uneasy   

adj.心神不安的，担心的，令人不安的

参考例句：

• He feels uneasy today.他今天心里感到不安。
• She had an uneasy feeling that they were still following her.她有一种他们仍在跟踪她的不安感觉。

9 uncommon   

adj.罕见的，非凡的，不平常的

参考例句：

• Such attitudes were not at all uncommon thirty years ago.这些看法在30年前很常见。
• Phil has uncommon intelligence.菲尔智力超群。

10 fragile   

adj.易碎的，脆的，易损坏的，虚弱的，脆弱的

参考例句：

• The old lady was increasingly fragile after her operation.那位老太太手术后身体越来越虚弱。
• This glass disc looks very fragile.这个玻璃盘子看起来很容易碎。

11 scenario   

n.剧本，脚本；概要

参考例句：

• But the birth scenario is not completely accurate.然而分娩脚本并非完全准确的。
• This is a totally different scenario.这是完全不同的剧本。

12 intimacy   

n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行

参考例句：

• His claims to an intimacy with the President are somewhat exaggerated.他声称自己与总统关系密切，这有点言过其实。
• I wish there were a rule book for intimacy.我希望能有个关于亲密的规则。

13 weird   

adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的

参考例句：

• From his weird behaviour,he seems a bit of an oddity.从他不寻常的行为看来，他好像有点怪。
• His weird clothes really gas me.他的怪衣裳简直笑死人。