男人不坏女人不爱？

Dr. Carole Lieberman is the author of Bad Boys -- Why we love them, How to live with them and When to leave them. Dr.Lieberman, good to see you. Is it the case of smart women making foolish choices or is it really an addiction¹?

You actually can say that it's an addiction because most women dabble² or experiment with bad boys just like people experiment with drugs. But there are a lot of women and an increasing number of women who actually become addicted³ to the high, to the pursuit, the high drama pursuit of the boy , of the man. And also the high of a feeling even though it maybe for fleeting⁴ moments ,that bad man who nobody else could get ,you know, he's been a trouble-maker for lots of other people , and you have managed to capture his heart at least for a few moments , and then there is the crash, you know, just like with drugs. the craving⁵, the high and the crash. And...

It sounds these women who just crave⁶ drama in their lives, in other words , they get easily bored so they want kind of ro, an emotional roller-coaster?

That's part of it, but it actually goes deeper. Um, I call these women "hooked on heartbreak" and that reflects the fact that what they are doing is , they have a repetition compulsion , they have the compulsion to repeat a family drama. When little girls um, are between the ages of 2 to 7 approximately, they try to get their father(s) away from their mother(s). And in most cases, you know, this is a normal phase and it works out with the father actually makes the little girl feels as though she still is attractive, lovable, and it's just obviously he is not attainable⁷. But for fathers who are absent, um, who are too seductive with the girl, who are abusive . There are all different kinds of fathers who can have disfunctional relationships with their daughter(s). And in those cases the little girls grow up to be women who want to keep repeating this pattern , but making it come out with a happier ending.

So, how do you figure out what are the warning signs, cos bad boys just aren't, you know, riding Harley Davidsons and even necessarily having bad habits they could just be creepy narcissist⁸ , right?

Yes, that's one type. In fact, a lot of, all bad boys to some degree have that sense of," it's about me". That's what women don't get. They have all these fun nerve temporarily , have all these fun, winning the pursuit and temporary high but really what they don't get they see the wounded little boy inside.

And they have these rescue fantasies.

And they have rescue fantasies and what they don't get is really the man knows to get out sooner than the woman. The woman will hang in there until she's really brokenhearted. And the man would either leave or he will do behaviors that will make the woman push him away. So, he protects himself, he protects his heart a lot better than the woman do, who just go inner to the end and it's because of this repetition compulsion, because in the sense you can never keep repeating the same behavior and have it come out with a different ending.

Can these people be fixed⁹, the man?

Yes. The man can be fixed and women could do this.

And not by women necessarily.(Well)They have to be fixed by themselves, don't they?

Well, what has to happen is both of these people men are wounded by their mothers just like little girls are...women are wounded by their fathers. And what has to happen is that they each have to realize what they are doing is trying to avoid intimacy¹⁰. And they need to approach each other and recognize what the behaviors are the...the purpose of these behaviors is to push the other person away. And they have to recognize that and work together to resolve that if that's what they want to do, if they want to really have a relationship.

Working a lot less drama. Find a woman who has a healthy relationship with her father(Yes)and a man who has a healthy relationship with his mother.

That's it. That's it.

All right, now we have settled that. Thanks so much for coming. Bye.

1 addiction   

n.上瘾入迷，嗜好

参考例句：

• He stole money from his parents to feed his addiction.他从父母那儿偷钱以满足自己的嗜好。
• Areas of drug dealing are hellholes of addiction,poverty and murder.贩卖毒品的地区往往是吸毒上瘾、贫困和发生谋杀的地方。

2 dabble   

v.涉足，浅赏

参考例句：

• They dabble in the stock market.他们少量投资于股市。
• Never dabble with things of which you have no knowledge.绝不要插手你不了解的事物。

3 addicted   

adj.沉溺于....的，对...上瘾的

参考例句：

• He was addicted to heroin at the age of 17.他17岁的时候对海洛因上了瘾。
• She's become addicted to love stories.她迷上了爱情小说。

4 fleeting   

adj.短暂的，飞逝的

参考例句：

• The girls caught only a fleeting glimpse of the driver.女孩们只匆匆瞥了一眼司机。
• Knowing the life fleeting,she set herself to enjoy if as best as she could.她知道这种日子转瞬即逝，于是让自已尽情地享受。

5 craving   

n.渴望,热望

参考例句：

• a craving for chocolate 非常想吃巧克力
• She skipped normal meals to satisfy her craving for chocolate and crisps. 她不吃正餐，以便满足自己吃巧克力和炸薯片的渴望。

6 crave   

vt.渴望得到，迫切需要，恳求，请求

参考例句：

• Many young children crave attention.许多小孩子渴望得到关心。
• You may be craving for some fresh air.你可能很想呼吸呼吸新鲜空气。

7 attainable   

a.可达到的，可获得的

参考例句：

• They set the limits of performance attainable. 它们确定着可达到的运行限度。
• If objectives are to be meaningful to people, they must be clear, attainable, actionable, and verifiable. 如果目标对人们是具有意义的，则目标必须是清晰的，能达到的，可以行动的，以及可供检验的。

8 narcissist   

n.自我陶醉者

参考例句：

• Don't get caught in the trap of always trying to please a narcissist. 不要让自己一直陷入讨好自恋者的困境中。 来自互联网

9 fixed   

adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的

参考例句：

• Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗？
• Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定，我们就不应该随意改变。

10 intimacy   

n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行

参考例句：

• His claims to an intimacy with the President are somewhat exaggerated.他声称自己与总统关系密切，这有点言过其实。
• I wish there were a rule book for intimacy.我希望能有个关于亲密的规则。