英语PK台 第491期:10种方法,做一个会聊天的人

 　　So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately¹ for it and against it, it's not normal. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are gonna be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening to each other.

　　因此，在我们生活的这个世界，这个每一次交谈都有可能发展为争论的世界，政客无法彼此交谈，甚至为那些鸡毛蒜皮的事情都有人群情激昂地赞成或反对，这太不正常了。我们更不倾向于妥协，这意味着我们没有倾听彼此。我们做的各种决定，选择生活在何处，与谁结婚甚至和谁交朋友，都只基于我们已有的信念。再重复一遍，这说明我们没有倾听彼此。

　　A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen. Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention. We've all had really great conversations. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly² understood.

　　一次成功的对话要求说话者和倾听者之间有一个平衡，通常我们会在这个过程中的某个一点失衡，所以我希望用接下来的10分钟教你们如何谈话，以及如何倾听。你们中间很多人已经听过无数建议，比如看着对方的眼睛，提前想好可以讨论的有趣话题，注视，点头并且微笑来表明你的专注，重复你刚才听到的，或者做总结。我想让你们忘掉所有这些，全都没用。根本没必要去学习如何表现你很专心，如果你确实很专心。我们都曾有过很棒的交谈。我们都曾有过。那种结束之后令你感到很享受，很受鼓舞的交谈，或者令你觉得你和别人建立了真实的连接，或者让你完全得到了他人的理解。

　　So I have 10 basic rules. If you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations. Number one: Don't multitask. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it. Number two: Don't pontificate. If you wanted to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or push back or growth, write a blog.

　　我有10条基本规则。如果你选择一条并且熟练掌握，你就已经可以享受更愉快的交谈了。第一条：不要三心二意。如果你想退出交谈，就退出交谈。但不要身在曹营心在汉。第二条：不要过于自负地表达。如果你想要表达自己的看法，又不想留下任何机会让人回应、争论、反驳或阐发，写博客去。

　　You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses³ of his or her mind to the listener. Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."

　　你需要在进入每一次交流时 都假定自己可以学习到一些东西。著名的治疗师 M. 斯科特·派克说过，真正的倾听需要把自己放在一边。有时候，这意味着把你的个人观点放在一边。他说感受到这种接纳，说话的人会变得越来越不脆弱敏感，因而越来越有可能打开自己的内心世界，呈现给倾听者。再强调一遍，假定你需要学习新东西。比尔·奈伊说：“每一个你将要见到的人都有你不知道的东西。”

　　Number three: Use open-ended questions. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?

　　第三点：使用开放式问题。以“谁”、“什么”、“何时”、“何地”、“为什么”或“如何”开始提问。如果你询问一个复杂的问题 将会得到一个简单的回答。如果我问你：“你当时恐惧吗？”你会回应那句话中最有力的词，即“恐惧”，而答案将是“是的”或者“不是”。“你当时气愤吗？”“是的，我当时气得很。”让对方去描述，对方才是了解情境的人。试着这样问对方：“那是什么样子？”“你感觉怎么样？”

　　Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Number six: Don't equate⁴ your experience with theirs. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.

　　第四点：顺其自然。也就是说，想法会自然流入你的头脑，而你需要将它们表达出来。第五点：如果你不知道，就说你不知道。第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人比较。任何经历都是独一无二的。而且，更重要的是，这不是在谈论你的事。第七条：尤其是在工作交谈中，或者和孩子的交谈中。我们想声明一个观点，于是换着方式不停地说，不要这样做。

　　Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. So forget the details. Leave them out. Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen: I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief. (A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. —My Sister)

　　第八条：少说废话。所以忘掉细节吧，没人在乎它们。第九条：这不是最后一条，但是最重要的一条。认真倾听。我说不上来到底有多少重要人士都说过倾听可能是最重要的，第一重要的 你可以提升的技能。最后一条，第十条：简明扼要。“好的交谈就像恰到好处的迷你裙；足够短，能够吸引人，又足够长，能够包纳（盖住）主体 ——我妹妹的比喻”

　　All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.

　　所有这些都浓缩成同一个概念，那就是：对他人产生兴趣。我尽量少说话，但开放自己的思想，永远准备着大吃一惊，而我从不会感到失望。

1 passionately   

ad.热烈地，激烈地

参考例句：

• She could hate as passionately as she could love. 她能恨得咬牙切齿，也能爱得一往情深。
• He was passionately addicted to pop music. 他酷爱流行音乐。

2 perfectly   

adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
• Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。

3 recesses   

n.壁凹( recess的名词复数 )；（工作或业务活动的）中止或暂停期间；学校的课间休息；某物内部的凹形空间v.把某物放在墙壁的凹处( recess的第三人称单数 )；将（墙）做成凹形，在（墙）上做壁龛；休息，休会，休庭

参考例句：

• I could see the inmost recesses. 我能看见最深处。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• I had continually pushed my doubts to the darker recesses of my mind. 我一直把怀疑深深地隐藏在心中。 来自《简明英汉词典》

4 equate   

v.同等看待，使相等

参考例句：

• You can't equate passing examination and being intelligent.你不能把考试及格看成是聪明。
• You cannot equate his poems with his plays.你不可以把他的诗歌和他的剧本相提并论。