How to Handle Tough Conversations

 How to Handle Tough Conversations

I just finished a terrific book called Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. Authors Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Kerry Patterson, and Al Switzler define a “crucial conversation” as one where opinions vary, something is at risk, and emotions are running high.

The results of truly crucial conversations have a large impact on your quality of life. However, despite their importance, we often back away from crucial conversations because we feel awkward or fear that we’ll make the situation worse. And when we do attempt to have them, we’re prone¹ to making stupid or offensive comments that lead to disaster. Some work-related topics that involve crucial conversations include:

Talking to a co-worker who is behaving badly

Giving the boss feedback about his management style

Critiquing a direct report’s work

Confronting a team member who is shirking her responsibilities

Giving an unfavorable performance review

Twenty-five years of research involving 17 organizations and more than 100,000 people led the authors to conclude that the most critical skill of competent leaders is the ability to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky² issues.

My own crucial conversation

I have a confession³ to make. This book has been sitting on my shelf for a few years now, but I consulted it today because I need to have a crucial conversation myself. There is a woman I work with who never meets deadlines. I’ve talked to her multiple times about this issue, but the situation hasn’t improved. At this point, she’s acknowledged that I’m nagging⁴ her, which probably makes her even less likely to comply. I wish I could just let it go, but every missed deadline is costing me time and money.

According to Crucial Conversations, I’ve been addressing a symptom rather than the problem itself. The real problem here is that my co-worker doesn’t feel that it’s important to fulfill⁵ her commitments, and a symptom of this is missing deadlines.

The book suggests that I look for patterns in her behavior (i.e. other instances where she doesn’t do what she said she was going to do) and have a calm and honest conversation about those. And if I do seem a little frustrated⁶, my emotions won’t seem out of proportion because I’m not addressing a single incident but a global problem that signals a lack of trust and respect.

My plan of attack

So what might my approach to the conversation look like?

“Jessica (not her real name), I’ve noticed that lately you’ve been missing deadlines, leaving the office before we’ve finalized⁷ client deliverables, and forgetting to make your prospecting⁸ calls. When you don’t do what you say you’re going to do, it makes me feel like you lack commitment to this job and that I can’t trust you. I would like to understand where you’re coming from so we can decide if this position is a good fit for you.”

I recognize that this conversation has the potential to grow defensive⁹ and heated and I will do my best to remain calm, listening carefully to Jessica’s point of view. Throughout, I must remind myself of what I really want, which is for Jessica to change her behavior to demonstrate a true commitment to our work. If she can do that following this interaction, then I need to let bygones be bygones.”

What crucial conversations have you had recently? What did you do right, and what did you do wrong? What do you feel you need to work on to be even more effective?

1 prone   

adj.(to)易于…的，很可能…的；俯卧的

参考例句：

• Some people are prone to jump to hasty conclusions.有些人往往作出轻率的结论。
• He is prone to lose his temper when people disagree with him.人家一不同意他的意见,他就发脾气。

2 risky   

adj.有风险的，冒险的

参考例句：

• It may be risky but we will chance it anyhow.这可能有危险，但我们无论如何要冒一冒险。
• He is well aware how risky this investment is.他心里对这项投资的风险十分清楚。

3 confession   

n.自白，供认，承认

参考例句：

• Her confession was simply tantamount to a casual explanation.她的自白简直等于一篇即席说明。
• The police used torture to extort a confession from him.警察对他用刑逼供。

4 nagging   

adj.唠叨的，挑剔的；使人不得安宁的v.不断地挑剔或批评（某人）( nag的现在分词 )；不断地烦扰或伤害（某人）；无休止地抱怨；不断指责

参考例句：

• Stop nagging—I'll do it as soon as I can. 别唠叨了—我会尽快做的。
• I've got a nagging pain in my lower back. 我后背下方老是疼。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 fulfill   

vt.履行，实现，完成；满足，使满意

参考例句：

• If you make a promise you should fulfill it.如果你许诺了，你就要履行你的诺言。
• This company should be able to fulfill our requirements.这家公司应该能够满足我们的要求。

6 frustrated   

adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧

参考例句：

• It's very easy to get frustrated in this job. 这个工作很容易令人懊恼。
• The bad weather frustrated all our hopes of going out. 恶劣的天气破坏了我们出行的愿望。 来自《简明英汉词典》

7 finalized   

vt.完成（finalize的过去式与过去分词形式）

参考例句：

• The draft of this article has been finalized [done]. 这篇文章已经定稿。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• The draft was revised several times before it was finalized. 稿子几经删改才定下来。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

8 prospecting   

n.探矿

参考例句：

• The prospecting team ploughed their way through the snow. 探险队排雪前进。
• The prospecting team has traversed the length and breadth of the land. 勘探队踏遍了祖国的山山水水。

9 defensive   

adj.防御的；防卫的；防守的

参考例句：

• Their questions about the money put her on the defensive.他们问到钱的问题，使她警觉起来。
• The Government hastily organized defensive measures against the raids.政府急忙布置了防卫措施抵御空袭。