Don’t Invest. Give

 I was having a chat with my fiancé one night recently, and burst into tears. I was bitter, sad, and angry. Why doesn’t anyone help me in return, I asked. Why is it when I am good to people and it feels like the kindness and generosity¹ isn’t reciprocated²? My fiance, with one eyebrow³ lifted, looked at me tenderly and said, “Perhaps because you aren’t really giving?”

I’ve always thought of myself as a kind person. When I moved from city to city with my expatriate job, I hosted many friends from Hong Kong, where I grew up, to visit. After all, who doesn’t want a free place to stay in when in Paris, Tokyo, London… ? So I would be more than happy to put them up while they traveled.

However, when these people come and board in my guest room, do I realize that they have other friends in the same city. And so, in the five days they stay with me, I see them perhaps only one night for dinner – and they don’t even attempt pay for dinner to thank me for letting them stay at my home.

The other four nights they were out with their other friends. Why did they not invite me to join them? Why did they not offer to introduce us sooner when I first arrived in the new city, a stranger to the land, so that I could make some new friends? I tried asking them, they just shrug⁴ and smile.

I did not understand why it wasn’t reflex for them, for every time I hear that someone is going somewhere I offer to connect them with people I know in that city in case they need some support. I got upset that no one seems to care about my plight⁵.

Then I got angry. I am generous with my contacts. Even over a coffee chat and I learn about your latest venture, immediately I will skim through my address book in my head, and offer to introduce you to people whom I think could help you with your endeavors.

Yet hardly has that happened to me in reverse. Sometimes I even have to ask others whether they could introduce someone to me.

So I am bitter that the favors aren’t returned. That despite all my giving, helping⁶, supporting every friend and acquaintance I can, it seems that no one gives back to me in return.

Almost timely. After that little episode with my fiance, I was simply bouncing from website to website, and searching for ebooks on the Internet to read. I came across Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth.” Rummaging⁷ through the free pages, I came to this line: “Whatever you think the world is withholding⁹ from you,” writes Tolle, “you are withholding from the world.”

Suddenly, the ripples¹⁰ cleared up and I saw a pristine¹¹ reflection of the reality.

Every time I had given before, was actually not genuine giving. At the back of my mind, I was keeping an invisible tally¹² of favors and acts of kindness I had bestowed¹³ on others, making a mental note that some day, I’d cash it back.

I didn’t give, I invested.

As with investments, I expected something in return. And with every investment there’s a risk of gain or loss. Therefore, when I didn’t receive something back, let alone something in addition, I counted it as loss. That was why I became resentful and sour.

My intentions were therefore, not pure. I was subconsciously¹⁴ calculating, expecting, scheming. I put myself on a high horse, as if I was doing them a good deed, and that made me a better person.

As Tolle wrote so powerfully, I lamented¹⁶ others for withholding from me. Yet, it was I in the first place who reserved from others, not giving fully¹⁵ and wholeheartedly with the best of intentions.

In the end, who became the most upset? I did.

I’m slowly changing that mindset. There is no miraculous¹⁷ way or 10 steps to follow.

Simply, just decide to give without expecting anything in return.

I now invite people to dinner because I enjoy their company and want to get to know them better, not because down the line I want to be invited back. When I find out that my friends decide to spend only 5 hours with me on my wedding weekend, but flit around town to see several other groups of friends – whom they’ve never introduced – those few days, I am grateful they will fly all the way for my wedding. Let it be. I’ve done what I can.

But this is just one part of it. Tolle finished the paragraph with, “You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give.”

Indeed, it was also my insecurity with myself that I wasn’t able to let it all go, and just share my knowledge and resources. I had to make it sound like I was trying really hard to find a contact, or that they might not appreciate it. Consequently, I discounted what I had and rocked my own self-confidence.

It’s a paradox¹⁸, but very real one. The more we are unsure of ourselves, the more we try to hold on to what we have, thinking we can’t lose it or let others benefit from our knowledge. So we withhold⁸ always a little for ourselves, and yet blame others and the universe for not giving to us without reservations.

Believe in who you are and what you have. Help others and give your all.

You will feel happier. Trust me on this one.

Give, don’t invest.

1 generosity   

n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为

参考例句：

• We should match their generosity with our own.我们应该像他们一样慷慨大方。
• We adore them for their generosity.我们钦佩他们的慷慨。

2 reciprocated   

v.报答，酬答( reciprocate的过去式和过去分词 )；（机器的部件）直线往复运动

参考例句：

• Her passion for him was not reciprocated. 她对他的热情没有得到回应。
• Their attraction to each other as friends is reciprocated. 作为朋友，他们相互吸引着对方。 来自辞典例句

3 eyebrow   

n.眉毛，眉

参考例句：

• Her eyebrow is well penciled.她的眉毛画得很好。
• With an eyebrow raised,he seemed divided between surprise and amusement.他一只眉毛扬了扬，似乎既感到吃惊，又觉有趣。

4 shrug   

v.耸肩(表示怀疑、冷漠、不知等)

参考例句：

• With a shrug,he went out of the room.他耸一下肩，走出了房间。
• I admire the way she is able to shrug off unfair criticism.我很佩服她能对错误的批评意见不予理会。

5 plight   

n.困境，境况，誓约，艰难；vt.宣誓，保证，约定

参考例句：

• The leader was much concerned over the plight of the refugees.那位领袖对难民的困境很担忧。
• She was in a most helpless plight.她真不知如何是好。

6 helping   

n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的

参考例句：

• The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
• By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。

7 rummaging   

翻找，搜寻( rummage的现在分词 )； 海关检查

参考例句：

• She was rummaging around in her bag for her keys. 她在自己的包里翻来翻去找钥匙。
• Who's been rummaging through my papers? 谁乱翻我的文件来着？

8 withhold   

v.拒绝，不给；使停止，阻挡

参考例句：

• It was unscrupulous of their lawyer to withhold evidence.他们的律师隐瞒证据是不道德的。
• I couldn't withhold giving some loose to my indignation.我忍不住要发泄一点我的愤怒。

9 withholding   

扣缴税款

参考例句：

• She was accused of withholding information from the police. 她被指控对警方知情不报。
• The judge suspected the witness was withholding information. 法官怀疑见证人在隐瞒情况。

10 ripples   

逐渐扩散的感觉( ripple的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• The moon danced on the ripples. 月亮在涟漪上舞动。
• The sea leaves ripples on the sand. 海水在沙滩上留下了波痕。

11 pristine   

adj.原来的，古时的，原始的，纯净的，无垢的

参考例句：

• He wiped his fingers on his pristine handkerchief.他用他那块洁净的手帕擦手指。
• He wasn't about to blemish that pristine record.他本不想去玷污那清白的过去。

12 tally   

n.计数器，记分，一致，测量；vt.计算，记录，使一致；vi.计算，记分，一致

参考例句：

• Don't forget to keep a careful tally of what you spend.别忘了仔细记下你的开支账目。
• The facts mentioned in the report tally to every detail.报告中所提到的事实都丝毫不差。

13 bestowed   

赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• It was a title bestowed upon him by the king. 那是国王赐给他的头衔。
• He considered himself unworthy of the honour they had bestowed on him. 他认为自己不配得到大家赋予他的荣誉。

14 subconsciously   

ad.下意识地，潜意识地

参考例句：

• In choosing a partner we are subconsciously assessing their evolutionary fitness to be a mother of children or father provider and protector. 在选择伴侣的时候，我们会在潜意识里衡量对方将来是否会是称职的母亲或者父亲，是否会是合格的一家之主。
• Lao Yang thought as he subconsciously tightened his grasp on the rifle. 他下意识地攥紧枪把想。 来自汉英文学 - 散文英译

15 fully   

adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地

参考例句：

• The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气，然后全部呼出。
• They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。

16 lamented   

adj.被哀悼的，令人遗憾的v.（为…）哀悼，痛哭，悲伤( lament的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• her late lamented husband 她那令人怀念的已故的丈夫
• We lamented over our bad luck. 我们为自己的不幸而悲伤。 来自《简明英汉词典》

17 miraculous   

adj.像奇迹一样的，不可思议的

参考例句：

• The wounded man made a miraculous recovery.伤员奇迹般地痊愈了。
• They won a miraculous victory over much stronger enemy.他们战胜了远比自己强大的敌人，赢得了非凡的胜利。

18 paradox   

n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法；自相矛盾的人(物)

参考例句：

• The story contains many levels of paradox.这个故事存在多重悖论。
• The paradox is that Japan does need serious education reform.矛盾的地方是日本确实需要教育改革。