TED演讲:性暴力的救赎之路(5)

What followed is a nine-year period that can best be titled as "Denial and Running."

接下来的九年，可以被称作：“否认和逃避”。

When I got a chance to identify the real torment¹ that I caused, I didn't stand still long enough to do so.

当我有机会去认识到，由我引起的真实的痛苦时，我并没能足够冷静地去面对。

Whether it be via distraction², substance use,

无论是通过分散注意力，滥用药物，

thrill-seeking or the scrupulous³ policing of my inner speak, I refused to be static and silent.

寻求刺激，或者是，小心谨慎地关注我内心的想法，我拒绝，保持冷静和沉默。

And with this noise, I also drew heavily upon other parts of my life to construct a picture of who I was.

除了这个“噪音”之外，我还不断地拼凑我生活中的其他部分，来解答“我是谁”这个问题。

I was a surfer, a social science student, a friend to good people, a loved brother and son,

我是一个冲浪运动员，一个学习社会科学的学生，一些好人的朋友，一个被爱着的兄弟和儿子，

an outdoor recreation guide, and eventually, a youth worker.

一本“户外娱乐指南”，最终，也是一个青年工作者。

I gripped tight to the simple notion that I wasn't a bad person.

我坚持认为，我并不是一个坏人。

I didn't think I had this in my bones. I thought I was made up of something else.

我并不认为，我天生就是这样的人。我想，我本应该是另一个样子。

In my nurtured⁴ upbringing, my loving extended family and role models,

在对我的培养和教育中，我充满爱的家人和榜样，

people close to me were warm and genuine in their respect shown towards women.

我身边的人们，都尊重女性，对待女性都温暖而真诚。

It took me a long time to stare down this dark corner of myself, and to ask it questions.

我花了很长时间，才能面对我自身的这个黑暗角落，并开始发问。

1 torment   

n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠

参考例句：

• He has never suffered the torment of rejection.他从未经受过遭人拒绝的痛苦。
• Now nothing aggravates me more than when people torment each other.没有什么东西比人们的互相折磨更使我愤怒。

2 distraction   

n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐

参考例句：

• Total concentration is required with no distractions.要全神贯注，不能有丝毫分神。
• Their national distraction is going to the disco.他们的全民消遣就是去蹦迪。

3 scrupulous   

adj.审慎的，小心翼翼的，完全的，纯粹的

参考例句：

• She is scrupulous to a degree.她非常谨慎。
• Poets are not so scrupulous as you are.诗人并不像你那样顾虑多。

4 nurtured   

养育( nurture的过去式和过去分词 )； 培育； 滋长； 助长

参考例句：

• She is looking fondly at the plants he had nurtured. 她深情地看着他培育的植物。
• Any latter-day Einstein would still be spotted and nurtured. 任何一个未来的爱因斯坦都会被发现并受到培养。