英语如此搞笑，翻译如此残暴

 　　I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

　　开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。

　　I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling¹ like the passengers in his car.

　　我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去，而不要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊!

　　Do not argue with an idiot². He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

　　你永远不能战胜一个纯SB，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平，然后用丰富的经验打败你。

　　The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

　　吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

　　Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble³ down the stairs.

　　有些人就像 Slinkies(弹簧玩具)，没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来倒腾去还是很有喜感。

　　We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

　　我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

　　I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

　　曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

　　Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

　　晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

　　Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

　　直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果;智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。

　　意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。

　　意译b：所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你最终还是男女有别。

　　If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

　　上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧!

　　Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

　　无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。

　　I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian⁴.

　　老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

　　Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity⁵, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

　　海豚可聪明了你知道不?只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。

1 yelling   

v.叫喊，号叫，叫着说( yell的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• The coach stood on the sidelines yelling instructions to the players. 教练站在场外，大声指挥运动员。
• He let off steam by yelling at a clerk. 他对一个职员大喊大叫，借以发泄怒气。 来自《简明英汉词典》

2 idiot   

n.白痴，傻子，笨蛋

参考例句：

• Only an idiot would make such a thoughtless remark.只有草包才会说出这样没有头脑的话来。
• You are behaving like a perfect idiot.你表现得像个十足的白痴。

3 tumble   

vi.跌倒，摔下，翻滚，暴跌；n.跌(摔)倒

参考例句：

• Children tumble over each other in play.孩子们玩耍时相互连身翻滚。
• He took a tumble down the stairs.他摔下了楼梯。

4 vegetarian   

n.素食者；adj.素食的

参考例句：

• She got used gradually to the vegetarian diet.她逐渐习惯吃素食。
• I didn't realize you were a vegetarian.我不知道你是个素食者。

5 captivity   

n.囚禁；被俘；束缚

参考例句：

• A zoo is a place where live animals are kept in captivity for the public to see.动物园是圈养动物以供公众观看的场所。
• He was held in captivity for three years.他被囚禁叁年。