读者文摘:最搞笑的职场段子之愚蠢员工篇

Haven't you heard there are no dumb questions in business?

难道你没听说在商业中没有愚蠢的问题吗？

From these HR queries¹, that truism is clearly not true.

从这些人力资源方面的问题来看，这个老生常谈显然是不正确的。

I falsified my resume. Now that I'm working here, can I change it?

我伪造了我的简历。现在既然我在这里工作了，我可以把它换掉吗？

Can my supervisor² require me to have specific working hours?

我的主管能要求我有具体的工作时间吗？

Can I have my salary deferred³ until next year so I don't have to pay taxes this year? I don't need the money this year.

我的工资能延迟到明年再发吗？这样今年我就不用交税了。今年我不需要这笔钱。

Will you give me a raise if I stop smoking marijuana? Can I wear a swimsuit and towel on casual day?

如果我不吸食大麻了，你能给我涨工资吗？我可以在便装日穿泳衣和毛巾吗？

Since my mother and father both died before I came to work at this company, will I be credited for bereavement⁴ leave I didn't have to take?

既然在我来公司之前，我的父母亲都去世了，那么我会因不必休丧假而受到赞扬吗？

Everyday my supervisor tells me to stop chatting and get back to work. Can he do that?

我的上司每天都叫我停止聊天，回去工作。他能做到吗？

Some excuses for missing work are so dumb they are almost inspired. (Feel free to borrow from these in the future.)

误工的一些借口是如此愚蠢，他们几乎得到了启发。(以后你可以随意运用这些借口。)

The employee said that he couldn't come to work because his fortune-teller had asked him not to step out of the house or he would suffer a brain hemorrhage.

这名员工说，他不能来上班，因为算命先生让他不要走出家门，否则他会脑出血。

An employee refused to come to work because his fish was unwell.

一名员工拒绝上班，因为他的鱼不舒服。

The employee said he'd gotten drunk the night before and was now suffering from a hangover.

一名员工表示，他前一天晚上喝醉了，现在因宿醉而难受。

The employee insisted he'd locked himself in his house by mistake and that the house did not have any windows to crawl out of.

一名员工坚决认为他把自己锁在房子里了。而且房子没有窗户可以爬出来。

An employee said his mother made his favorite dish and he ate too much.

一名员工说，他母亲做了他最喜欢的菜，他吃了太多。

Doctors and nurses in hospitals work long, strenuous⁵ hours.

医院里的医生和护士工作时间长，工作强度大。

Sometimes it shows up in the odd things they accidentally write in the patient charts.

有时它会出现在他们不小心写在病人病历上的奇怪的东西里。

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed⁶.

这位病人眼泪汪汪，不停地哭。她似乎患有抑郁症。

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

第二天，膝盖好些了，第三天它就完全不见了。

Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

出血开始于直肠区域，并一直持续到洛杉矶。

She is numb⁷ from her toes down. The skin was moist and dry.

她脚趾以下麻木。皮肤又湿又干。

Social history reveals this 1-year-old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed⁸.

社会历史显示，这位一岁的病人既不抽烟也不喝酒，现在没有工作。

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

病人有两个十几岁的孩子，但是没有其他异常。

Of course, sometimes HR itself is the issue, thanks to some questionable⁹ work place directives.

当然，有时候由于一些有问题的工作场所指示，人力资源本身就是问题。

I'm a teacher, so I have a million stupid rules I have to follow.

我是一名老师，所以我有一百万个要遵守的规则。

But the worst one is that my performance evaluation¹⁰ is based on student improvement on a statewide literacy test. I teach wood shop.

但最糟糕的是，我的成绩评估是基于学生在全州读写能力测试中的进步。我教木工。

At my old job, HR held a meeting to tell us that there was too much swearing on the sales floor.

在我以前的工作，人力资源经理开会告诉我们销售人员满口脏话。

Someone pointed¹¹ out that swearing is very common in our industry and that is the way that our customers speak.

有人指出，在我们的行业中，说脏话是很常见的，这是我们的客户说话的方式。

HR later sent out a memo¹² explaining that swearing should be limited to conversations with clients.

人力资源经理后来发了一个备忘录解释道，脏话应该仅限于和客户的对话中。

My workplace doesn't let you use the word problems. Instead, we have to say challenges if something is wrong.

我工作的地方不让你使用问题这个词。相反，如果出了什么问题，我们不得不说挑战。

1 queries   

n.问题( query的名词复数 )；疑问；询问；问号v.质疑，对…表示疑问( query的第三人称单数 )；询问

参考例句：

• Our assistants will be happy to answer your queries. 我们的助理很乐意回答诸位的问题。
• Her queries were rhetorical,and best ignored. 她的质问只不过是说说而已，最好不予理睬。 来自《简明英汉词典》

2 supervisor   

n.监督人，管理人，检查员，督学，主管，导师

参考例句：

• Between you and me I think that new supervisor is a twit.我们私下说，我认为新来的主管人是一个傻瓜。
• He said I was too flighty to be a good supervisor.他说我太轻浮不能成为一名好的管理员。

3 deferred   

adj.延期的，缓召的v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从

参考例句：

• The department deferred the decision for six months. 这个部门推迟了六个月才作决定。
• a tax-deferred savings plan 延税储蓄计划

4 bereavement   

n.亲人丧亡，丧失亲人，丧亲之痛

参考例句：

• the pain of an emotional crisis such as divorce or bereavement 诸如离婚或痛失亲人等情感危机的痛苦
• I sympathize with you in your bereavement. 我对你痛失亲人表示同情。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 strenuous   

adj.奋发的，使劲的；紧张的；热烈的，狂热的

参考例句：

• He made strenuous efforts to improve his reading. 他奋发努力提高阅读能力。
• You may run yourself down in this strenuous week.你可能会在这紧张的一周透支掉自己。

6 depressed   

adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的

参考例句：

• When he was depressed,he felt utterly divorced from reality.他心情沮丧时就感到完全脱离了现实。
• His mother was depressed by the sad news.这个坏消息使他的母亲意志消沉。

7 numb   

adj.麻木的，失去感觉的；v.使麻木

参考例句：

• His fingers were numb with cold.他的手冻得发麻。
• Numb with cold,we urged the weary horses forward.我们冻得发僵，催着疲惫的马继续往前走。

8 unemployed   

adj.失业的，没有工作的；未动用的，闲置的

参考例句：

• There are now over four million unemployed workers in this country.这个国家现有四百万失业人员。
• The unemployed hunger for jobs.失业者渴望得到工作。

9 questionable   

adj.可疑的，有问题的

参考例句：

• There are still a few questionable points in the case.这个案件还有几个疑点。
• Your argument is based on a set of questionable assumptions.你的论证建立在一套有问题的假设上。

10 evaluation   

n.估价，评价；赋值

参考例句：

• I attempted an honest evaluation of my own life.我试图如实地评价我自己的一生。
• The new scheme is still under evaluation.新方案还在评估阶段。

11 pointed   

adj.尖的，直截了当的

参考例句：

• He gave me a very sharp pointed pencil.他给我一支削得非常尖的铅笔。
• She wished to show Mrs.John Dashwood by this pointed invitation to her brother.她想通过对达茨伍德夫人提出直截了当的邀请向她的哥哥表示出来。

12 memo   

n.照会，备忘录；便笺；通知书；规章

参考例句：

• Do you want me to send the memo out?您要我把这份备忘录分发出去吗？
• Can you type a memo for me?您能帮我打一份备忘录吗？