读者文摘:帮助一个悲伤的朋友(2)

Our culture sees grief as a malady¹: a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible.

我们的文化将悲伤视作一种疾病：它是一种需要被清理的可怕的、不堪的情感，一种需要尽快摆脱的情感。

As a result, we have outdated² beliefs about how long grief should last and what it should look like.

结果就是，对于悲伤应该持续多久，它应该是什么样子，我们的理念已经过时了。

We see grief as something to overcome, something to fix, rather than something to tend or support.

我们将悲伤视作一件需要去克服需要去解决的东西，而不是需要被照料或者支持的东西。

Even our clinicians are trained to see grief as a disorder³ rather than a natural response to deep loss.

甚至我们的临床医生所受的训练是，将悲伤视作一种紊乱，而不是遭受重大失去后的自然反应。

When the professionals don't know how to handle grief, the rest of us can hardly be expected to respond with skill and grace.

如果专业人员都不知道如何去应对悲伤，那我们也很难有技巧地体面地应对悲伤。

There is another way. If we want to care for one another better, we have to rehumanize grief.

还有一种别的方式。如果我们想更好地彼此照料的话，我们得使悲伤更加人性化。

We have to talk about it. We have to understand it as a natural, normal process rather than something to be shunned⁴, rushed, or maligned⁵.

我们得谈论它。我们得把悲伤视作一个自然的正常的过程，而不是要避免的、紧急的、有害的过程。

We have to start talking about the skills needed to face the reality of living a life changed entirely⁶ by loss.

我们要谈论一些技巧，用以应对完全被失去改变的生活的现实。

I've been the person howling on the floor, unable to eat or sleep or leave the house for more than a few minutes at a time.

我是那个在地板上嚎啕大哭的人，无法进食或者入睡，每次离开家不能超过几分钟。

I've been on the other side of the clinician's couch, on the receiving end of outdated and wholly irrelevant⁷ talk of stages and the power of positive thinking.

我坐在临床医生的另一边，接受着过时的、与处境完全不相干的阶段论和积极思考的力量。

I learned firsthand why trying to talk someone out of their grief is both hurtful and entirely different from helping⁸ them live with their grief.

我亲身经历了为什么试着让人摆脱悲伤既会伤害人，又与帮助人带着悲伤生活完全不同。

Many people truly want to help a friend or family member who is experiencing a severe loss.

很多人真心想帮助正在经历重大失去的朋友或家人。

Words often fail us at times like these, leaving us stammering⁹ for the right thing to say.

在这种时候，我们经常说不出话来，它让我们变得结巴，说不出合适的话。

Some people are so afraid to say or do the wrong thing that they choose to do nothing at all.

有些人太担心说错或做错事，他们就什么事也不做。

That's certainly an option, but it's not often a good one.

那肯定是一个选择，但是通常不是一个很好的选择。

There's no one perfect way to respond or to support someone you care about, but there are some good ground rules.

回应或者支持你在乎的人，你无法做到完美，但是有一些很好的基本原则。

First, remember that you play a supporting role, not a central role, in your friend's grief.

首先，记得在你朋友的悲伤中，你扮演的是一个支持的角色，而不是一个中心角色。

You may believe you would do things differently if this loss had happened to you.

你或许认为，如果遭遇失去的人是你的话，你不会是这个样子。

I hope you don't get the chance to find out. This grief belongs to your friend. Follow their lead.

我希望你没有机会去验证。这份悲伤属于你的朋友。以他们为主角。

1 malady   

n.病，疾病(通常做比喻)

参考例句：

• There is no specific remedy for the malady.没有医治这种病的特效药。
• They are managing to control the malady into a small range.他们设法将疾病控制在小范围之内。

2 outdated   

adj.旧式的，落伍的，过时的；v.使过时

参考例句：

• That list of addresses is outdated,many have changed.那个通讯录已经没用了，许多地址已经改了。
• Many of us conform to the outdated customs laid down by our forebears.我们许多人都遵循祖先立下的过时习俗。

3 disorder   

n.紊乱，混乱；骚动，骚乱；疾病，失调

参考例句：

• When returning back,he discovered the room to be in disorder.回家后，他发现屋子里乱七八糟。
• It contained a vast number of letters in great disorder.里面七零八落地装着许多信件。

4 shunned   

v.避开，回避，避免( shun的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• She was shunned by her family when she remarried. 她再婚后家里人都躲着她。
• He was a shy man who shunned all publicity. 他是个怕羞的人，总是避开一切引人注目的活动。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 maligned   

vt.污蔑，诽谤（malign的过去式与过去分词形式）

参考例句：

• She feels she has been much maligned by the press. 她觉得她遭到了新闻界的恣意诽谤。
• We maligned him dreadfully when you come to think of it. 回头想想，我们狠狠地中伤了他。 来自辞典例句

6 entirely   

ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
• His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。

7 irrelevant   

adj.不恰当的，无关系的，不相干的

参考例句：

• That is completely irrelevant to the subject under discussion.这跟讨论的主题完全不相关。
• A question about arithmetic is irrelevant in a music lesson.在音乐课上，一个数学的问题是风马牛不相及的。

8 helping   

n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的

参考例句：

• The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
• By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。

9 stammering   

v.结巴地说出( stammer的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• He betrayed nervousness by stammering. 他说话结结巴巴说明他胆子小。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• \"Why,\" he said, actually stammering, \"how do you do?\" “哎呀，\"他说，真的有些结结巴巴，\"你好啊？” 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹